The circle of life/piles of burning of bodies....

I wonder now, looking at the body of my work which was taken as a plan to revolt, and later a religious text or life text more like where metaphors were taken literally, leading to hell's...  I cannot imagine your hate of me, even if you did realize, someone else had set this up.... and I was not in charge, never was, had various groups at  back who I did not even realize were there, let alone were the public told as far as I know, though of course I am still more ignorant than so many of you.   I have no idea what my audience is now.   I know about the communists.   I know little else and I am grateful for all assistance, though my cores never change.   Freedom of speech, a free press... to hunt down the vermin, write stories that make the law jump.   Ain't this stacked world, where presently, the us president is walking all over the law.

I know some of these people once believed in me.  I know of others.   I feel for all of you, and empathy awakened late, now that I have digested some small bit of what you went thru.   I needed ten years, and I did.   We did not have it...  I wanted to be convinced my life was normal other than tv seemingly following my life, while outside my door nothing much seemed to change, the bills still came in...   I hated creature I knew you saw me as when I realized I was being worshipped, because I am not like the one I became fighting against the only face where my friends or foes seemed to appear, screaming at the television.   I cannot explain those last few months, after I became a darling briefly, and bill moyers said I was finally ready to go to Washington and be a speech writer....   so much bullshit I had heard on that tv....  then I did the unthinkable.    AND THEN I learned the truth, who I worked with, their tactics, the place I had in this world.  The race war, for God's sake...

I have to be grateful toward all my critics.   I have to learn from the most hateful of them....  Makes me think of xrt, who I can only see as the people who tried to be my friend, until that became impossible, and I understand why now.   I remember one dj saying he did not want to go to prison, and I am fairly certain he did not.  Again, obliviously leading a group I thought only existed in my mind, and evidently enough in the world that a show came out with Keven Bacon, whose poor family had to live under security because of this, and I am sorry for that experience, and pray you have recovered and thrive.  I thought I was seeing lies, had no idea I was in a cat and mouse game with the FBI.


I honest to God had no idea why the FBI had any interest in me, and I had hoped actually that if my work caused death that they would come and talk to me.  But things do not work that way in the rabbit hole, and I was a hostage...   then, beginning when?    I was offered all these places to go live in the first few days....  when I was stunned to be Christ and high a hell on love and weed and pills...  I was stunned I was loved.  I am not sure why I expected hatred?    Maybe I knew that is what is always happens when a new message from God appears, and the old salt is tossed out... so once more GOD can inhabit the cathedrals, now disgraced for their rape of innocence, institutionalized.   Until these sins are brought into the light, the Catholic's will be disgraced on certain levels....  This requires exposing many long hidden, and they have power in the church.  Their firing would cause further damage to the PR they say --  the path to salvation if fraught with pain....  redemption is earned with the crack of a whip, not soft words of forgiveness.


I know this to be true, and accept what not what is my due.  I do not want anyone judging me on this planet.  You will and I will judge you and we will both be way off and not even know it.  I judge you and you judge me, both of us way off and we do not even know it.


I think sometimes I WILL JUST SHUT UP... then I remember when I tried that, and was rightly called a deserter...   told my own pain did not matter right then, I had to fight... and I did a bit, not as hard as others.  I have been sheltered.  I wonder if this is why my mental health still seems intact?

I never meant to …  is over.   Mostly I mean now, though then not always... Dylan, I have to get over caring about that... totally unfair.  I am sorry for any pain I have caused him, like his peace prize... my cackles go up as I write this, but still... I the man does not deserve to have his peace of mind messed with me over events I cannot quite conceive of yet, and without being a witness have no idea.


No who criticizes me that I get mad at deserves any retribution of any kind.  I do not ever feel the same way once the storm cloud as passed.   I do not want kill or be killed.  I would rather be ignored than be that person again.   I had no idea people were actually taking my words like you were, thru the phases of what gangster, porstar, whatever.... stardom was never part of what I had.  I was messed with and fighting forces I did not understand, and am still vague about.  I will make mistakes.  I do not write from the highest peaks, I wish my useful words used and the rest ignored.