The circle of life/piles of burning of bodies....

I wonder now, looking at the body of my work which was taken as a plan to revolt, and later a religious text or life text more like where metaphors were taken literally, leading to hell's...  I cannot imagine your hate of me, even if you did realize, someone else had set this up.... and I was not in charge, never was, had various groups at  back who I did not even realize were there, let alone were the public told as far as I know, though of course I am still more ignorant than so many of you.   I have no idea what my audience is now.   I know about the communists.   I know little else and I am grateful for all assistance, though my cores never change.   Freedom of speech, a free press... to hunt down the vermin, write stories that make the law jump.   Ain't this stacked world, where presently, the us president is walking all over the law.

I know some of these people once believed in me.  I know of others.   I feel for all of you, and empathy awakened late, now that I have digested some small bit of what you went thru.   I needed ten years, and I did.   We did not have it...  I wanted to be convinced my life was normal other than tv seemingly following my life, while outside my door nothing much seemed to change, the bills still came in...   I hated creature I knew you saw me as when I realized I was being worshipped, because I am not like the one I became fighting against the only face where my friends or foes seemed to appear, screaming at the television.   I cannot explain those last few months, after I became a darling briefly, and bill moyers said I was finally ready to go to Washington and be a speech writer....   so much bullshit I had heard on that tv....  then I did the unthinkable.    AND THEN I learned the truth, who I worked with, their tactics, the place I had in this world.  The race war, for God's sake...

I have to be grateful toward all my critics.   I have to learn from the most hateful of them....  Makes me think of xrt, who I can only see as the people who tried to be my friend, until that became impossible, and I understand why now.   I remember one dj saying he did not want to go to prison, and I am fairly certain he did not.  Again, obliviously leading a group I thought only existed in my mind, and evidently enough in the world that a show came out with Keven Bacon, whose poor family had to live under security because of this, and I am sorry for that experience, and pray you have recovered and thrive.  I thought I was seeing lies, had no idea I was in a cat and mouse game with the FBI.


I honest to God had no idea why the FBI had any interest in me, and I had hoped actually that if my work caused death that they would come and talk to me.  But things do not work that way in the rabbit hole, and I was a hostage...   then, beginning when?    I was offered all these places to go live in the first few days....  when I was stunned to be Christ and high a hell on love and weed and pills...  I was stunned I was loved.  I am not sure why I expected hatred?    Maybe I knew that is what is always happens when a new message from God appears, and the old salt is tossed out... so once more GOD can inhabit the cathedrals, now disgraced for their rape of innocence, institutionalized.   Until these sins are brought into the light, the Catholic's will be disgraced on certain levels....  This requires exposing many long hidden, and they have power in the church.  Their firing would cause further damage to the PR they say --  the path to salvation if fraught with pain....  redemption is earned with the crack of a whip, not soft words of forgiveness.


I know this to be true, and accept what not what is my due.  I do not want anyone judging me on this planet.  You will and I will judge you and we will both be way off and not even know it.  I judge you and you judge me, both of us way off and we do not even know it.


I think sometimes I WILL JUST SHUT UP... then I remember when I tried that, and was rightly called a deserter...   told my own pain did not matter right then, I had to fight... and I did a bit, not as hard as others.  I have been sheltered.  I wonder if this is why my mental health still seems intact?

I never meant to …  is over.   Mostly I mean now, though then not always... Dylan, I have to get over caring about that... totally unfair.  I am sorry for any pain I have caused him, like his peace prize... my cackles go up as I write this, but still... I the man does not deserve to have his peace of mind messed with me over events I cannot quite conceive of yet, and without being a witness have no idea.


No who criticizes me that I get mad at deserves any retribution of any kind.  I do not ever feel the same way once the storm cloud as passed.   I do not want kill or be killed.  I would rather be ignored than be that person again.   I had no idea people were actually taking my words like you were, thru the phases of what gangster, porstar, whatever.... stardom was never part of what I had.  I was messed with and fighting forces I did not understand, and am still vague about.  I will make mistakes.  I do not write from the highest peaks, I wish my useful words used and the rest ignored.

This Joker Business.

     I am saddened of course by the events that led to this movie, than the movie, which is meaningless to me in some ways.   I am not flattered by the attention, more astounded, as always, that I am still seen as this huge threat.  Things were done in my name over which I had no control.   Every time I stood up to what was going wrong and fought for what I believed to be right, no matter the consequences to myself.   Other times I was cowardly in my thinking, I realize now.  Had I known the then I would have been able to defeat it, as I have now.  Fears I can live with -- I would much rather have them.  I have had too few on the larger scale of life.  Too many on the petty.


    I thought for awhile it mattered that my name be cleared, but the more this settles and I am able to accept and process the scope, to the degree I have, the less I wish to be troublesome, to say the least.   I led from an inspiration that I believed to be God himself, in my poetry.... in my life I was a rebelious teen offending everyone to no good purpose.   I have a message or two for this world, or a way of saying old messages anew, that appealed to some.  I will not fight for no reason though for the right reason I am all in.  I would prefer every avenue be explored first, but only within reason.

I lost my ability somehow to define myself.  I did not lose this entirely when the Jesus idea was new to me.  I lost it to the public image of me, which has nothing to do with me in the least.  And everything to do with me.   I feel now like I will use what influence I can to continue to advocate for the people to participate and change.

I am still fought and seemingly still asked to participate.  I do wish to fight this pedophilia shit they place me within.   I have never even been around children since I was a child.  I hardly fit the description of a pervert.  More a guy embarrassed to go the toilet in public sitting down, than.... and I have NEVER had sex in a bathroom with a man or a woman, or in a public park or any of these things I played around with, trying to normalize the idea of different sexualities.  I did not much care how you looked at me if this bothered you, I was trying to help the people going thru it, having problems.


I feel as if I made a statement saying I GIVE UP...  the environmental destruction is inevitable, and I do not want to go out fighting for a revolution that is going to made irrelevant in the course of events...  on the other, this might prove crucial.  I do not know what plans people have for going into space, or travel, maybe they all arer adepts of some sort, and know we are all just going to a higher plane and do not worry about it.   I worry about the pain of getting there.

I want to help you but I am always confused by what is required.   I do not have the expertise or source documents around me to make judgement on much of anything, in some respects, in others I have been studying ethics, through novels, art, philosophy, and religion my entire life.   I believe in these things but I am no ideologue about anything.  In a leadership position, I would have proved effective had I been contacted and properly introduced to the parties involved, without having been brainwashed, reduced to someone I do not know now, when I re-read his convictions.   I am not God.  I thought I might be a God or something of the sort, and I am something different, enough events have happened to convince me of this, though the ultimate creator is a being I have had a relationship most of my life....  never once did I think I could come up with all this.

I welcomed the love of this being who inspired me to do good, but that was mostly my parents, as well.   Still, whatever, the reason why people did not recognize the person they saw on the webcam was because that was not me.  I surfaced in my writing, where my various higher angels end up.   I was a sinner though I am not going to call it that.  I think of it as being stupid, needing to learn a few things.  I came into this ill prepared and always will be, my keepers do not want me to know that much I think.  I am the tiger, I am all in black.


I forgive everyone who hates me outright.  In the context, my behavior was monstrous, and my words fanned on mass murder, crime, mayhem...  and in others a revolutionary spirit, but no one seemed to know what to do with the convoluted shit I was spewing.  I could not lead a war I could not see, nor even be allowed to know much about.  I could certainly not be expected to act all I LOVE YOU WATCHING ME...  If you need guidance, if I am in a position to make peace, or lean this country to the left, help the unions, the down trodden, God's people... who to me are nothing special to anybody though miraculous to me all along.  I used to marvel at people who could buy a house.  Have those kind of lives.  I envied car mechanics, I never looked down on people because of their job.  My parents did not define themselves by their jobs, but by their societal beliefs and ethics...


I do not like being feared.  I did ask for your fear, and indeed, of course, deserve your fear.  Though in another manner you have NOTHING to fear from me.  I do not have any designs on harming anyone.  I have responsibilities to civilians and combatants on all sides to be judicious and sane about these matters.  I am a person who will not act violently with premeditation, 99.9 percent of the time.  I do not want it.   I do not want plans that require violence.  I am not God and in control of the ways things are, or what works, either?

I told you the myth I take as my metaphor for my existence.  I am a soul far from home, on a journey helping souls develop.  I am not sure why I am here?   I thought it was to provide a mercy killing for a bit, or maybe I just sensed the end was coming in a hundred years or so...  I don't know.  Did a number on me...

ENDINGS

everything is ending

the weight of mourning grows over the years

death after death of pets and friends and family

accumulating into a past of painful reminders of who was

does me no good to believe in immortality

when I miss my cats and dogs so much I want to scream

when the brother I lost will never again answer his phone

with a stupid joke

or go on about cars

wouldn't annoy me now

No point in repeating death hurts

all day long

like an adolescence looking for enough depth

to write a song

no point in looking at car wrecks

maybe a recent death sends you seeking comfort

in a poem?

a pithy reminder that life goes on?

well, it does, and it will...

hurt and thrill and bore

until there are those days you feel can take no more

SO is the verdict in among the oligarchy, that the threat is so real... you have to toss the Joker at me?

    I still have the sense of the every day guy sitting me beside me, going HEY THAT sounds nuts when I write, like such people matter in this context.   I wish to speak directly to my critics, friends and foes....  should I have either?  Your stupid psycho-pop interpretations of me always take out of the equation that for years, I felt cornered, with a broken bottle in my hand surrounded by armies.  People who could control the media, for God's Sake, suddenly invading my life.  I kept thinking it had ended and then it would begin again.

Now I no longer take this personally, I just cannot.  The effort everyone has gone to on all sides is too magnificent to center on me, obviously, there are other matters to consider.  Before, I thought I was the only one being harmed by all of this.   I was the victim.  When I was the victimizer.  I do not want anyone to use my image or name in such way again.  I do not wish to harm anyone because of some belief I have or otherwise.  The only time violence should be used is in war, and defense.  Right now we are at war.   I do not wish to be sided with people who do not share my ultimate goals;   their beliefs are their own to have, all I want is equality, for all... as much as humanly possible.  A democratic planet would vote that all money presently being used for war, would turn to solving the worlds problems.

Sounds like something a God Emperor would order.  From a throne of fresh corpses.  Not me.  I did not know of your world when you first brought me into this,  Now I do.  I was introduced to a responsility I did not want though one I was humbled and honored to have.  This does not mean I am a madman or anyone has anything to fear from me, a guy who wants to live, despite whatever the hell happens to me.

I said OUR FRIENDS Wear BLACK.   I do not know what much to make of this.  I do believe womyn deserve equality by any means necessary, and others reparation's, etc.  We are a very rich country spending our money badly.  We need to take about everything from the billionaires, set some kind of one hundred million dollar limit on world wide wealth -- I mean, if that is not enough money to live on, then off with your fucking head, and we'll make the offer to your kids, or whoever.   I do not think that we need to strip all wealth from people.   I do see a dismal future ahead though, which will cause drastic change.

I do not wish to be there as some kind of madman.   I will NOT sow chaos for the sake of chaos, or money.  I want HONEST MONEY, which is maybe an oxymoron, but I wanted to earn it on my own, not have it be given to me, stolen yet, or bloody.


Now all these years later I know I would have reacted differently had they not scrambled my brains.  If you are Harley Quinn, and expect me to be your Joker, I am sorry.  That is not who I am.

I have a brain that feels like it no longer works.  I do not have enough intelligence to compute what is happening to this day.  I do know if I am once again standing at my back door staring out, doing nothing because I have no idea of what is happening....   or if I am full bore involved.  I see some signs of effect but the days of having cia help are probably over, unless some of them are on our side, sure hope so. We can never afford to assume an entire organization could be without sympathizers for justice, or a livable future, etc...  maybe I am wrong?  I doubt it.  People are people.  But then the things I hear they do to each other?


I will never stop rocking this boat, until it tips fucking over, and everyone is sinking of swimming, not living on the luxury decks or below.  Fucking metaphors.  Suck at them.

I would like to see changes but I seriously mean this, no violence will help in these matters, merely countering them must be done in the same realm, that of words, where they are fighting.

Phoenix has now been put in a Christ movie, then the Joker, who the right continues to want me associated with.  I may have been like the Joker in a way, and I certainly could have appeared as him to those watching me from places unknown to me, so many of you... underground, believing the end was here.  I did not know what to think of the mind blowing circumstances either.   I kept expecting someone to come to me, never suspecting I was living a life of lawlessness.  I thought I followed the law in all rational ways.  Regardless of my illusion, I was thinking of how they have used this actor, knowing surely..

When I was on their side or he was force to, he did the I AM STILL HERE...  Then later, he did the I WAS NEVER HERE.  Something, but the career choices are of course way too much to be coincidence, especially in light of this latest development, where the enemy is so intent on fighting my simple message they make the number one film in the world about me.  should I be FLattered.  the guy on big bang who said to me he would love a show about him, and I should be grateful.. like my life was a show?  Like I should be grateful for what I saw and felt as torture?  A possible enemy in my living room every day.   Seeing my words used by others, not quite knowing why always, etc.

Now I feel that this fame I HAVE  NOT EXPERIENCED must be on going, and one who speaks seems to have confirmed as much.  I will not lie and say that I like this idea at all, but I will do what is necessary.   That is it.  Do I wish to be involved?  Of course.

I was thinking earlier, I fight in memory of those who fought and died in this fight, I will not abandon our efforts to make this a better world...  too much went awry.  Violence became a form of communication, threats, or dishonors.   Your ways are hard, as I knew it would take to fight a revolution, but I never imagined what happened.


I want no part of such circumstances again.   I am who I am, and I cannot but still feel I am Christ.   I find this is my answer when I ask myself the question.   What this means I do not even care anymore, if it is real does not enter into my calculations in this world.  I do not expect to do miracles or be in control of my life?   ANGEL HAS FALLEN, AFTER WHITE HOUSE...  the fallen movies.  Maybe they did happen, the men of english letters, and finally I learn …..  ARE WE JUST A SHOW TO YOUR????  SAM asked, a character with a name many took for awhile, in the game of names, my middle name being scot, as if they claim me.

tRump's THREATS OF VIOLENCE...

I see you.  I see that our names are intertwined in the knowledgeable, as hellions.  Bikers and cops and so many others;   all demonized.  Some deservingly so, from what I hear.  I cannot imagine many of you believed in God.  Not after what you have done.

The duality of my existence is complex.  Yes, we must have funding, but if those who gather this money are simply going to use the money for high living... or whatever.  I meant Give the money to charities when I said it.  I learned who was behind some of this when the party poker thing happened.  I would not have worked with you on such things, this was not the point.  Or maybe I would have if we had a clear objective, a government ready to step in, groups ready to swear fealty, with their own demands met, to benefit as many as possible.  To spread around power enough that we can in these rich United States, give everyone a chance.  Not longer the land of the few.

I see the Joker criticism and need to be reminded of this as much as possible.  I cannot thank my critics enough.  If the people who I am working with are doing atrocities, or stealing without reason other than personal gain, I cannot function within your organization without utter ignorance.  This happened before.  I ended up having responsibility is senseless pain and death -- or seemingly so;   I know this blood will appear senseless for a time, though always we will be the first blow against this fucked up system.  The way this fell apart must be the guide map of NOT TO RUN A REVOLUTION.   You certainly do not come to a leader who has no clue what you are up to and ask them life or death decisions with no evidence for one argument or another given.  My taunting of the English crown.  I see it, and now if I could trust my soldiers, I would take that God and fund anti-imperial and left wing revolutionary action -- not violence, because PEACE has to be tried now that they know we will fight, and there will be hell for some, we can sit down with even our weakened power at their table.   Unless it is too late... even then, negoitiate as you figh, always...   We are stronger than you know.  Stronger than I will say in science, and on the mystic level, should you go there, I am the Lightening, in ways I will not explore unless in battle.

The warrior holds tight on the weakening chains of the monster.

I know that I must seek the mentality that all of this is real, whether I want it or not.  I am being watched by millions, right now.  This I have been told, and it has been proven to me others see.  I have no privacy, stuck in this one room.   Would you have cameras in other rooms?  You cannot intimidate me with anything less than actual violence, and even then.... I would probably be too enraged and busy killing you than intimidated.   That is a rare thing for me to feel.   I should have been more, but...

Back to tRump.

Psy war, I put on a tv music thing and DIRTY JOHN, with the rose they used from my book.

Regardless, I am not the Joker, and you do yourself a disservice in expecting such behavior, unless you have ill-begotten, and ill-conceived plans to try to meddle with my mind again, make me more different than that 'normal' you appeal to than ever.

I can see where you get it, I should have watched you closer, tried like I am doing now to never delude myself;  to stop boxing this away from my conscious and find a way to live this full time, like so many of you.  Living in this isolation from action I missed how hard you worked, while I marveled at your ingenuity at times;   later I realize I had unleashed hell upon innocent people, or was a puppet mostly.  Now I see Len on wxrt calling me a dead rat.  He may understand much I do not but I am not more a rat than...  I wanted this ended, and I wanted it recorded because the dead are not going silent to their death, their songs unsung, as long as I am alive.

I owe a blood debt.  They died in my name.   I had no clue what you were going thru, being told you had to watch me, study what I said.   I would never have wanted any of this for any of you.  What I wanted was unclear even to me, who expected God to create this wonderful scenario, the wedding in Amsterdam, and peace over the world.  Could I have done that once?   If so, all you had to do was tell me.

From such  a position I....  BUT I did not take the Catholic bible, the offer to go to Africa -- so absurd now how I wished later I had taken this up, and how now my life has taken the direction that I have to be offensive and defensive, on the issue of race.

I thought this such a non issue, always tried to be sensitive, but I took no shit from people at times.  I got mad at this homophobic napoleon complex narcissistic so called actor who made fun of the mentally handicapped people he worked with... calling me a liar, when I was mistaken.  Sure he was right when he was wrong.   I stared at him that day because I DID NOT have my glasses on and did not realize it was him until he walked up on me, and seeing he was a head shorter realized how really easy it would be to kick his ass.  Not that I would.  Words...  I cannot be goaded into a fight, learned that cab driving...   I was never even that way in a neighborhood full of kids who were, and we did fight a lot.

I do not know how to explain who I was, who I became, and who I am now.    I was a man who sought the scientific truth and ignored social conventions, thinking they were ridiculous, in my intellectual, artistic cosmology of the world, though I followed most of them, because other than in my imagination, I thought I was not much of anyone.  I did think my ship might come in, but ships themselves now make me want to puke.   What terrified you so that you went out on ships and would not come to shore?  Why was this allowed?  How did things fracture so?

I suppose dividing and conquering the movement that built up became a priority of the intelligence community, when they saw I was not going along.   I see why I became an unholy icon to you.  All of you.  I apologize for being offensive, slanderous, causing terror with word I thought I was tossing at an untouchable, rich opponent from my apartment, where roaches filled the shower curtain EVERY DAY....  woke to her screaming and cursing as she pushed the away.  Terrible shit. Stewart says, I am rich and even I have roaches....   no, my friend, we are talking on the same level.    I did not want to be an example of slovenly living and drug abuse.  These are demons of mine on a level, and private on another.  You must remember I looked at the cameras as invasion, not my friend.  When someone asked me to turn up the back lights, I was so pissed... LIKE, I AM GOING TO HELP YOU DO THIS????

Is it merely having the cable?  Does this connect me into the mental and physical wars.  WHY IS HE BACK...  I was said about, when I got cable after a long absence.  I had gone made from your words.  Now I had cable again.   I did not think that meant I had started some 24/7 show of my apartment.   I thought my words got around, not my image like that... Christ, I picture that green house coat, and how I had NO CONTROL of my rage at the idea that this was just a webcam to people, that they watched all the time... why then...  seeing myself, from the perspective, dressing in front of the dresser, and then the live feed.

I wish I had the grace to respond to that as I should have, with kindness and gratitude;  I should have studied the situation more, and explained that cursing had to come natural to mean a person had a higher intelligence, and I realize there are social boundaries for when this is acceptable, especially for children.   Instead these thoughts were lost in the shame and the rage at another blow to my at that point humiliated self.   Worse, my actions had caused death.  I see why the joker moniker applies to these behaviors, where I asked for nothing and caused only chaos.

I am going to try my best not to allow this to happen anymore.  I get angry, created a self who would react, to write I thought, but in the end for psy war.   I however feel that there are many whom you wish to demonize along with my name, movements, socialism.  This is not fair to them.  I barely had a political direction, was certainly inconsistent.  I am even now not holding out for total socialism, because I do not want to direct people into machine gun fire again.     I do not want to be a blind leader, relying on the Grace of God.  The machine built around me did great evil, and while the people within that system, the individuals, were mere cogs...  to redeem ourselves we must continue the mission to get power to everyone.

The ship.  Sure  If I live and things fall apart, I would rather we were in some paradise underground, watching the events on satellites.  I cannot stand aside though and let the chaos consume so many when the Lord and people have granted me some kind of power.  They would spend such time fighting some unknown person, who is not a considered a threat.

I do not wish to be a threat.  I wish to find the win win win win which was always within reach, though never even considered.   We have this adjusted now to what I know and agree to leave tens, not hundreds, of millions to people in order to avoid war.  If this is not good enough then you must decide whether or not to make their win pyrrhic or not?

I have not hid much... if you think I am a rat it is because you were doing shit I do not know about so don't concern yourselves too much.  Just try to keep me out it in the future.  Is that possible?  Will I ever be free to see the people who wish to talk to me?   I want personal relationships even if it means the ire is also there, though they are not necessarily the folks I want to speak with.  Amy is one.  I remember so well the night janitor and your announcement he had sent dick pic's and should not be there.  I was so appalled that was out there...

Then I heard the results and my humiliation just turned to horror, what happened to me again rendered into nothingness by what followed.


  People across the USA have many different mental geographies, from poor folks who are staunch republicans against all their own interests, to intellectuals in the liberal cities attempting to use taxes to the benefit of all, not the already rich, as is done in red states.  The reasons republicans in such areas come up with for voting are more or less staying with the home team, not really thought out.. or researched.  They BELIEVE INSTEAD OF KNOW, as Nietzsche said.  Big difference.  I believe a lot of things, but if someone tells me something proving me wrong, I would rather KNOW.

There is now a scientific explanation for people who cannot change their opinions, they can show they do not have the synaptic pathways most do in their minds, to accept and digest new information.  We all have met the stupid and stubborn.  It is amazing that someone who would actually need so much intellectual help, would stubbornly hold onto their ideas.   I attended University long enough to teach on that level, though I never followed up on offers to teach because I was too busy writing, then I became persona non grata.  I do not mind.

WHEN I SAID GIV AND GIVE I meant to other people, in many ways, not just money.
I did not know of a fund except in the abstract.  I was being told these things over a fictional medium and the seldom seemed to cross with my life, except in cryptic ways.  I was torn between revolution and the Christ awakening, thinking they would be one.

I wanted to come in here and say there are still fights to fight.  All sides should preserve themselves, send out distress signals into the stars and pray God or science saves a few humans.  I am not sure how involved in such matters I wish to be, unless I am a part of a group that wishes this, and then I will help, because they have that right.   I am more of a martyr, easy to say at my age.  The young are the ones we have to think about.  What will a life be life for children being born NOW, and how can we make sure the world is not a living hell for all but a minute, heavily armed, elite and their well fed sycophant's and pets?  Maybe stopping them is not the purpose.  Maybe he purpose is to make sure we still have enough supplies on the surface to save as many as possible.  I used to imagine glassed in cities, away from nature, though huge, larger than Chicago, with all kinds of different cultures, etc.. living in peace in decent apartments, the glass surrounding them giving them all the energy they need.   Outside the woods have grown back, the trees cleaning as much of the oxygen as they can, while some man made device takes carbon out of the air,, as well... and balances the atmosphere, allows the reintroduction of species long extinct with cloning from a single cell.

A real future.  This is not something that can be achieved thru war.... war is the enemy to a lot of progress.  Too much money wasted.  WASTED.  Because politicians cannot come to terms with ruling their people for all, not a few millionaires like themselves.

the plan needs plan within plan within plan; semi-colon, after semi-com, drawing sharper...

I came out screaming like a baby
used someone else's joke about a protest and became diaper man
jack the babe in the woods
I was too long
then jack grew feral and fed the beast
that killed to live

the drastic puritan dream came out kill and kill and kill
until we need kill no more
words used as the speech writer for a campaign
I never saw
a poet for a war I never saw bleed

the tv worked harder than hell to help
and tell and I could not believe what was happening
sure as hell never thought violence was done in my name
when I found out it was too late to stop, I tried

I wanted no more blood
too real for the writer
I wanted all the blood
too real for the writer

what goes through the minds of those who reads my words
was once far from my mind when I wrote them
their messages mine to see or so didactic the club bloody from use

now I have to understand I have no clue
how you see me
you
you
you
each one differently though in words
you might agree on some definition
to make a livable pattern where there is one

humyns are imbued with the belief they will live
most
in general
no matter what
if they try hard

when this is taken from them I fear for us
the weak most of all
among them myself physically
who has oh so far I could fall from here
not a lofty peak to some
but high enough and more for me

ONLY LOVE SHOULD HARM YOU

A Soldiers should love few people and STRIVE to allow only them to emotionally harm you.

Trump is trying to incite a civil war, using not those people you see at his rallies...  he will use trained underground groups who are experts at body removal, and have been lawless so long their ruthlessness is unbounded by any moral qualms.  I ended up working with this group, until I knew better, when I was in a state of complete ignorance, and being used as a puppet, a pretend person who the CIA could film and then say I was giving secret orders from something I did, or drew.... even something as stupid as my putting out a toy, a lobster --  under our little fake Christmas tree,  with other beanie babies, which M. collected, along with other toys --  inspired ruthless torture with tanning booths.

  I only found out when my Jewish pharmacist was attacked. I do not know how the hell they got that from anything I said or they filmed... and I was pissed as hell about it... and told the spies bugging me as much.  They bring up Nazi's who are our friends when I say protect the Jews, but I never back down, same later with the blacks.   I did not know I had no control of any of what they were doing.  Though one day someone broke into my apartment and set a flyer on my desk, saying Nazi's had control...  bush being one of them.  And later, when I discovered there really is this huge network of Nazi's that no one could imagine, who are in the white house being fetted at times...   huge, growing.  The tRump is the tip of an underground fourth reich of sorts.  I do not care what a person wishes to think.  That is their business.  I care how they act.  I believed my revolutionary mission required that I work with anyone who could bring order, and socialism, to this country.  But I was way out of my league, really...  I knew nothing or it would not have happened.  This is my defense, and all my actions prove this.  I AM HATED for the sins of others, and my own brutal actions at times.   I saved London and New York from being bombed.  To kill civilians like that over Gold...  over my disliking a monarchy and making fun of them, after they were all offended before, when they all thought we were making up.

I had no clue there was a war needed with them, let alone that in our own country I could give orders that would actually be taken, so many seemed ignored.  I got occasional reports of people mimicking my words, a mother saying her son lived to help the future...  after I wrote a lot about saving the future.   Many other things.  Always there was Supernatural.  They showed me much and I own them much and NO I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE JUST A SHOW...  though there is that part of me that wants you to be, of course.  I do not know at this point if you hate me or love me.  You told me so much that if I had realized you were not taking my word and dramatizing them.  Or what happened to me and dramatized it...  until I learned better.  Until you shouted to me you were not the enemy, when I did not know who was who and I took your word.

I cannot see the world out there...   you are on the other side off the glass, I am in a zoo.  Where I have been kept, as all around me hell broke loose, except in the city of Children.  That first summer you wanted me to walk around and be this liberal Christ or something.   I am not sure how many sides there were to that.  People who believed I was the Christ, an Angel, an Alien, or a Hybrid, or many things....  or the people who duped them into believing such things, and the people who did not care what I am, I was causing problems because so many believe I am the son of God, and that I gave these crazy ass orders... when no, I would not do that.   I would not have made the decisions I did if I had known more in the context of war so I have to trust God had some plan that I was not told about, because I would not go along as soon as I heard of the evil around me.   I AM not a criminal, though I am sympathetic to all criminals...  I am not many things you think, I resent the most the pedophile stuff you accused me of... very low, after what I had been thru in my life.

But you wanted to hurt me any way you could.  Now you can't.  I watch or change the chanel depending on my mood.  The drawing of the armless Jesus, befuddled, a pirate, on a river of blood with heads floating at his feet.  A simple drawing on lined paper.  There is so much in there.  The first time I was thinking anything Bush did would be against me, so I stopped the CIA from being punished for chopping the arms off people who helped in a revolt attempt.  Saved the jobs of 25 people out of pure stupidity.  Without knowing why.  Did not sue, without knowing why...  when this seemed offered.  I was thinking like Jesus, not who I am... or who I am with bouts of a mania, which was unconstrained by reality.  I read through it now and think I gave myself more power than I should have.  Though who is to say?   I seemed to have drastic effects on the weather, and  I do not know if that was staged or not.  Weather control like that is easy.   Other times,  once I walked in the park and fire crackers, huge booms, went off as I walked out on the dock, saluted the sky in four directions.   Some people watching me started clapping and I looked at them puzzled, wondering how they could ever understand what I was doing.

They thought I was a show or Christ and when I barely went along, and gave insane orders, everything was tossed into disarray, especially when I said REVOLT.  It started.  A bloody start of martyrs dying deluded and hopefully ecstatic.  Heaven bound I know.  I feel their spirits as I write, pushing against me, a feeling of cheer about them, pulling me up a bit from the deep depressions of writing about this...   in my heart of heart, the Christ is the reality.   I will always act in ways I would think He would, if given the choice.  Being less reactive, more like myself now, but still...  if you ask me who I am I will tell you Jesus Christ, the son of God...  this is how I am known in this time.  I tried to explain to you the concept of the God of Many Masks, to show a certain universal beliefs, genetic even, we should all agree on and enforce by any means necessary.

They say at first I tricked people into thinking I had this huge army when I did not... well, I seem to have had that army and lost them.  I got rid of a lot of the communists, though they were given trillions of dollars, but not nearly all...  I did not know anything, and thought they were trying to take over the country.  I was so naïve.   I ended up doing the right a favor and ending up branded on the side of racists, and killers and thieves, all because they kept everything from me.  I see tRump claims these armies work for him now, and one woman responded to my very first slam of trump, LEAVE TRUMP ALONE, WE'VE ALREADY HEARD YOUR SONG AND DANCE.  This was interesting because I took it as spies at the time, but I think now I see that some of the same people who followed me, are following tRump.

This is very disturbing on a lot of levels.  One, it tells me that my influence was created by them, nothing I did.  They used my often immoral sounding words to get you ready perhaps for tRump, I do not know?  I hate so the thought of being watched.  I have been told twice that I am being watched, well, three times, including tonight.....

I cannot preach to you with the crazed passion I once did.  This fire has burned too bright, taken down too many buildings, people.. God, how anyone could think Jesus would want what you did...  I wanted a revolution, and you were awaiting orders I did not know enough to give.   If I could turn back time but fuck no...gotta go forward and looking back all the time will kill me.  There is no dealing with my past, there is only trying not to think about it.

When I saw the brief message that I would be used on jobs that I could not mess up and get someone killed by accident.  I have no illusions about my ignorance, or my use.  I hope to be useful, and evidently the enemies I have accrued believe I AM something to someone, or they would leave me alone.  I cannot imagine they just do this out of spite.  I get occasionally communications that come and go saying I am more popular than I know.  I also suspect Hollywood lies a lot.  I had no intention of harming Hollywood, let alone giving it over to scientology.   I should have explained myself better but I did not think it mattered one bit.

I would go into those trances and say things that I should have cleared up....like Kafka, which in one day, or however many it took to clear that up...  I never even entertained the idea people would think I thought his awakening to being looked at as different, would be taken as all Jews are roaches, and bad...  too much did not enter my mind, because this is not how I think, and I forget there are others out there, haters.  I never meet them.   Finding out the Jews hated me was a shock, and I was not sure why...  I saw something about Jews and bowling alleys and had no clue what was happening, why they should have to hide, what I could do about it.  Nothing I would want or ordered.  I would not go along.  I proved as much when finally you began to tell me the truth.   Ignorant, my natural allies were made to hate me.

The race war is of course the worst example of the divide and conquer.  I write this long letter to Jackson about working together, etcetera.   Hoping he will fight at my side...  or get out of the way, was what I meant...  a phrase that I liked and used for a few days, blown all out of proportion without consulting me....  lord, the last thing on earth a man being held hostage by the blacks would want would be a race war.  I would not expect to survive such a thing, for starters...  for starters.   I would have ended up just as I did, I suppose.   I saw a bit of the tactics used but I thought this was in a good war, not...

Regardless, I would have been a willing hostage to stop a war.  Anyone of conscious would.  And I would never start a war that was not for independence, and all people.  I would never be a judge, especially using religion, in the political realm.

I DO NOT WANT to tell people what to think.  I do not mind giving people something to think about but I am as fallible as the next guy and sometimes plain out misinformed.  I do not write gospel.  Usually....lol.   And when I feel I am, I hope it is obvious... but that does not happen so much anymore and of that I am glad.


I long  to be with people who believe as I do... who can teach me the ways of this time...  and I dread this much worse than death.   Still, I could be more effective as a reaper, which I will always be for some.   I wish to be more a catcher in the rye figure at this point.  I believe my mission is to help people with the worst problems, from places that change can actually take place.  The USA is that place.  Long ago I wrote he put me in the most powerful armed forces in the world for a reason.  Once I thought it was to fight, now I realize to dismantle.  To send the soldiers home, and dry up this wasteful use of tax dollars flowing to the one percent.























































 I not five minutes ago getting a message from a friend in that world saying I better watch what I am writing.  Sometimes I write something pushing the boundaries of what I am allowed to say, the text disappears.  I know they watch my words as they come out, as they should, because my words have inspired death before, at first unwittingly, and later in war.  

I wrote a very character, a Christ who would purge this earth to keep children safe from predators, to preserve the very future itself... to stop slavery, womyn from being second class citizens...  and everyone else.  Justice.  The USA lacks this entirely.  I worked with the police and my heart always goes out to them, my sympathy, and my thanks.   Above all, I know there are many there whose hearts are true, though they are battle weary, and defensive.  Etcetera.  They are UNION and this to me means there is a chance for equity.  Right now their Union backs everyone and I do not think this is right.  YOU NEED TO POLICE YOUR OWN, BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL....  HEY COPS..