Tales Of The Tv

I guess since they are both dead, and one as a sign to shut the fuck up, when Williams tried to call his new tour CENSORED.  We had both been through harrowing shit, in this war, and he was on a side asking me questions, did I want people to take orders from me on how to live... and I said the last thing I want to do is order people around.   Etc..   They interacted directly with me, a thing that seemed rare to me though was of course not at all...  Robin Williams and Johnathon Winters.   Amazing how they took old shows and used them.  I have no clue how they did it.  I began to think they made the films long ago, and they were part of the plan.  They had about sixty years of shit into this plan, a lot of money brought us about, and I had no clue it was a coup.   I messed it up.  Thank God.   Put me with shitty people and I end up being shitty back, no matter how afraid everyone is of them.  Fuck that.  Lived through too much to think I am at all easy to kill.  God wants me alive.  That is rather difficult to overcome, as many have learned.

I think back on that night and the dinosaurs and the imagery, when you needed a leader,  I was fresh off being brainwashed into believing I was Jesus.  Not a state of mind to be anything except used.   I believed I was the bit of some God after my vision of God, not God at all... but Jesus.  For what it is worth, and perhaps there is some.   As I watched ANGEL

Wondering about the ploy of dead men, who talked of monsters and volcano's, trying to ask me what they should do, and I had no clue how to answer. I am no dictator, especially not over other people's personalities, thoughts, etc... man, believe what you want, we will not always agree, and I will not always be right, and like to know. Nothing personal, who is closer to the truth. Williams and Winters... remember? I could not see an image of Dinosaur without having to poker face thru, same with trains. Too many things. None as important as talents taken and abused, used; the artistic freedom within certain limits, promoting certain values, going along with what will gain the largest audience, from both parties, all demographics.... gone. I feel an ocean of pain out there, represented by stewart saying they kept him in a brick room between shows, and he was changing the shows all day and was live... weird times. I thought he was joking, though he is out now. I do not know ..

battle weary

 BATTLE WEARY

Wounds never heal.

Slow bleed out.

I move thru blood soaked battlefields

sword at the ready

raised and fallen too many times to count.

Given up for dead and risen to destroy again

Too many times for the horror to fit in my memory.

Standing alone

the last alive

in a circle of dead friend and foe.

Believing only in paradise

makes me fight fearless, reckless, ready to die.

Living only because God seems to make it so.

In a world turned dark with lies and treachery

strive to fulfill the vague mission of a God

asking only the Golden Rule,

feeling unworthy of even the air I breath;

trying not to believe the perceptions of my enemies,

my mistakes already a cats of nine tails ripping my flesh

every waking moment.

The lies of war

bitter on my lips.

The taste of my blood longed for then repulsing..

longed for and repulsive, long for and repulsive....

The gentle one I was long dead.

The death screams of his beliefs

echo in my every word... unheeded.*

*Sadly in this world, I must add DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. These actions were taken by professionals, including the Armed Forces, and are NOT MEANT TO INSPIRE VIOLENCE, quite the opposite.... I do not want violence glorified, it deserves none.

I do often wonder

 Spend my days wondering about things, not a childish wonder;  a more adult wondering where every answer brings more problems.  A problem that solved creates others, or always has more awaiting than one can ever get to.   I see things thrown at me that show the simplistic creatures involved in this debate with me, however vague the perimeters, and at least from me, loose of any party, just issue oriented.  

The time you asked me if the players treated me bad as the manager, and this was why I hated sports, which I did not... it was among three distractions from revolution that came to me as I wrote a poem.  Bread and circus is the oldest trick in the book, and this was my reference.   I have nothing against sports, enjoyed my friends on the team.  I was treated as an equal, the same as the players...  sure as hell never had the jock versus the stoner thing, though a few jocks tried it on me, once at a new school, though it did not work very well when the long haired guy got right in their face and scared them too much to even want to look my way again...  I feel like I am dealing with either very unintelligent people, or this is the comic book version of life you want to believe...

The questions about these matters always surprised me because I felt clear in my writing about what was going on, and resented when the tv intruded, for the most part, or mentioned me, even when I had to watch the shows that did, I would have preferred not.  I think that is part of why this crushing feeling of humiliation and how the masterbation had went out and then I am asked why I put my dresser in the only fucking spot in the place it fit...  by then I was so beyond caring what people on the tv thought of me... I had to learn all I could so I stood it, took it in... etc...   I made excuses for it in my mind, that it did not feel like hell all the time.   I used to love being alone for the weekend, would shut off the phone, just do art.... or get drunk...  still, loved the feeling of no other eyes creating me than my own.   I still have a bit of the in and out of the matrix on all of this, just to survive, a day to day normalcy once in awhile though usually 24/7 this is going through my mind, reaching for ways... praying for solutions.

I feel like I will do anything to avoid violence that I possibly can.   I believe this can be avoided entirely.  The time has come for all parties to come to some understandings, though they need to take the concerns of the many into consideration, or we will need a war to gather resources for the future our leaders ignore.  This is why I mentioned piracy.   Money can only go to this project, I hope.   I know other things get in the way, and I do not always know best, but donations are the best.   I should think people who wish their children to have something in thirty years, who cannot afford the ticket underground, should help.  I do not want people made broke, or extorted or any of these things....  the end does not always justify the means, because while the mountain top is the same, there are a lot of paths.  HAVEN.  Why not.  It gets across, taken from a tv show, but still... why not... though the name is hardly something I care about, just the idea of it brings life to the dream.

I am sorry I wrote about m c so meanly, whether he deserves it or not is up to actions I have only been hinted about, so I hope he is a good guy.  

the black boots just like mine, Canton Ohio, Leader unknown

 I see many things in super-gnat-rule, to coin a phrase based on the idea of free will, making all of us free of dark destiny, despite whatever limitations our particular society forces upon us to remain out of jail.... Libya was great, a Christian Monk said, then added, of course you cannot talk about politics...

Especially the Top Secret shit.

.THE SUPER GNATS RULE finale had Dean being stabbed in the back, and screwed;  he dies from being pushed into this large screw sticking out of a Barn Door.   Then the bad guys come in, they have my boots.  The other signs I will not list, because I know you prefer discretion.  I also understand the show was staying up with my life until the end, in so many ways....   I was Jack, in the beginning, and enough certainly knew.  That was when people liked me, before what I seemed to start because a horror show, and I terrified the world, primarily because I was kept ignorant of too much, and when I found out did not know how to react.   If you ask me should you do violence to people I have never met and are not hurting anyone, then no, I would never even consider such a thing.

I no way in hell thought I would ever end up in any kind of position of power, except in my dreams as I wrote of revolution, and used General X.  My poetry... when I saw echoes in the media I always kept waiting for my life to change.   That it never did added to my confusion about what was real, and what was not.  I was not used to looking everywhere for clues, or thinking a song or tv show was based on slandering me, because I would see things they were telling me that my followers were doing, which I took to be exaggerations of my words.  I found out finally when the DICK was revealed, and the dark elements I released in my first words to the world, FORGIVE EVERYONE...  I had no idea why this made everyone so happy....  did they think I came with a sword?   I did not pull out my sword until attacked, as others thought I might be.

I saw this last episode and remembered saying, OUR FRIENDS DRESS IN BLACK and seeing a lot of people do it... though I knew the idea that these vampires killed the father, cut out the mother's tongue, and took the kids...  seemed like a tactic used by Boko Harem, the type of use of children that I condemned in my book one war... though evidently to some this was taken as inspiration.   No, that book was about a Poet looking for truth, and finding a bit, and dying.   This happened to THE JOURNALIST WHO BROKE THE STORY  in real life, and I had it written when I saw him speak....  I based the poet on me, and my life, but the killing in reality makes the book prophetic.

I feel like this one show got it, this one group, or perhaps I am mistaken?   I second and third and fourth guess, because I am slow on the uptake at times, things pop up suddenly in epiphanies more than contemplation.  I want certain things to mean that my vision of God was much more me as an angel and God as JACK... this other being, not me at all.   I look at the writing from the period when Jesus was so strong in my mind I could say with conviction, I AM GOD.   You came back at me with Crowley saying I was nothing but a delusional angel.   You were right, there I was going from ego maniacal ranting, to...  

As you well know, the Angel concept in the religion built around me, got out of hand, and people who were sure as hell not acting like the warm and fluffy angels I always heard though hardly did I believe they existed, but murderers, slaughterers of the human race, seeking revenge for those who were an affront to their Gods.   I temptied heaven, by refusing to go along with any church....   I could not.   You were not based on my scripture, but on tales told by others, lies about me...   starting first and foremost that I wanted your free will.  

 I wanted a revolution, and I wanted a spiritual revival, and both took me into trance states as I wrote of them.... nothing before or since like that, really.   I wrote so much speculation, and often what is downright wrong, because I was misinformed, or not informed at all.   I remember john stewart once saying i was wasting my time on conspiracy theories, but I was seeking some mention of what was happening in the press;  the tv world, radio, both were too distant.   The strange figures I met on the beach, or elsewhere, I should have questioned them more?   I felt like....

I was Jesus returned and would bring Good things, at first.   I would bring forgiveness for all, and a message of a God who loves you more than you know, and does not send any souls to hell, though recycling through life after life a soul lives all ways, from saint to sinner.   A lesson I have no clue why we learn, or even if my speculation is correct?   I have experienced the God of love though, interceding into even small events in my life, let alone the large ones, where I sabotaged, or tried, the right army, when I finally discovered what was happening.  

I do not want those who got involved in that to think I do not think you should be forgiven for action taken while in a cult doing government work.  I could never hold any of this against you, and we must learn to forgive those who did not choose a race war, but had their FREE WILL stolen from them one way or another.   The death of friends, or the rationalizations for killing, or the hatred at the killers, drove the vicious circle within circle.   Each time you misjudged me, I worry people died.  I just watched Jack in an episode where heaven uses him to kill when he has no soul.   I guess I seemed soul less, after I was asked in by a group.  Are they the angels?  I for some reason revolted against the idea of being merely an angel from the very start.  It was weird, I was physically sick when this started.  Hard to remember, but I was pissed they kept calling me an angel in these commercials, saying the rich guys brought an ANGEL, a real life one, and had all this proof, backing of the Vatican, sort of....

You convinced me.   I did not know that I killed off my allies early on fearing a foreign invasion.  I did not mean anything against anyone specific.  I am not willing to accept any of the visions I saw for the USA that my allies seem to hold, so I just went for my own.... as vague as it is, I suppose.   I believe the individual should be encouraged, not punished.   Most.

I saw in the episode that Billie wanted to kill God and everyone I guess, and become God.   I am not sure what that meant?   I can certainly guess?  Was there someone waiting in the background, a black woman, which is used as Michael in one episode, and then Billy, that points to a reality?    I saw on the episode of american horror stories that you seem to make me a trump supporter, a woman hater, who had been promised power after admitting he was scum to women.... all this shit.   He had killers and things happened, like him offering anyone protection, people calling him the God Emperor or some shit, fat-shaming the women, these paper thing model type actresses made  a big thing of that in the drama, which is the one thing I am guilty of, and I learned.   I apologize.   I was joking in the first place, would never in a million years judge someone solely on their looks.   At all.  Except in my sexual preferences, and I could not help that much, I do not think.   Never tried.   I was raised in a sick environment.  Too much porn and shit, and expecting perfection in my weirdo head.

I digress as I write what is really a serious tomb, and I will never get answers, Chuck left to die without a dramatic ending, to grow old and die.   That is what I want, personally, but then I never felt what it was like to have the powers of a God.   I know what it feels like to feel intensely loved by this God, who tells you he is pleased with you, his son.... and he does.  I know my mysticism is meaningless. . . compared to my acts on this earth.  They mysticism that only makes the slightest sense because it is written in sentences and paragraphs that imply TRUTH has been found, in the a world of pure chaos, primarily, when one reaches the spiritual yearnings of humans.

I love the way the writer's showed a Jack at the end who wanted neither 'sacrifice or worship,' as is how I feel it should be, and to know God is everywhere, even us, and God cares about us, no matter what is happening to this earthly shell, and the answers are in heaven if you want them...  I loved that Michael created the idea of the loving God among the humans, who wanted to loved back was all.... and then they would get to heaven....   Of course it worked 'better' than he thought.   All myths about God in the bibles, that I love, too.   They were stories by writers supposedly channeling GOD.

I saw that Jack's red car in the end was the same model I used to drive, though it was rusty brown, it was a great car.  When I was them driving the fancy version in my color I guess, red, commie red, not fucking red state.   I believe in the welfare and the will of the people being the same.  Cars always meant a lot in the race, and if I have been given, symbolically, this car.   I get that.   I am not sure what you mean about Jack disappearing/chuck just growing old and dying without a dramatic death, which I do not care for myself, as much as some think.   I ALWAYS EXPECTED TO LIVE.  I NEVER FEARED DEATH BUT I KNEW I WAS SAFE FROM HUMANS.   I knew.  God works in this world in ways.

He is more hands on than Jack says, or perhaps that was the old God, in this mythology.  Or perhaps this is my mythology still playing out.   Jack the reality, who basically goes undercover, who drives a red car...  I keep remembering when Chuck first appeared he was writing a book on revolution, as was I.  Metatron asked him to write about Godly questions people wanted answered.  Why I do not answer prayers and you should be glad.  I saw myself all over the place, except Dean.  Cass... mostly, during those terrible seasons, when I saw what I took as fiction, events that I would later find out were real.  That I was inspiring acts of violence with my words, when I did not mean to, and then later, as I wrote of my rebellion, and gathered soldiers, I assumed anyone on my side would agree with me, act moral and all this shit and when I heard what had happened....   what existed, I was too stunned to be rational.   Or I would have changed this country there and then.

We must share a love of freedom and justice for all.   That people have developed prejudices and shit during this is obvious, though I ask only for your behavior around those who you disagree perhaps with their very presence on earth, burying the differences as I once drew a drawing about nazi's and Jew's which I should have explained, and would have, and now do.   An answer for everything is what I should have given you before but manipulating the past is beyond me.

I have manipulated the present enough to tip the mental geography of the youth, to turn them as far to the left as possible, in a time the only war we should be waging is to save the planet, and the people effected already, and in the future, by this slow demise....

I knew the family I was originally from was based in Ohio, where supernatural got their 80 plates, which once used to refer to me long ago...  they went back to Canton in the end, and I had a skeleton in my window for Halloween, so skeleton masks it was...  telling me perhaps, as I thought, this was still happening, children being taken for an army.  Not to be juiced by vampires... God only knows what they can do?  The idea of the first three seasons showing a demon who would raise an army of children also kind of hit me, I guess, though that was before I thought I was known, though of course I was.

What am I to say?   I feel I owe you much.   I cannot imagine what your cast and crew went thru on this show.  How hard you worked at the end to get all the proper messages in to me, to I hope not say goodbye...  though if this free's those involved from something against their will...  let them go.   I hate the idea of people being forced to watch me.  I could forget sometimes and feel like no matter how bad it got, I could watch you guys... though I felt for awhile that connection was broken...   I will rewatch what I found so far removed from my experience, that I could not understand what was happening.  The English chapters were like this.   I still have little clue of what happened there though my outright hatred at Will Ferrell, however irrational to despise the messenger and thank God he said what he said, or I never would have known.

 I am not a mobster, which none of you seem to get.  Or Bowie lied about on Blackstar.  I do not know.... but if I watched me, knowing I really was life and death to many, I would have been terrified.  Had I known you had made me that...  I could only re-act as I did, with disbelief.  Why I of all writers, who writes what others have written, not particularly well though opinions at times, pure reckless bravado and...   I pray the inspiration of God.  Some good must come of this...   I feel this is possible.  

I see Supernatural's Jack, a name I was very happy to hear named, because it was the first name they called me...  and when they knew of a certain innocence to my powers was at the center of this...  I though they were all mystical musings, you were told orders of murder were being given.   I was all for a class war but you were told something else altogether was going on.... told to ignore my writing as a lie.  That was the worst. 

  I never meant to end up on some show like this.  Organically happened around me or planned for oh so long.   Why did you have to mess up my mind right before this, what made you think you needed to 'take Hitler out' as you referred to that hospitalization.  No, they inserted I AM.  Bowie got that part right.  I think because the voice started before I was hospitalized.  Brain washed, then tossed out when I did not want a Catholic Bible, but a Mormon one because they predicted Jesus would come.   I read the words and it seemed like I had written some off them...  later I would feel this way about tiny lines in the bible I made sure were kept...  while the rest of mankind writing in their rules and laws of the moment. 

 I did not mean to outshine anyone's star.  I was not thinking of fame, I did not think I had any and was surprised when I saw a direct reference, let alone the view speaking directly to me.  Disney.  You surely are a brain fuck. Had I realize real nazi's exist you would have not found me calling on you to help me.   I would have judged you as you judge others.  You prove to serve the class war and I do not care how you think.  But when in this organization military discipline is important, free will, to think what you will, is respected.   No one should try to convert anyone.   I suspect just coming together and learning you are not so different, and finally winning financial freedom for all... not just a few, that you can go your separate ways.

I see no way to get thru all the divide and conquers setting us at each other's throat... so the common enemy has to be exposed, as members of their team.  Starting with the worst, republican's, and those in power in business who refuse to pay taxes or support taxes being raised, especially since the democrats just passed a whopping military budget, not much of which goes to soldiers, who make just above minimum wage and a third get food stamps, etc...  regardless.   My dreams seemed just dreams before and even after some came true.  I have never though I am ''all that' inside.  That is for you, and true... but it does not excite me.

I feel more unworthy than ever to serve God.  I know I will and I know who we are a bit.  I do just wish peace.  I do not want the visions that gather around my thoughts of war to ever come true, because everyone is fucking innocent of everything, I tend to think.  I see life after life where we experience all ways of being a human, to make the older souls kind to all...   but this is just musing.   I have no idea.  Kind killer.  The man who caused mayhem, a Charles Manson reaction times millions.  I would never ask a human to take their life.   I would never ask anyone to do something I would not.   I used to write all these horror movie things I felt I wanted to do to enemies, etc..  or things I said happened in past lives, that I surely did not expect to be practiced now.

I can never apologize enough for the terror, and most obviously, the deaths... and the lives forever changed.   Revolutions do that.  I expected leaders to rise from the masses, but they were religious, not the people I wanted to influence at all.  I wanted to change the world, thought that I was ...  I don't know, part of the military perhaps?   Then the pain was all mine.  In roach and bed bug infested hells, still watched and somehow still important to some people.   I am not quite sure why though I suspect.   I do not want to order people around, or someone in power who does...  I prefer listening skills and trusting  the experts in the field, as far and wide a net as you can throw. 

 I should think a president should call in academics from all over the world to talk on topics they are working on.   I also think as much as possible the work of bills and issues should be the focus of media attention.  Let people judge us by our deeds, not what we say...  statistically the democrats are much better for the working class and they need to let this be known.

God, digressing...   I spent a weekend in distress after noticing county road seven and thinking too much about how Dean felt like he got screwed, and stabbed in the back.  I am praying that is not how they feel about me.... all about me, but you were dealing with life and death and getting thru where I would not listen to others.  I do not know why?  

I wonder now how this feed goes out, and why?   Money and torture are my answers.  I know perhaps I am being selfish.  Perhaps there is something supernatural about me, the wings story possible true... you certainly introduced me as an angel, and I am not sure why anyone would do that, but they were very rich people.  I do not know if the overwhelming number of people who saw world leaders responding to this guy, and others believing the end was here.   I thought that was my fate for awhile, wanted it at times...  thank God I got over worrying about this vision, and seeing how it could have meant many things.

I think of William street and understand why they hate me.  I hate what happened in Colorado as well.  This was nothing I could foresee.  BUT A FEW SENTENCES were all they would release, those bastards.  Never enough to see the blood wet and new, and more flowing all the time....  between my words...

 When you were crying out for leadership I was pissed that the world seemed to know about me on tv, but I was poor as hell and not benefiting from some money they kept talking about.   I did not see this, and when offered again, after finding out how it was taken, wanted nothing to do with it.   Little did I know....  sickening.   They began to hate me virulently, about the time south park left Colorado, and I surmise now people thought I was moving there.   I looked at my situation, broke as hell, etc... my life, and I saw no way in hell of getting to Colorado in the first place...  I had to assume these things were being arranged by others.

I had yet to learn of the rosarch test my life would become, creating which ever order best suited the mission.  What was your mission in the end?   Mine was to fight the one percent, to fight for the workers, not the company...  and I have become all the more so of late.   In this area I know people are listening, thank God...  because the Unions empowered is the last hope to avoid war.  And the elite will do everything they can to call it whatever, if it is race, religion, country of origin, green card status, whatever... they will find a way to get some to fight everyone except them.

When I wrote CHOOSE YOUR SIDES I meant the one percent and ninety nine percent and people went crazy thinking I wanted...  all these different sides emerged that I had never known of.   I told you no, no, no.... when SOROS made this clear in one of his commercials.   I have the feeling he hates me now as well though I do not know, and if he is who he professes to be who he says, he would be helping me... but they fear me.  I will not take their free will, though their license to kill and live beyond the means of the planet will fade...

I have written before about Michael creating the Church and a loving God, not God...  Chuck did not seem to care about worship, either, until the very end.   I saw myself in Chuck of course, this writer...  at first.   Not in the end, I hope...  I had to kill my grandfather, which is what Jack kept saying... and it was my grandfather who came up with operation bluebeam.   The only way to end this was to leave people with a savior who would not command them, or make himself their god emperor, or...   I never did any of these things.  What you called me behind my back I had no control over, but never in my life was I addressed as a God. I simply wrote and lived a life ignoring my life, to a large degree...  falling into the confusion of a pitch black rabbit hole so deep I still feel like I am falling after years and years...

I guess this screed is meant to be a thank you...  to everyone who once believed enough to do the nearly impossible.  You're hard work was kept from me though I could not believe at the time all you folks put into it, how the focus could suddenly be on me like this, had to have been planned by a lot of people or it sure as hell never would have worked.   A SET up so huge...  how you hid this from anyone, if you did?  

I cannot back down because of Supernatural, but if they have placed the simple religious beliefs I have out there for Jack, great.  No sacrifices or prayers.  I believe this, too, and the icons of churches and such I talk about they reduce God, rather than show God.... that any image is .... false.   The God I saw looked nothing like a human.  I was so tiny compared.   Now I am smaller than ever though I still feel the connection of love when I see his/her/it's face.   It could be anything what happens there, I myself believed that souls would want nothing more than to bask in perfect love, perfect bliss...  nothing else is really needed.   This is why I see them still forever.  A choice I never made, growing up on a planet I said was close to God, called Heaven, my home.  I am not sure why I see the creatures there as purple and blue tubes, moving gently in current...  our souls far from our bodies, or returned for a moment to tell of their adventures instantly to all on the world.

A fantasy world like all religious myths of the here-after.   The levels or hell and heaven and purgatory, the number of angels high and low, in heaven and hell...   all of these are simple tales for simple people, to give reason to death and pain, in their short, brutal lives.  To control them for Kings.  To stir up hatred against those who do not share our myth.   Meaning is God loves my soul, no matter how many times I falter, and I believe during this life I was meant to falter many times.   When I think I was placed on the same side with tRump sickens me.  

 I have damaged my name too badly to ever go back and expect this world to care about me.  I will play the part of the bad guy, if that is what it takes to work for the future.   Someone must.   I see it playing out differently all over the planet, the collapse, and unless we are prepared, like apocalyptical zombie attacks coming prepared, we will have failed those who depend on us.  Those who we allow to sleep thu this to keep society crippling along as much as possible, let as many live and be happy as long as possible... why not?   

But once you know about evil, you are responsible.   This is how I feel. I do not wish a repeat of last time, I would rather see progressives take over politically, but we have too little time.

I also saw 80 disappear from the plate when you symbolically went back to Kansas, after coming back from OZ.   Either you were the best friends or enemies I have in this media world in a way;   most shows switched around the areas that had the most about me.   I saw a community they changed all kinds of things in.   Ridiculous stuff.

Still I feel small when I hear I am being watched again, first by the kelsey grammar slam, with the black God, the racist show I wrote a friend about after seeing the first one.... they opened the second with the black God doing something I had been doing, but regardless...  my reaction is always to turn this shit off, when a cooler head would take the time to study the person, which I wish the hell I had done many times.

I wanted to ask everyone about me, what  they knew....   why I did not is a mystery I can only answer by saying even amidst all this, there was a disconnect, between television and my real life.  I never saw them meet and if they did, still....   I ended up as I am, which makes me think of Chuck, alone, without a heroes ending or anything, just plodding along a forgotten nobody?   Or Jack, who takes my philosophy, hands off, no need for prayers or sacrifices to me.   I liked Michael and not God had started the churches, but there is power in the churches, undeniable.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Macauley Caulkin... saw the evil on your face in the end of the clip..

I have gotten along with actors, and I have met the most screwed up, vindictive, weirdo's in that field, as well. Normal folk exist but they avoid the tabloids, not court them. I do not want this message to be taken as a stereotype of all people, more exceptions than rules on this one I believe. The problem was accepting evil to benefit for yourself. 

 You hid your Weinstein's and CHILD MOLESTER'S (NOT Q TALK, the real ones not this made up fraternity, which I just plain doubt highly -- when one of them is busted for this they are tossed out of the industry). Epstein's were hidden by spies and politicians and black mail... Last night home alone boy, who I think is a pretty good actor but three out of ten people could probably say the same -- it ain't brain surgery, folks, it is made to be illusion. 

 Regardless, the cat farting rainbows.  This appeared, with a theme song which happens to be my favorite song and I had written about it that day in a joke with a friend... my wife tapes this talks show.... anyways, he is the guest, and all the while kneels beside a cat farting rainbows, which looks exactly like my fat white and gray cat, blowing this big fart, that in the end becomes rainbows.   Normally the guest would comment, or the host, but all that was said was, Nice Cat...  as the clip ended the camera lingered on home alone boys face just long enough to show him looking evil, and smirkish.   

 I have been communicating about in other mediums than the net.   

   In my mind this went to what I have made clear of late. A surprise I was saving for a last resort, kinda flee from Chicago and then let the havoc  be elsewhere. Insurance. Some knew how to contact me in ways I did not divulge, at first because I did not understand. So much became clear with context... told you the story of the man who had to shoot five men, to prove he had the balls to kill many, even friends, if some vaguely terrible thing they predicted came true. Like everyone it seems, they did not trust putting intelligence in my head, and they would have gotten it out, I am sure. 

 Had they known to look.... never send people looking in the right places, unless you want them to waste their time forever in the catacombs under Cities, in Dumbs, etc... so if you think you have to insure the Witting -- who would get this message and that I saw it.... etc....the cat is blowing rainbows out his ass, great.  Glad your kind stood up and took notice of being on notice. What you believe does not matter one iota compared to a fact. I believe in Physics, the bit I know... a force in motion is only stopped by equal or greater force and The Seals thought I needed greater force. 

 I salute their souls and pray they did not reincarnate back in for the last few years, though warriors will... I do not look down on those who do not. Anymore than I look down on pacifists, those who will be/have been driven mad. Or my enemy. I find you mistaken so it is hard to be angry over that... had I been in your shoes I would have died fighting me, or killed me more than likely. I have written such things many times. I am tired of repeating myself. There are many things I have reacted to with anger or revulsion that I wish I had been less reactionary toward. 

 The Poker Face. Is not merely hiding ignorance anymore. I can tell by your quick reaction to my statement that you know it is true. Got to make sure your cult think it is a lie, get a job at me if you can, but I know you better in some ways than you know yourselves. I get it wrong a lot, but... right enough. The look of evil on your face, home alone, told me you were not forced to play all nice with this image behind you, not explained of course, because that is how the game is played, so the Unwitting do not notice a message has been given. K I have not reacted except with anger at the people I wanted to work with, williamstreet.

 For awhile we did and then this The Emperor Wants Colorado became a rallying point, which led only by... I do not know, they devolved as a fighting force, and their morals were pushed to the breaking point, by taking orders no one should give, let alone carry out. I do not blame people who are in cults, especially this elaborate matter, but I do not want to be followed by drones. If a free people do not take my ideas, examine them, and find a place for them in their own morality... great. I repeat a lot of great minds the young have to discover each generation, or they will be lost, because of my studies, and I do not always try to footnote them, but that footnote and many more exist in my mind. The scam of adding footnotes to try to prove something was pointed out to me as possibly using fiction to prove fiction with a famous name, trying to add their prestige to the point. Feminist philosophy. Let it rule, let it rule... in the name of Justice and team FREE WILL. Seth Green I imagine hates me, leading to Home ALONE boy to think he can be a part of the spy game, because the CIA encourages this, and though I have offered them an olive leaf, or at least to some... others I have only contempt and know they have deadly content, which physics alone offers the answer. 

 Not conspiracies, or political parties set up to provide a corporate safety net while robbing the citizens -- some the repub's worse than ever, and under tRump the worst. That many have in their minds years of my working with such people is nothing I can change. I am not going to do more than mourn your hurt feelings. The world has to change, and I am not the one who set one up that only violence and the threat of violence works in. To this end it was suggested I had to live though not lose my advantage, and offer a surprise when I announced what was coming and pulled off a miracle, bringing down Babel or some such place where the evil has saturated the human geography. The small town folk easily fooled and hopefully eventually schooled by the right wing are not all bad people all the time, but they have a room of hate, intentionally inserted by the CIA's media manipulation to make the USA war-like again, after Vietnam showed the follow of war to all. 

 They stopped the hippies with drugs and people like dylan and bowie and the others. Listen to woody guthrie and hear the sea-change from american music to sounding English, then check out the Tavistock Institute, where it is said rock was designed, etc. To what extent this was then true I do not know but it sure is now. I started a revolution and sent out message that were too far before their time, when my ignorance was so great I worked with people who were doing things I could not believe... and I felt like I had no control, then I would lash out and see if it mattered. I expected back then things would be simple, the workers would recognize the system needed to be changed, and the current system was not only not doing this, but killing citizens methodically. This was too much. I will forever see the evil smirk on mcaulkins face. 

 He like all passing stars will mean nothing in the end; memories of a movie from when he was a kid. FAME WHORES hate that. I wanted regular old fame to donate money and do all these things, but... I was chosen or destined to be in the position I am, and was. I like the idea that you are telling people I am blowing rainbows out of my ass. I would prefer no one panic or know when or where, perhaps... just poof. I use magic and cities disappear. Are they all in the US? Are they anyplace I would mention, liberal cities... not my enemies. We took the white house for awhile. God only knows what they hid in those catacombs. Just saying. I do not enjoy this. I do not want to ever be the purveyor of your destruction, I laid out win win win win and if you are too vindictive for that, then you are fools. VINDICTIVENESS against a character I played hardly translates into anything I give a damn about. A character of a Jesus who did not know his mission, trusted that those around him shared the values of his writing, not the rantings to spies and others. 

 I would get so angry at people asking me questions that I responded rudely. I regret this, not my way, except when I feel threatened, and all I want is a fight, something, anything, real to happen.... the tv was another world, same with the radio. The odd groups who would show up, etc... and yet NO ONE came to me.   Except a spy, who gave me hints into what happened, but was close mouthed.  Told what to say and not.  I still learned a lot from him and though he was very hard to take as a person, a true killer, sociopathic -- would steal from you obviously, as he did with a twenty I had sitting out on a table when he came in, prepared to go shopping.  It could have went nowhere except into his pocket, yet he would deny that with a made up hurt in his eye, put the blame on her.

Better than worthless....  never enough to do anything with the intelligence until later.

This made me think I had friends and enemies. I did not want any enemies, which is why I forgave everyone. I mistakenly targeted people with words thinking they held no actions beyond them. I still feel that simple way when I am at rest, though this is not often. I am battered by emotions, mostly empathy, mourning, and this motivates me to go on and on and on... to begin what I pray will not be the endgame, but the beginning.

 I do not want to harm anyone, let alone innocent people. That does not mean I won't. That means I will do everything in my power to make sure that my targets are strategically important for... other matters. I want to be prepared. Once prepared to wreak havoc

if we lost and make a victory pyrrhic. Another to get rid of their roach nests underground.

 In the end I do not think either of these tactics is really what I would do.   Others who feel different, that is your choice, on team free will, but that does mean for all... or none... kind of thing.  I do not want revenge enough to send soldiers to die, so rich people cannot live out a few crippled years on a dead planet. May kind alien's save them or whatever, though I will fight their methods on the surface for funding their dream, as a missionary to the future who looks back and see's what he can do to make things easier, is my vision now... preparing for peace, not war. I am prepared for war. 

 Peace involves a lot of other people. War I can wage alone, should that be my decision. I pray it never is. I would be careful if I were an actor who has seen one side of this, and has replaced their trust in facts for what is easiest to believe... you will look foolish in the end, and getting in my way, later, will be problematic. For now I think of all of you and wish you the best. My critics tell me much, and I am thankful for them... tell me the truth, with your spin... I am sure it works on many. I am not going to respond to all the tv shows. No offense. 

 Many of you went to a lot of trouble, and probably felt a lot of trouble, but you taught me much. I never in a million years felt like I was going to secretly lead or follow women. The situation is that I support women's issues, they know that, and I have stood up for them, ready to die with them, when everyone else declared their blood worthless. I knew God was doing something, as well that there was a massive, world wide campaign doing things. I am still ignorant of much. I have nauseous feeling at the thought of learning everything that has transpired. Many of you know more than me about certain matters, but you know NOTHING hardly about me, my motivations, let alone what I knew about and did not. I was willing to be friendly with anyone, I thought. 

I am preparing for the end of the world, using what resources I can gather to make the road less rocky...  the glass I crawl over, I hope matters in the end.   I have an obligation to make clear some things, and one of them is that I want you terrified of what might happen if you take certain actions;  I want you surprised by great force;  I do not want to destroy the infrastructure that is there, though I certainly mean to change the way the system itself works.  Workers first.  Owners get theirs, but only if the workers get theirs first, as it should be, and as any SMALL business knows.

 Now I am supposed to worry about an image, of a cat, used by propagandists, when I still see working classes against the elite as the only war happening on this planet, and the actors as duped, or deeply instilled in the elite class.   I do not care which.    Call me a liar, use your words to tell me what is believed by your sides, tell me how you hate me and more importantly WHY?   This is still conjecture on my part, though I have enough context to understand the rigidity demanded by people RUNNING A CULT.   I on the other hand think you should avoid them at all costs, never go away for that free weekend because people can be converted, this is SCIENCE, not your will against theirs, but your will against thousands of years of knowledge and SCIENCE on what works best for brainwashing.  

   

This country needs to become democratic socialist, nothing more or less, which is the will of the people... not a king, president, or one political movement.  I want to see Unions voting collectively to make decisions for employee's so they have more power, tax the rich, get our asses out of the war business.   We have a lot to get ready for in this country, and facing climate change, not faking people out with sunpower and windmills that still use gas all over the place.  Cleaner ways exist.

I do not know you. Will not pretend to... you think you know me?

My thoughts are not as see thru, I believe, as some seem to believe.... eventually just wanting some change, anything, besides being isolated from intelligence. Too much never would have happened of others plans, though i threw them into chaos from the beginning. The brain washing changes of becoming Jesus flooded me, too my thoughts... then the day to day mundane punctuated with odd sights, different groups at the beach, which guy said was Sacred, not that I knew. Sacred to me, for sure, the beach where out of the blue I understood I was being watched. Never had that before. They were drugging me in my water bottles I was told. I figured, still an innocent, that law enforcment would see this shit and stop it.... when NO ONE came to talk to me... I was in a maze, and literally that cryptic, stone, complex maze, began to fill with blood, until I was finally able to crawl out... I found myself being interrogated for mass murders, on going... that I heard about for the first time from my interrogators. I was also ignorant because of need to know, to a degree I could tell the truth and still not be able to provide anythiing to Reborn not with the joyous, innocent blood of childbirth... the crimson, brown, black splotches covering me smelled of murder, torture, mayhem for the sake of mayhen... madness. In this blood, I was found in the battle field, and were told I was the leader, the face everyone knew was involved, perfect patsy... why the CIA WANTED me to kill myself so bad... not to mention they were rightly so paying for blood with blood. They tricked me with patriotism into following a president I would have swept away, had I known what was expected of me. They did not count on me having free will, let alone morality they could not buy. I believe in God, immortality, that doing the right thing is worth risking my death, no matter how certain that looked at the time. I would rather die with my conscious intact than be forced to fight against justice, or the rights and welfare of the forgotten and poor and old and young -- those who have no voice, have a screram in me.. those who couold never kill, have a killer in me, professionally speaking. I am no murderer. What is done in war is done in war. When one is in peace-time, however sporadic this illusion comes into my life, I want to hate myself for decisions made when I could smell blood in the water, became a shark in a mindless feeding frenzy, or a dictator of religious decrees... a man who wrote all the time and believed what I wrote was my legacy. This has not proven to be the case at all, of course. I do not give a damn about my legacy. Whatever is best for the masses is how I will try to act, and I gave the rich a way out which they will take when the time comes, it is is win win in a new system... or our system, with taxation and forced redistribution of trillionaire and billionaire wealth, and also making some utlities owned by everyone, not the stock brokerrs; the workers, not speculators. This will too radical for some, maybe it is for now, but we need that 70 percent tax cuts back. I remember the world before that, and things were getting better, moving in many ways in the right directiton. I had message this week about being survailled with may or may not have to do with politics, or criminals selling access to my website, like I am pon... God, when I heard I was the porn king or gay hero in South Korea, I was maddened by how I was being pegged as things I had absolutly nothing to fucking do with... again, other pwople seeing 'sings' from the I am... I felt so sordid. The flashes of me in maryann's ratty housecoat, because I no longer was living in reality -- I was in my mind, and tortured in a way I hate to remember. I was surprised people looked at me like they did. I had for one never went to a public restroom and had sex with some stranger. I joked about all these things, there is nothing wrong with it to me, do as you will discreetly... kind of thing, but even then... not my call. Sometimes people need to be indescreet I suppo I still regret how that ephiphany came at exactly a moment, when I wrote, not thinking anything would come from it all, Burn me. Do your worst. I would.... the tv took off with messages, and the SNL show. I realized this was not some huge spy game but this sordid, fame whore looking guy, who was worshipped... a guy who could easily be taken wrong from afar, who was seldom questioned... the lack of knowledge into a bewildering alice in wonder liker experience led me to destroy a lot of good people. I still look at the tv personalities, and journalists, and musicians that I dealt with and wonder how they were harmed, who is still in the resistance movements I know of,a nd a few are. I am finally in a position to make suggestions wiserr people discuss and often go with it... not always, thank God. I have never had the kind of balance to stand on a pedestal very long. more to come...

THOSE WHO WEAR BLACK

A group that only wore black came to the beach one day
I looked into the eyes of a young man, pain there.  He did not respond to my pleasentry.  Many different groups came, they called the beach holy ground.  I wish I could have been there for you then, known you were waiting for leadership.   I felt alone.

I fought your watching me.  Thought, if I am not going to benefit from this life of mine, I might as well martyr myself.  There is nothing more significant than what we do.  We have to find ways to bring justice without taking no for an answer, anywhere.   I hear of the darkness that prevailed, torture of blacks -- who later taunted me back with what was done and I had no idea what they were talking about.  jhy Other matters …

I THINK I was called a rat or was actually.   By someone whom I wanted to check the blood pressure on, affiliation, who broke my heart once, and fool me once, and such...  I considerr them guilty of leaving me ill informed.   I could not calculate a  scenario without all the evidence;  I needed the proper facts to be Spock, rational.  Leaving me ignorant of California …  matters like these drive me mad.   You never would have seen me at my worst, or disgusting-est, had I known what was happening around me.

I DO NOT WISH TO BE A SILENT PARTNER IN CRIMES

I AM not here to see people who believed in a revolution or a spiritual revival
harmed in any way.  I believe we are all victims of brainwashing of one degree, like my at least three days in a hospital,  the harsh sort of changing of a personality, inserting a voice.

The circle of life/piles of burning of bodies....

I wonder now, looking at the body of my work which was taken as a plan to revolt, and later a religious text or life text more like where metaphors were taken literally, leading to hell's...  I cannot imagine your hate of me, even if you did realize, someone else had set this up.... and I was not in charge, never was, had various groups at  back who I did not even realize were there, let alone were the public told as far as I know, though of course I am still more ignorant than so many of you.   I have no idea what my audience is now.   I know about the communists.   I know little else and I am grateful for all assistance, though my cores never change.   Freedom of speech, a free press... to hunt down the vermin, write stories that make the law jump.   Ain't this stacked world, where presently, the us president is walking all over the law.

I know some of these people once believed in me.  I know of others.   I feel for all of you, and empathy awakened late, now that I have digested some small bit of what you went thru.   I needed ten years, and I did.   We did not have it...  I wanted to be convinced my life was normal other than tv seemingly following my life, while outside my door nothing much seemed to change, the bills still came in...   I hated creature I knew you saw me as when I realized I was being worshipped, because I am not like the one I became fighting against the only face where my friends or foes seemed to appear, screaming at the television.   I cannot explain those last few months, after I became a darling briefly, and bill moyers said I was finally ready to go to Washington and be a speech writer....   so much bullshit I had heard on that tv....  then I did the unthinkable.    AND THEN I learned the truth, who I worked with, their tactics, the place I had in this world.  The race war, for God's sake...

I have to be grateful toward all my critics.   I have to learn from the most hateful of them....  Makes me think of xrt, who I can only see as the people who tried to be my friend, until that became impossible, and I understand why now.   I remember one dj saying he did not want to go to prison, and I am fairly certain he did not.  Again, obliviously leading a group I thought only existed in my mind, and evidently enough in the world that a show came out with Keven Bacon, whose poor family had to live under security because of this, and I am sorry for that experience, and pray you have recovered and thrive.  I thought I was seeing lies, had no idea I was in a cat and mouse game with the FBI.


I honest to God had no idea why the FBI had any interest in me, and I had hoped actually that if my work caused death that they would come and talk to me.  But things do not work that way in the rabbit hole, and I was a hostage...   then, beginning when?    I was offered all these places to go live in the first few days....  when I was stunned to be Christ and high a hell on love and weed and pills...  I was stunned I was loved.  I am not sure why I expected hatred?    Maybe I knew that is what is always happens when a new message from God appears, and the old salt is tossed out... so once more GOD can inhabit the cathedrals, now disgraced for their rape of innocence, institutionalized.   Until these sins are brought into the light, the Catholic's will be disgraced on certain levels....  This requires exposing many long hidden, and they have power in the church.  Their firing would cause further damage to the PR they say --  the path to salvation if fraught with pain....  redemption is earned with the crack of a whip, not soft words of forgiveness.


I know this to be true, and accept what not what is my due.  I do not want anyone judging me on this planet.  You will and I will judge you and we will both be way off and not even know it.  I judge you and you judge me, both of us way off and we do not even know it.


I think sometimes I WILL JUST SHUT UP... then I remember when I tried that, and was rightly called a deserter...   told my own pain did not matter right then, I had to fight... and I did a bit, not as hard as others.  I have been sheltered.  I wonder if this is why my mental health still seems intact?

I never meant to …  is over.   Mostly I mean now, though then not always... Dylan, I have to get over caring about that... totally unfair.  I am sorry for any pain I have caused him, like his peace prize... my cackles go up as I write this, but still... I the man does not deserve to have his peace of mind messed with me over events I cannot quite conceive of yet, and without being a witness have no idea.


No who criticizes me that I get mad at deserves any retribution of any kind.  I do not ever feel the same way once the storm cloud as passed.   I do not want kill or be killed.  I would rather be ignored than be that person again.   I had no idea people were actually taking my words like you were, thru the phases of what gangster, porstar, whatever.... stardom was never part of what I had.  I was messed with and fighting forces I did not understand, and am still vague about.  I will make mistakes.  I do not write from the highest peaks, I wish my useful words used and the rest ignored.

This Joker Business.

     I am saddened of course by the events that led to this movie, than the movie, which is meaningless to me in some ways.   I am not flattered by the attention, more astounded, as always, that I am still seen as this huge threat.  Things were done in my name over which I had no control.   Every time I stood up to what was going wrong and fought for what I believed to be right, no matter the consequences to myself.   Other times I was cowardly in my thinking, I realize now.  Had I known the then I would have been able to defeat it, as I have now.  Fears I can live with -- I would much rather have them.  I have had too few on the larger scale of life.  Too many on the petty.


    I thought for awhile it mattered that my name be cleared, but the more this settles and I am able to accept and process the scope, to the degree I have, the less I wish to be troublesome, to say the least.   I led from an inspiration that I believed to be God himself, in my poetry.... in my life I was a rebelious teen offending everyone to no good purpose.   I have a message or two for this world, or a way of saying old messages anew, that appealed to some.  I will not fight for no reason though for the right reason I am all in.  I would prefer every avenue be explored first, but only within reason.

I lost my ability somehow to define myself.  I did not lose this entirely when the Jesus idea was new to me.  I lost it to the public image of me, which has nothing to do with me in the least.  And everything to do with me.   I feel now like I will use what influence I can to continue to advocate for the people to participate and change.

I am still fought and seemingly still asked to participate.  I do wish to fight this pedophilia shit they place me within.   I have never even been around children since I was a child.  I hardly fit the description of a pervert.  More a guy embarrassed to go the toilet in public sitting down, than.... and I have NEVER had sex in a bathroom with a man or a woman, or in a public park or any of these things I played around with, trying to normalize the idea of different sexualities.  I did not much care how you looked at me if this bothered you, I was trying to help the people going thru it, having problems.


I feel as if I made a statement saying I GIVE UP...  the environmental destruction is inevitable, and I do not want to go out fighting for a revolution that is going to made irrelevant in the course of events...  on the other, this might prove crucial.  I do not know what plans people have for going into space, or travel, maybe they all arer adepts of some sort, and know we are all just going to a higher plane and do not worry about it.   I worry about the pain of getting there.

I want to help you but I am always confused by what is required.   I do not have the expertise or source documents around me to make judgement on much of anything, in some respects, in others I have been studying ethics, through novels, art, philosophy, and religion my entire life.   I believe in these things but I am no ideologue about anything.  In a leadership position, I would have proved effective had I been contacted and properly introduced to the parties involved, without having been brainwashed, reduced to someone I do not know now, when I re-read his convictions.   I am not God.  I thought I might be a God or something of the sort, and I am something different, enough events have happened to convince me of this, though the ultimate creator is a being I have had a relationship most of my life....  never once did I think I could come up with all this.

I welcomed the love of this being who inspired me to do good, but that was mostly my parents, as well.   Still, whatever, the reason why people did not recognize the person they saw on the webcam was because that was not me.  I surfaced in my writing, where my various higher angels end up.   I was a sinner though I am not going to call it that.  I think of it as being stupid, needing to learn a few things.  I came into this ill prepared and always will be, my keepers do not want me to know that much I think.  I am the tiger, I am all in black.


I forgive everyone who hates me outright.  In the context, my behavior was monstrous, and my words fanned on mass murder, crime, mayhem...  and in others a revolutionary spirit, but no one seemed to know what to do with the convoluted shit I was spewing.  I could not lead a war I could not see, nor even be allowed to know much about.  I could certainly not be expected to act all I LOVE YOU WATCHING ME...  If you need guidance, if I am in a position to make peace, or lean this country to the left, help the unions, the down trodden, God's people... who to me are nothing special to anybody though miraculous to me all along.  I used to marvel at people who could buy a house.  Have those kind of lives.  I envied car mechanics, I never looked down on people because of their job.  My parents did not define themselves by their jobs, but by their societal beliefs and ethics...


I do not like being feared.  I did ask for your fear, and indeed, of course, deserve your fear.  Though in another manner you have NOTHING to fear from me.  I do not have any designs on harming anyone.  I have responsibilities to civilians and combatants on all sides to be judicious and sane about these matters.  I am a person who will not act violently with premeditation, 99.9 percent of the time.  I do not want it.   I do not want plans that require violence.  I am not God and in control of the ways things are, or what works, either?

I told you the myth I take as my metaphor for my existence.  I am a soul far from home, on a journey helping souls develop.  I am not sure why I am here?   I thought it was to provide a mercy killing for a bit, or maybe I just sensed the end was coming in a hundred years or so...  I don't know.  Did a number on me...

ENDINGS

everything is ending

the weight of mourning grows over the years

death after death of pets and friends and family

accumulating into a past of painful reminders of who was

does me no good to believe in immortality

when I miss my cats and dogs so much I want to scream

when the brother I lost will never again answer his phone

with a stupid joke

or go on about cars

wouldn't annoy me now

No point in repeating death hurts

all day long

like an adolescence looking for enough depth

to write a song

no point in looking at car wrecks

maybe a recent death sends you seeking comfort

in a poem?

a pithy reminder that life goes on?

well, it does, and it will...

hurt and thrill and bore

until there are those days you feel can take no more

SO is the verdict in among the oligarchy, that the threat is so real... you have to toss the Joker at me?

    I still have the sense of the every day guy sitting me beside me, going HEY THAT sounds nuts when I write, like such people matter in this context.   I wish to speak directly to my critics, friends and foes....  should I have either?  Your stupid psycho-pop interpretations of me always take out of the equation that for years, I felt cornered, with a broken bottle in my hand surrounded by armies.  People who could control the media, for God's Sake, suddenly invading my life.  I kept thinking it had ended and then it would begin again.

Now I no longer take this personally, I just cannot.  The effort everyone has gone to on all sides is too magnificent to center on me, obviously, there are other matters to consider.  Before, I thought I was the only one being harmed by all of this.   I was the victim.  When I was the victimizer.  I do not want anyone to use my image or name in such way again.  I do not wish to harm anyone because of some belief I have or otherwise.  The only time violence should be used is in war, and defense.  Right now we are at war.   I do not wish to be sided with people who do not share my ultimate goals;   their beliefs are their own to have, all I want is equality, for all... as much as humanly possible.  A democratic planet would vote that all money presently being used for war, would turn to solving the worlds problems.

Sounds like something a God Emperor would order.  From a throne of fresh corpses.  Not me.  I did not know of your world when you first brought me into this,  Now I do.  I was introduced to a responsility I did not want though one I was humbled and honored to have.  This does not mean I am a madman or anyone has anything to fear from me, a guy who wants to live, despite whatever the hell happens to me.

I said OUR FRIENDS Wear BLACK.   I do not know what much to make of this.  I do believe womyn deserve equality by any means necessary, and others reparation's, etc.  We are a very rich country spending our money badly.  We need to take about everything from the billionaires, set some kind of one hundred million dollar limit on world wide wealth -- I mean, if that is not enough money to live on, then off with your fucking head, and we'll make the offer to your kids, or whoever.   I do not think that we need to strip all wealth from people.   I do see a dismal future ahead though, which will cause drastic change.

I do not wish to be there as some kind of madman.   I will NOT sow chaos for the sake of chaos, or money.  I want HONEST MONEY, which is maybe an oxymoron, but I wanted to earn it on my own, not have it be given to me, stolen yet, or bloody.


Now all these years later I know I would have reacted differently had they not scrambled my brains.  If you are Harley Quinn, and expect me to be your Joker, I am sorry.  That is not who I am.

I have a brain that feels like it no longer works.  I do not have enough intelligence to compute what is happening to this day.  I do know if I am once again standing at my back door staring out, doing nothing because I have no idea of what is happening....   or if I am full bore involved.  I see some signs of effect but the days of having cia help are probably over, unless some of them are on our side, sure hope so. We can never afford to assume an entire organization could be without sympathizers for justice, or a livable future, etc...  maybe I am wrong?  I doubt it.  People are people.  But then the things I hear they do to each other?


I will never stop rocking this boat, until it tips fucking over, and everyone is sinking of swimming, not living on the luxury decks or below.  Fucking metaphors.  Suck at them.

I would like to see changes but I seriously mean this, no violence will help in these matters, merely countering them must be done in the same realm, that of words, where they are fighting.

Phoenix has now been put in a Christ movie, then the Joker, who the right continues to want me associated with.  I may have been like the Joker in a way, and I certainly could have appeared as him to those watching me from places unknown to me, so many of you... underground, believing the end was here.  I did not know what to think of the mind blowing circumstances either.   I kept expecting someone to come to me, never suspecting I was living a life of lawlessness.  I thought I followed the law in all rational ways.  Regardless of my illusion, I was thinking of how they have used this actor, knowing surely..

When I was on their side or he was force to, he did the I AM STILL HERE...  Then later, he did the I WAS NEVER HERE.  Something, but the career choices are of course way too much to be coincidence, especially in light of this latest development, where the enemy is so intent on fighting my simple message they make the number one film in the world about me.  should I be FLattered.  the guy on big bang who said to me he would love a show about him, and I should be grateful.. like my life was a show?  Like I should be grateful for what I saw and felt as torture?  A possible enemy in my living room every day.   Seeing my words used by others, not quite knowing why always, etc.

Now I feel that this fame I HAVE  NOT EXPERIENCED must be on going, and one who speaks seems to have confirmed as much.  I will not lie and say that I like this idea at all, but I will do what is necessary.   That is it.  Do I wish to be involved?  Of course.

I was thinking earlier, I fight in memory of those who fought and died in this fight, I will not abandon our efforts to make this a better world...  too much went awry.  Violence became a form of communication, threats, or dishonors.   Your ways are hard, as I knew it would take to fight a revolution, but I never imagined what happened.


I want no part of such circumstances again.   I am who I am, and I cannot but still feel I am Christ.   I find this is my answer when I ask myself the question.   What this means I do not even care anymore, if it is real does not enter into my calculations in this world.  I do not expect to do miracles or be in control of my life?   ANGEL HAS FALLEN, AFTER WHITE HOUSE...  the fallen movies.  Maybe they did happen, the men of english letters, and finally I learn …..  ARE WE JUST A SHOW TO YOUR????  SAM asked, a character with a name many took for awhile, in the game of names, my middle name being scot, as if they claim me.

tRump's THREATS OF VIOLENCE...

I see you.  I see that our names are intertwined in the knowledgeable, as hellions.  Bikers and cops and so many others;   all demonized.  Some deservingly so, from what I hear.  I cannot imagine many of you believed in God.  Not after what you have done.

The duality of my existence is complex.  Yes, we must have funding, but if those who gather this money are simply going to use the money for high living... or whatever.  I meant Give the money to charities when I said it.  I learned who was behind some of this when the party poker thing happened.  I would not have worked with you on such things, this was not the point.  Or maybe I would have if we had a clear objective, a government ready to step in, groups ready to swear fealty, with their own demands met, to benefit as many as possible.  To spread around power enough that we can in these rich United States, give everyone a chance.  Not longer the land of the few.

I see the Joker criticism and need to be reminded of this as much as possible.  I cannot thank my critics enough.  If the people who I am working with are doing atrocities, or stealing without reason other than personal gain, I cannot function within your organization without utter ignorance.  This happened before.  I ended up having responsibility is senseless pain and death -- or seemingly so;   I know this blood will appear senseless for a time, though always we will be the first blow against this fucked up system.  The way this fell apart must be the guide map of NOT TO RUN A REVOLUTION.   You certainly do not come to a leader who has no clue what you are up to and ask them life or death decisions with no evidence for one argument or another given.  My taunting of the English crown.  I see it, and now if I could trust my soldiers, I would take that God and fund anti-imperial and left wing revolutionary action -- not violence, because PEACE has to be tried now that they know we will fight, and there will be hell for some, we can sit down with even our weakened power at their table.   Unless it is too late... even then, negoitiate as you figh, always...   We are stronger than you know.  Stronger than I will say in science, and on the mystic level, should you go there, I am the Lightening, in ways I will not explore unless in battle.

The warrior holds tight on the weakening chains of the monster.

I know that I must seek the mentality that all of this is real, whether I want it or not.  I am being watched by millions, right now.  This I have been told, and it has been proven to me others see.  I have no privacy, stuck in this one room.   Would you have cameras in other rooms?  You cannot intimidate me with anything less than actual violence, and even then.... I would probably be too enraged and busy killing you than intimidated.   That is a rare thing for me to feel.   I should have been more, but...

Back to tRump.

Psy war, I put on a tv music thing and DIRTY JOHN, with the rose they used from my book.

Regardless, I am not the Joker, and you do yourself a disservice in expecting such behavior, unless you have ill-begotten, and ill-conceived plans to try to meddle with my mind again, make me more different than that 'normal' you appeal to than ever.

I can see where you get it, I should have watched you closer, tried like I am doing now to never delude myself;  to stop boxing this away from my conscious and find a way to live this full time, like so many of you.  Living in this isolation from action I missed how hard you worked, while I marveled at your ingenuity at times;   later I realize I had unleashed hell upon innocent people, or was a puppet mostly.  Now I see Len on wxrt calling me a dead rat.  He may understand much I do not but I am not more a rat than...  I wanted this ended, and I wanted it recorded because the dead are not going silent to their death, their songs unsung, as long as I am alive.

I owe a blood debt.  They died in my name.   I had no clue what you were going thru, being told you had to watch me, study what I said.   I would never have wanted any of this for any of you.  What I wanted was unclear even to me, who expected God to create this wonderful scenario, the wedding in Amsterdam, and peace over the world.  Could I have done that once?   If so, all you had to do was tell me.

From such  a position I....  BUT I did not take the Catholic bible, the offer to go to Africa -- so absurd now how I wished later I had taken this up, and how now my life has taken the direction that I have to be offensive and defensive, on the issue of race.

I thought this such a non issue, always tried to be sensitive, but I took no shit from people at times.  I got mad at this homophobic napoleon complex narcissistic so called actor who made fun of the mentally handicapped people he worked with... calling me a liar, when I was mistaken.  Sure he was right when he was wrong.   I stared at him that day because I DID NOT have my glasses on and did not realize it was him until he walked up on me, and seeing he was a head shorter realized how really easy it would be to kick his ass.  Not that I would.  Words...  I cannot be goaded into a fight, learned that cab driving...   I was never even that way in a neighborhood full of kids who were, and we did fight a lot.

I do not know how to explain who I was, who I became, and who I am now.    I was a man who sought the scientific truth and ignored social conventions, thinking they were ridiculous, in my intellectual, artistic cosmology of the world, though I followed most of them, because other than in my imagination, I thought I was not much of anyone.  I did think my ship might come in, but ships themselves now make me want to puke.   What terrified you so that you went out on ships and would not come to shore?  Why was this allowed?  How did things fracture so?

I suppose dividing and conquering the movement that built up became a priority of the intelligence community, when they saw I was not going along.   I see why I became an unholy icon to you.  All of you.  I apologize for being offensive, slanderous, causing terror with word I thought I was tossing at an untouchable, rich opponent from my apartment, where roaches filled the shower curtain EVERY DAY....  woke to her screaming and cursing as she pushed the away.  Terrible shit. Stewart says, I am rich and even I have roaches....   no, my friend, we are talking on the same level.    I did not want to be an example of slovenly living and drug abuse.  These are demons of mine on a level, and private on another.  You must remember I looked at the cameras as invasion, not my friend.  When someone asked me to turn up the back lights, I was so pissed... LIKE, I AM GOING TO HELP YOU DO THIS????

Is it merely having the cable?  Does this connect me into the mental and physical wars.  WHY IS HE BACK...  I was said about, when I got cable after a long absence.  I had gone made from your words.  Now I had cable again.   I did not think that meant I had started some 24/7 show of my apartment.   I thought my words got around, not my image like that... Christ, I picture that green house coat, and how I had NO CONTROL of my rage at the idea that this was just a webcam to people, that they watched all the time... why then...  seeing myself, from the perspective, dressing in front of the dresser, and then the live feed.

I wish I had the grace to respond to that as I should have, with kindness and gratitude;  I should have studied the situation more, and explained that cursing had to come natural to mean a person had a higher intelligence, and I realize there are social boundaries for when this is acceptable, especially for children.   Instead these thoughts were lost in the shame and the rage at another blow to my at that point humiliated self.   Worse, my actions had caused death.  I see why the joker moniker applies to these behaviors, where I asked for nothing and caused only chaos.

I am going to try my best not to allow this to happen anymore.  I get angry, created a self who would react, to write I thought, but in the end for psy war.   I however feel that there are many whom you wish to demonize along with my name, movements, socialism.  This is not fair to them.  I barely had a political direction, was certainly inconsistent.  I am even now not holding out for total socialism, because I do not want to direct people into machine gun fire again.     I do not want to be a blind leader, relying on the Grace of God.  The machine built around me did great evil, and while the people within that system, the individuals, were mere cogs...  to redeem ourselves we must continue the mission to get power to everyone.

The ship.  Sure  If I live and things fall apart, I would rather we were in some paradise underground, watching the events on satellites.  I cannot stand aside though and let the chaos consume so many when the Lord and people have granted me some kind of power.  They would spend such time fighting some unknown person, who is not a considered a threat.

I do not wish to be a threat.  I wish to find the win win win win which was always within reach, though never even considered.   We have this adjusted now to what I know and agree to leave tens, not hundreds, of millions to people in order to avoid war.  If this is not good enough then you must decide whether or not to make their win pyrrhic or not?

I have not hid much... if you think I am a rat it is because you were doing shit I do not know about so don't concern yourselves too much.  Just try to keep me out it in the future.  Is that possible?  Will I ever be free to see the people who wish to talk to me?   I want personal relationships even if it means the ire is also there, though they are not necessarily the folks I want to speak with.  Amy is one.  I remember so well the night janitor and your announcement he had sent dick pic's and should not be there.  I was so appalled that was out there...

Then I heard the results and my humiliation just turned to horror, what happened to me again rendered into nothingness by what followed.


  People across the USA have many different mental geographies, from poor folks who are staunch republicans against all their own interests, to intellectuals in the liberal cities attempting to use taxes to the benefit of all, not the already rich, as is done in red states.  The reasons republicans in such areas come up with for voting are more or less staying with the home team, not really thought out.. or researched.  They BELIEVE INSTEAD OF KNOW, as Nietzsche said.  Big difference.  I believe a lot of things, but if someone tells me something proving me wrong, I would rather KNOW.

There is now a scientific explanation for people who cannot change their opinions, they can show they do not have the synaptic pathways most do in their minds, to accept and digest new information.  We all have met the stupid and stubborn.  It is amazing that someone who would actually need so much intellectual help, would stubbornly hold onto their ideas.   I attended University long enough to teach on that level, though I never followed up on offers to teach because I was too busy writing, then I became persona non grata.  I do not mind.

WHEN I SAID GIV AND GIVE I meant to other people, in many ways, not just money.
I did not know of a fund except in the abstract.  I was being told these things over a fictional medium and the seldom seemed to cross with my life, except in cryptic ways.  I was torn between revolution and the Christ awakening, thinking they would be one.

I wanted to come in here and say there are still fights to fight.  All sides should preserve themselves, send out distress signals into the stars and pray God or science saves a few humans.  I am not sure how involved in such matters I wish to be, unless I am a part of a group that wishes this, and then I will help, because they have that right.   I am more of a martyr, easy to say at my age.  The young are the ones we have to think about.  What will a life be life for children being born NOW, and how can we make sure the world is not a living hell for all but a minute, heavily armed, elite and their well fed sycophant's and pets?  Maybe stopping them is not the purpose.  Maybe he purpose is to make sure we still have enough supplies on the surface to save as many as possible.  I used to imagine glassed in cities, away from nature, though huge, larger than Chicago, with all kinds of different cultures, etc.. living in peace in decent apartments, the glass surrounding them giving them all the energy they need.   Outside the woods have grown back, the trees cleaning as much of the oxygen as they can, while some man made device takes carbon out of the air,, as well... and balances the atmosphere, allows the reintroduction of species long extinct with cloning from a single cell.

A real future.  This is not something that can be achieved thru war.... war is the enemy to a lot of progress.  Too much money wasted.  WASTED.  Because politicians cannot come to terms with ruling their people for all, not a few millionaires like themselves.