This Joker Business.

     I am saddened of course by the events that led to this movie, than the movie, which is meaningless to me in some ways.   I am not flattered by the attention, more astounded, as always, that I am still seen as this huge threat.  Things were done in my name over which I had no control.   Every time I stood up to what was going wrong and fought for what I believed to be right, no matter the consequences to myself.   Other times I was cowardly in my thinking, I realize now.  Had I known the then I would have been able to defeat it, as I have now.  Fears I can live with -- I would much rather have them.  I have had too few on the larger scale of life.  Too many on the petty.


    I thought for awhile it mattered that my name be cleared, but the more this settles and I am able to accept and process the scope, to the degree I have, the less I wish to be troublesome, to say the least.   I led from an inspiration that I believed to be God himself, in my poetry.... in my life I was a rebelious teen offending everyone to no good purpose.   I have a message or two for this world, or a way of saying old messages anew, that appealed to some.  I will not fight for no reason though for the right reason I am all in.  I would prefer every avenue be explored first, but only within reason.

I lost my ability somehow to define myself.  I did not lose this entirely when the Jesus idea was new to me.  I lost it to the public image of me, which has nothing to do with me in the least.  And everything to do with me.   I feel now like I will use what influence I can to continue to advocate for the people to participate and change.

I am still fought and seemingly still asked to participate.  I do wish to fight this pedophilia shit they place me within.   I have never even been around children since I was a child.  I hardly fit the description of a pervert.  More a guy embarrassed to go the toilet in public sitting down, than.... and I have NEVER had sex in a bathroom with a man or a woman, or in a public park or any of these things I played around with, trying to normalize the idea of different sexualities.  I did not much care how you looked at me if this bothered you, I was trying to help the people going thru it, having problems.


I feel as if I made a statement saying I GIVE UP...  the environmental destruction is inevitable, and I do not want to go out fighting for a revolution that is going to made irrelevant in the course of events...  on the other, this might prove crucial.  I do not know what plans people have for going into space, or travel, maybe they all arer adepts of some sort, and know we are all just going to a higher plane and do not worry about it.   I worry about the pain of getting there.

I want to help you but I am always confused by what is required.   I do not have the expertise or source documents around me to make judgement on much of anything, in some respects, in others I have been studying ethics, through novels, art, philosophy, and religion my entire life.   I believe in these things but I am no ideologue about anything.  In a leadership position, I would have proved effective had I been contacted and properly introduced to the parties involved, without having been brainwashed, reduced to someone I do not know now, when I re-read his convictions.   I am not God.  I thought I might be a God or something of the sort, and I am something different, enough events have happened to convince me of this, though the ultimate creator is a being I have had a relationship most of my life....  never once did I think I could come up with all this.

I welcomed the love of this being who inspired me to do good, but that was mostly my parents, as well.   Still, whatever, the reason why people did not recognize the person they saw on the webcam was because that was not me.  I surfaced in my writing, where my various higher angels end up.   I was a sinner though I am not going to call it that.  I think of it as being stupid, needing to learn a few things.  I came into this ill prepared and always will be, my keepers do not want me to know that much I think.  I am the tiger, I am all in black.


I forgive everyone who hates me outright.  In the context, my behavior was monstrous, and my words fanned on mass murder, crime, mayhem...  and in others a revolutionary spirit, but no one seemed to know what to do with the convoluted shit I was spewing.  I could not lead a war I could not see, nor even be allowed to know much about.  I could certainly not be expected to act all I LOVE YOU WATCHING ME...  If you need guidance, if I am in a position to make peace, or lean this country to the left, help the unions, the down trodden, God's people... who to me are nothing special to anybody though miraculous to me all along.  I used to marvel at people who could buy a house.  Have those kind of lives.  I envied car mechanics, I never looked down on people because of their job.  My parents did not define themselves by their jobs, but by their societal beliefs and ethics...


I do not like being feared.  I did ask for your fear, and indeed, of course, deserve your fear.  Though in another manner you have NOTHING to fear from me.  I do not have any designs on harming anyone.  I have responsibilities to civilians and combatants on all sides to be judicious and sane about these matters.  I am a person who will not act violently with premeditation, 99.9 percent of the time.  I do not want it.   I do not want plans that require violence.  I am not God and in control of the ways things are, or what works, either?

I told you the myth I take as my metaphor for my existence.  I am a soul far from home, on a journey helping souls develop.  I am not sure why I am here?   I thought it was to provide a mercy killing for a bit, or maybe I just sensed the end was coming in a hundred years or so...  I don't know.  Did a number on me...