I see you. I see that our names are intertwined in the knowledgeable, as hellions. Bikers and cops and so many others; all demonized. Some deservingly so, from what I hear. I cannot imagine many of you believed in God. Not after what you have done.
The duality of my existence is complex. Yes, we must have funding, but if those who gather this money are simply going to use the money for high living... or whatever. I meant Give the money to charities when I said it. I learned who was behind some of this when the party poker thing happened. I would not have worked with you on such things, this was not the point. Or maybe I would have if we had a clear objective, a government ready to step in, groups ready to swear fealty, with their own demands met, to benefit as many as possible. To spread around power enough that we can in these rich United States, give everyone a chance. Not longer the land of the few.
I see the Joker criticism and need to be reminded of this as much as possible. I cannot thank my critics enough. If the people who I am working with are doing atrocities, or stealing without reason other than personal gain, I cannot function within your organization without utter ignorance. This happened before. I ended up having responsibility is senseless pain and death -- or seemingly so; I know this blood will appear senseless for a time, though always we will be the first blow against this fucked up system. The way this fell apart must be the guide map of NOT TO RUN A REVOLUTION. You certainly do not come to a leader who has no clue what you are up to and ask them life or death decisions with no evidence for one argument or another given. My taunting of the English crown. I see it, and now if I could trust my soldiers, I would take that God and fund anti-imperial and left wing revolutionary action -- not violence, because PEACE has to be tried now that they know we will fight, and there will be hell for some, we can sit down with even our weakened power at their table. Unless it is too late... even then, negoitiate as you figh, always... We are stronger than you know. Stronger than I will say in science, and on the mystic level, should you go there, I am the Lightening, in ways I will not explore unless in battle. The warrior holds tight on the weakening chains of the monster.
I know that I must seek the mentality that all of this is real, whether I want it or not. I am being watched by millions, right now. This I have been told, and it has been proven to me others see. I have no privacy, stuck in t
his one room. Would you have cameras in other rooms? You cannot intimidate me with anything less than actual violence, and even then.... I would probably be too enraged and busy killing you than intimidated. That is a rare thing for me to feel. I should have been more, but...Back to tRump.
Psy war, I put on a tv music thing and DIRTY JOHN, with the rose they used from my book.
I can see where you get it, I should have watched you closer, tried like I am doing now to never delude myself; to stop boxing this away from my conscious and find a way to live this full time, like so many of you. Living in this isolation from action I missed how hard you worked, while I marveled at your ingenuity at times; later I realize I had unleashed hell upon innocent people, or was a puppet mostly. Now I see Len on wxrt calling me a dead rat. He may understand much I do not but I am not more a rat than... I wanted this ended, and I wanted it recorded because the dead are not going silent to their death, their songs unsung, as long as I am alive.
I owe a blood debt. They died in my name. I had no clue what you were going thru, being told you had to watch me, study what I said. I would never have wanted any of this for any of you. What I wanted was unclear even to me, who expected God to create this wonderful scenario, the wedding in Amsterdam, and peace over the world. Could I have done that once? If so, all you had to do was tell me.
From such a position I.... BUT I did not take the Catholic bible, the offer to go to Africa -- so absurd now how I wished later I had taken this up, and how now my life has taken the direction that I have to be offensive and defensive, on the issue of race.
I thought this such a non issue, always tried to be sensitive, but I took no shit from people at times. I got mad at this homophobic napoleon complex narcissistic so called actor who made fun of the mentally handicapped people he worked with... calling me a liar, when I was mistaken. Sure he was right when he was wrong. I stared at him that day because I DID NOT have my glasses on and did not realize it was him until he walked up on me, and seeing he was a head shorter realized how really easy it would be to kick his ass. Not that I would. Words... I cannot be goaded into a fight, learned that cab driving... I was never even that way in a neighborhood full of kids who were, and we did fight a lot.
I do not know how to explain who I was, who I became, and who I am now. I was a man who sought the scientific truth and ignored social conventions, thinking they were ridiculous, in my intellectual, artistic cosmology of the world, though I followed most of them, because other than in my imagination, I thought I was not much of anyone. I did think my ship might come in, but ships themselves now make me want to puke. What terrified you so that you went out on ships and would not come to shore? Why was this allowed? How did things fracture so?
I suppose dividing and conquering the movement that built up became a priority of the intelligence community, when they saw I was not going along. I see why I became an unholy icon to you. All of you. I apologize for being offensive, slanderous, causing terror with word I thought I was tossing at an untouchable, rich opponent from my apartment, where roaches filled the shower curtain EVERY DAY.... woke to her screaming and cursing as she pushed the away. Terrible shit. Stewart says, I am rich and even I have roaches.... no, my friend, we are talking on the same level. I did not want to be an example of slovenly living and drug abuse. These are demons of mine on a level, and private on another. You must remember I looked at the cameras as invasion, not my friend. When someone asked me to turn up the back lights, I was so pissed... LIKE, I AM GOING TO HELP YOU DO THIS????
Is it merely having the cable? Does this connect me into the mental and physical wars. WHY IS HE BACK... I was said about, when I got cable after a long absence. I had gone made from your words. Now I had cable again. I did not think that meant I had started some 24/7 show of my apartment. I thought my words got around, not my image like that... Christ, I picture that green house coat, and how I had NO CONTROL of my rage at the idea that this was just a webcam to people, that they watched all the time... why then... seeing myself, from the perspective, dressing in front of the dresser, and then the live feed.
I wish I had the grace to respond to that as I should have, with kindness and gratitude; I should have studied the situation more, and explained that cursing had to come natural to mean a person had a higher intelligence, and I realize there are social boundaries for when this is acceptable, especially for children. Instead these thoughts were lost in the shame and the rage at another blow to my at that point humiliated self. Worse, my actions had caused death. I see why the joker moniker applies to these behaviors, where I asked for nothing and caused only chaos.
I am going to try my best not to allow this to happen anymore. I get angry, created a self who would react, to write I thought, but in the end for psy war. I however feel that there are many whom you wish to demonize along with my name, movements, socialism. This is not fair to them. I barely had a political direction, was certainly inconsistent. I am even now not holding out for total socialism, because I do not want to direct people into machine gun fire again. I do not want to be a blind leader, relying on the Grace of God. The machine built around me did great evil, and while the people within that system, the individuals, were mere cogs... to redeem ourselves we must continue the mission to get power to everyone.
The ship. Sure If I live and things fall apart, I would rather we were in some paradise underground, watching the events on satellites. I cannot stand aside though and let the chaos consume so many when the Lord and people have granted me some kind of power. They would spend such time fighting some unknown person, who is not a considered a threat.
I do not wish to be a threat. I wish to find the win win win win which was always within reach, though never even considered. We have this adjusted now to what I know and agree to leave tens, not hundreds, of millions to people in order to avoid war. If this is not good enough then you must decide whether or not to make their win pyrrhic or not?
I have not hid much... if you think I am a rat it is because you were doing shit I do not know about so don't concern yourselves too much. Just try to keep me out it in the future. Is that possible? Will I ever be free to see the people who wish to talk to me? I want personal relationships even if it means the ire is also there, though they are not necessarily the folks I want to speak with. Amy is one. I remember so well the night janitor and your announcement he had sent dick pic's and should not be there. I was so appalled that was out there...
Then I heard the results and my humiliation just turned to horror, what happened to me again rendered into nothingness by what followed.
People across the USA have many different mental geographies, from poor folks who are staunch republicans against all their own interests, to intellectuals in the liberal cities attempting to use taxes to the benefit of all, not the already rich, as is done in red states. The reasons republicans in such areas come up with for voting are more or less staying with the home team, not really thought out.. or researched. They BELIEVE INSTEAD OF KNOW, as Nietzsche said. Big difference. I believe a lot of things, but if someone tells me something proving me wrong, I would rather KNOW.
There is now a scientific explanation for people who cannot change their opinions, they can show they do not have the synaptic pathways most do in their minds, to accept and digest new information. We all have met the stupid and stubborn. It is amazing that someone who would actually need so much intellectual help, would stubbornly hold onto their ideas. I attended University long enough to teach on that level, though I never followed up on offers to teach because I was too busy writing, then I became persona non grata. I do not mind.
WHEN I SAID GIV AND GIVE I meant to other people, in many ways, not just money.
I did not know of a fund except in the abstract. I was being told these things over a fictional medium and the seldom seemed to cross with my life, except in cryptic ways. I was torn between revolution and the Christ awakening, thinking they would be one.
I wanted to come in here and say there are still fights to fight. All sides should preserve themselves, send out distress signals into the stars and pray God or science saves a few humans. I am not sure how involved in such matters I wish to be, unless I am a part of a group that wishes this, and then I will help, because they have that right. I am more of a martyr, easy to say at my age. The young are the ones we have to think about. What will a life be life for children being born NOW, and how can we make sure the world is not a living hell for all but a minute, heavily armed, elite and their well fed sycophant's and pets? Maybe stopping them is not the purpose. Maybe he purpose is to make sure we still have enough supplies on the surface to save as many as possible. I used to imagine glassed in cities, away from nature, though huge, larger than Chicago, with all kinds of different cultures, etc.. living in peace in decent apartments, the glass surrounding them giving them all the energy they need. Outside the woods have grown back, the trees cleaning as much of the oxygen as they can, while some man made device takes carbon out of the air,, as well... and balances the atmosphere, allows the reintroduction of species long extinct with cloning from a single cell.
A real future. This is not something that can be achieved thru war.... war is the enemy to a lot of progress. Too much money wasted. WASTED. Because politicians cannot come to terms with ruling their people for all, not a few millionaires like themselves.
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