ENDINGS

everything is ending

the weight of mourning grows over the years

death after death of pets and friends and family

accumulating into a past of painful reminders of who was

does me no good to believe in immortality

when I miss my cats and dogs so much I want to scream

when the brother I lost will never again answer his phone

with a stupid joke

or go on about cars

wouldn't annoy me now

No point in repeating death hurts

all day long

like an adolescence looking for enough depth

to write a song

no point in looking at car wrecks

maybe a recent death sends you seeking comfort

in a poem?

a pithy reminder that life goes on?

well, it does, and it will...

hurt and thrill and bore

until there are those days you feel can take no more

SO is the verdict in among the oligarchy, that the threat is so real... you have to toss the Joker at me?

    I still have the sense of the every day guy sitting me beside me, going HEY THAT sounds nuts when I write, like such people matter in this context.   I wish to speak directly to my critics, friends and foes....  should I have either?  Your stupid psycho-pop interpretations of me always take out of the equation that for years, I felt cornered, with a broken bottle in my hand surrounded by armies.  People who could control the media, for God's Sake, suddenly invading my life.  I kept thinking it had ended and then it would begin again.

Now I no longer take this personally, I just cannot.  The effort everyone has gone to on all sides is too magnificent to center on me, obviously, there are other matters to consider.  Before, I thought I was the only one being harmed by all of this.   I was the victim.  When I was the victimizer.  I do not want anyone to use my image or name in such way again.  I do not wish to harm anyone because of some belief I have or otherwise.  The only time violence should be used is in war, and defense.  Right now we are at war.   I do not wish to be sided with people who do not share my ultimate goals;   their beliefs are their own to have, all I want is equality, for all... as much as humanly possible.  A democratic planet would vote that all money presently being used for war, would turn to solving the worlds problems.

Sounds like something a God Emperor would order.  From a throne of fresh corpses.  Not me.  I did not know of your world when you first brought me into this,  Now I do.  I was introduced to a responsility I did not want though one I was humbled and honored to have.  This does not mean I am a madman or anyone has anything to fear from me, a guy who wants to live, despite whatever the hell happens to me.

I said OUR FRIENDS Wear BLACK.   I do not know what much to make of this.  I do believe womyn deserve equality by any means necessary, and others reparation's, etc.  We are a very rich country spending our money badly.  We need to take about everything from the billionaires, set some kind of one hundred million dollar limit on world wide wealth -- I mean, if that is not enough money to live on, then off with your fucking head, and we'll make the offer to your kids, or whoever.   I do not think that we need to strip all wealth from people.   I do see a dismal future ahead though, which will cause drastic change.

I do not wish to be there as some kind of madman.   I will NOT sow chaos for the sake of chaos, or money.  I want HONEST MONEY, which is maybe an oxymoron, but I wanted to earn it on my own, not have it be given to me, stolen yet, or bloody.


Now all these years later I know I would have reacted differently had they not scrambled my brains.  If you are Harley Quinn, and expect me to be your Joker, I am sorry.  That is not who I am.

I have a brain that feels like it no longer works.  I do not have enough intelligence to compute what is happening to this day.  I do know if I am once again standing at my back door staring out, doing nothing because I have no idea of what is happening....   or if I am full bore involved.  I see some signs of effect but the days of having cia help are probably over, unless some of them are on our side, sure hope so. We can never afford to assume an entire organization could be without sympathizers for justice, or a livable future, etc...  maybe I am wrong?  I doubt it.  People are people.  But then the things I hear they do to each other?


I will never stop rocking this boat, until it tips fucking over, and everyone is sinking of swimming, not living on the luxury decks or below.  Fucking metaphors.  Suck at them.

I would like to see changes but I seriously mean this, no violence will help in these matters, merely countering them must be done in the same realm, that of words, where they are fighting.

Phoenix has now been put in a Christ movie, then the Joker, who the right continues to want me associated with.  I may have been like the Joker in a way, and I certainly could have appeared as him to those watching me from places unknown to me, so many of you... underground, believing the end was here.  I did not know what to think of the mind blowing circumstances either.   I kept expecting someone to come to me, never suspecting I was living a life of lawlessness.  I thought I followed the law in all rational ways.  Regardless of my illusion, I was thinking of how they have used this actor, knowing surely..

When I was on their side or he was force to, he did the I AM STILL HERE...  Then later, he did the I WAS NEVER HERE.  Something, but the career choices are of course way too much to be coincidence, especially in light of this latest development, where the enemy is so intent on fighting my simple message they make the number one film in the world about me.  should I be FLattered.  the guy on big bang who said to me he would love a show about him, and I should be grateful.. like my life was a show?  Like I should be grateful for what I saw and felt as torture?  A possible enemy in my living room every day.   Seeing my words used by others, not quite knowing why always, etc.

Now I feel that this fame I HAVE  NOT EXPERIENCED must be on going, and one who speaks seems to have confirmed as much.  I will not lie and say that I like this idea at all, but I will do what is necessary.   That is it.  Do I wish to be involved?  Of course.

I was thinking earlier, I fight in memory of those who fought and died in this fight, I will not abandon our efforts to make this a better world...  too much went awry.  Violence became a form of communication, threats, or dishonors.   Your ways are hard, as I knew it would take to fight a revolution, but I never imagined what happened.


I want no part of such circumstances again.   I am who I am, and I cannot but still feel I am Christ.   I find this is my answer when I ask myself the question.   What this means I do not even care anymore, if it is real does not enter into my calculations in this world.  I do not expect to do miracles or be in control of my life?   ANGEL HAS FALLEN, AFTER WHITE HOUSE...  the fallen movies.  Maybe they did happen, the men of english letters, and finally I learn …..  ARE WE JUST A SHOW TO YOUR????  SAM asked, a character with a name many took for awhile, in the game of names, my middle name being scot, as if they claim me.

tRump's THREATS OF VIOLENCE...

I see you.  I see that our names are intertwined in the knowledgeable, as hellions.  Bikers and cops and so many others;   all demonized.  Some deservingly so, from what I hear.  I cannot imagine many of you believed in God.  Not after what you have done.

The duality of my existence is complex.  Yes, we must have funding, but if those who gather this money are simply going to use the money for high living... or whatever.  I meant Give the money to charities when I said it.  I learned who was behind some of this when the party poker thing happened.  I would not have worked with you on such things, this was not the point.  Or maybe I would have if we had a clear objective, a government ready to step in, groups ready to swear fealty, with their own demands met, to benefit as many as possible.  To spread around power enough that we can in these rich United States, give everyone a chance.  Not longer the land of the few.

I see the Joker criticism and need to be reminded of this as much as possible.  I cannot thank my critics enough.  If the people who I am working with are doing atrocities, or stealing without reason other than personal gain, I cannot function within your organization without utter ignorance.  This happened before.  I ended up having responsibility is senseless pain and death -- or seemingly so;   I know this blood will appear senseless for a time, though always we will be the first blow against this fucked up system.  The way this fell apart must be the guide map of NOT TO RUN A REVOLUTION.   You certainly do not come to a leader who has no clue what you are up to and ask them life or death decisions with no evidence for one argument or another given.  My taunting of the English crown.  I see it, and now if I could trust my soldiers, I would take that God and fund anti-imperial and left wing revolutionary action -- not violence, because PEACE has to be tried now that they know we will fight, and there will be hell for some, we can sit down with even our weakened power at their table.   Unless it is too late... even then, negoitiate as you figh, always...   We are stronger than you know.  Stronger than I will say in science, and on the mystic level, should you go there, I am the Lightening, in ways I will not explore unless in battle.

The warrior holds tight on the weakening chains of the monster.

I know that I must seek the mentality that all of this is real, whether I want it or not.  I am being watched by millions, right now.  This I have been told, and it has been proven to me others see.  I have no privacy, stuck in this one room.   Would you have cameras in other rooms?  You cannot intimidate me with anything less than actual violence, and even then.... I would probably be too enraged and busy killing you than intimidated.   That is a rare thing for me to feel.   I should have been more, but...

Back to tRump.

Psy war, I put on a tv music thing and DIRTY JOHN, with the rose they used from my book.

Regardless, I am not the Joker, and you do yourself a disservice in expecting such behavior, unless you have ill-begotten, and ill-conceived plans to try to meddle with my mind again, make me more different than that 'normal' you appeal to than ever.

I can see where you get it, I should have watched you closer, tried like I am doing now to never delude myself;  to stop boxing this away from my conscious and find a way to live this full time, like so many of you.  Living in this isolation from action I missed how hard you worked, while I marveled at your ingenuity at times;   later I realize I had unleashed hell upon innocent people, or was a puppet mostly.  Now I see Len on wxrt calling me a dead rat.  He may understand much I do not but I am not more a rat than...  I wanted this ended, and I wanted it recorded because the dead are not going silent to their death, their songs unsung, as long as I am alive.

I owe a blood debt.  They died in my name.   I had no clue what you were going thru, being told you had to watch me, study what I said.   I would never have wanted any of this for any of you.  What I wanted was unclear even to me, who expected God to create this wonderful scenario, the wedding in Amsterdam, and peace over the world.  Could I have done that once?   If so, all you had to do was tell me.

From such  a position I....  BUT I did not take the Catholic bible, the offer to go to Africa -- so absurd now how I wished later I had taken this up, and how now my life has taken the direction that I have to be offensive and defensive, on the issue of race.

I thought this such a non issue, always tried to be sensitive, but I took no shit from people at times.  I got mad at this homophobic napoleon complex narcissistic so called actor who made fun of the mentally handicapped people he worked with... calling me a liar, when I was mistaken.  Sure he was right when he was wrong.   I stared at him that day because I DID NOT have my glasses on and did not realize it was him until he walked up on me, and seeing he was a head shorter realized how really easy it would be to kick his ass.  Not that I would.  Words...  I cannot be goaded into a fight, learned that cab driving...   I was never even that way in a neighborhood full of kids who were, and we did fight a lot.

I do not know how to explain who I was, who I became, and who I am now.    I was a man who sought the scientific truth and ignored social conventions, thinking they were ridiculous, in my intellectual, artistic cosmology of the world, though I followed most of them, because other than in my imagination, I thought I was not much of anyone.  I did think my ship might come in, but ships themselves now make me want to puke.   What terrified you so that you went out on ships and would not come to shore?  Why was this allowed?  How did things fracture so?

I suppose dividing and conquering the movement that built up became a priority of the intelligence community, when they saw I was not going along.   I see why I became an unholy icon to you.  All of you.  I apologize for being offensive, slanderous, causing terror with word I thought I was tossing at an untouchable, rich opponent from my apartment, where roaches filled the shower curtain EVERY DAY....  woke to her screaming and cursing as she pushed the away.  Terrible shit. Stewart says, I am rich and even I have roaches....   no, my friend, we are talking on the same level.    I did not want to be an example of slovenly living and drug abuse.  These are demons of mine on a level, and private on another.  You must remember I looked at the cameras as invasion, not my friend.  When someone asked me to turn up the back lights, I was so pissed... LIKE, I AM GOING TO HELP YOU DO THIS????

Is it merely having the cable?  Does this connect me into the mental and physical wars.  WHY IS HE BACK...  I was said about, when I got cable after a long absence.  I had gone made from your words.  Now I had cable again.   I did not think that meant I had started some 24/7 show of my apartment.   I thought my words got around, not my image like that... Christ, I picture that green house coat, and how I had NO CONTROL of my rage at the idea that this was just a webcam to people, that they watched all the time... why then...  seeing myself, from the perspective, dressing in front of the dresser, and then the live feed.

I wish I had the grace to respond to that as I should have, with kindness and gratitude;  I should have studied the situation more, and explained that cursing had to come natural to mean a person had a higher intelligence, and I realize there are social boundaries for when this is acceptable, especially for children.   Instead these thoughts were lost in the shame and the rage at another blow to my at that point humiliated self.   Worse, my actions had caused death.  I see why the joker moniker applies to these behaviors, where I asked for nothing and caused only chaos.

I am going to try my best not to allow this to happen anymore.  I get angry, created a self who would react, to write I thought, but in the end for psy war.   I however feel that there are many whom you wish to demonize along with my name, movements, socialism.  This is not fair to them.  I barely had a political direction, was certainly inconsistent.  I am even now not holding out for total socialism, because I do not want to direct people into machine gun fire again.     I do not want to be a blind leader, relying on the Grace of God.  The machine built around me did great evil, and while the people within that system, the individuals, were mere cogs...  to redeem ourselves we must continue the mission to get power to everyone.

The ship.  Sure  If I live and things fall apart, I would rather we were in some paradise underground, watching the events on satellites.  I cannot stand aside though and let the chaos consume so many when the Lord and people have granted me some kind of power.  They would spend such time fighting some unknown person, who is not a considered a threat.

I do not wish to be a threat.  I wish to find the win win win win which was always within reach, though never even considered.   We have this adjusted now to what I know and agree to leave tens, not hundreds, of millions to people in order to avoid war.  If this is not good enough then you must decide whether or not to make their win pyrrhic or not?

I have not hid much... if you think I am a rat it is because you were doing shit I do not know about so don't concern yourselves too much.  Just try to keep me out it in the future.  Is that possible?  Will I ever be free to see the people who wish to talk to me?   I want personal relationships even if it means the ire is also there, though they are not necessarily the folks I want to speak with.  Amy is one.  I remember so well the night janitor and your announcement he had sent dick pic's and should not be there.  I was so appalled that was out there...

Then I heard the results and my humiliation just turned to horror, what happened to me again rendered into nothingness by what followed.


  People across the USA have many different mental geographies, from poor folks who are staunch republicans against all their own interests, to intellectuals in the liberal cities attempting to use taxes to the benefit of all, not the already rich, as is done in red states.  The reasons republicans in such areas come up with for voting are more or less staying with the home team, not really thought out.. or researched.  They BELIEVE INSTEAD OF KNOW, as Nietzsche said.  Big difference.  I believe a lot of things, but if someone tells me something proving me wrong, I would rather KNOW.

There is now a scientific explanation for people who cannot change their opinions, they can show they do not have the synaptic pathways most do in their minds, to accept and digest new information.  We all have met the stupid and stubborn.  It is amazing that someone who would actually need so much intellectual help, would stubbornly hold onto their ideas.   I attended University long enough to teach on that level, though I never followed up on offers to teach because I was too busy writing, then I became persona non grata.  I do not mind.

WHEN I SAID GIV AND GIVE I meant to other people, in many ways, not just money.
I did not know of a fund except in the abstract.  I was being told these things over a fictional medium and the seldom seemed to cross with my life, except in cryptic ways.  I was torn between revolution and the Christ awakening, thinking they would be one.

I wanted to come in here and say there are still fights to fight.  All sides should preserve themselves, send out distress signals into the stars and pray God or science saves a few humans.  I am not sure how involved in such matters I wish to be, unless I am a part of a group that wishes this, and then I will help, because they have that right.   I am more of a martyr, easy to say at my age.  The young are the ones we have to think about.  What will a life be life for children being born NOW, and how can we make sure the world is not a living hell for all but a minute, heavily armed, elite and their well fed sycophant's and pets?  Maybe stopping them is not the purpose.  Maybe he purpose is to make sure we still have enough supplies on the surface to save as many as possible.  I used to imagine glassed in cities, away from nature, though huge, larger than Chicago, with all kinds of different cultures, etc.. living in peace in decent apartments, the glass surrounding them giving them all the energy they need.   Outside the woods have grown back, the trees cleaning as much of the oxygen as they can, while some man made device takes carbon out of the air,, as well... and balances the atmosphere, allows the reintroduction of species long extinct with cloning from a single cell.

A real future.  This is not something that can be achieved thru war.... war is the enemy to a lot of progress.  Too much money wasted.  WASTED.  Because politicians cannot come to terms with ruling their people for all, not a few millionaires like themselves.

the plan needs plan within plan within plan; semi-colon, after semi-com, drawing sharper...

I came out screaming like a baby
used someone else's joke about a protest and became diaper man
jack the babe in the woods
I was too long
then jack grew feral and fed the beast
that killed to live

the drastic puritan dream came out kill and kill and kill
until we need kill no more
words used as the speech writer for a campaign
I never saw
a poet for a war I never saw bleed

the tv worked harder than hell to help
and tell and I could not believe what was happening
sure as hell never thought violence was done in my name
when I found out it was too late to stop, I tried

I wanted no more blood
too real for the writer
I wanted all the blood
too real for the writer

what goes through the minds of those who reads my words
was once far from my mind when I wrote them
their messages mine to see or so didactic the club bloody from use

now I have to understand I have no clue
how you see me
you
you
you
each one differently though in words
you might agree on some definition
to make a livable pattern where there is one

humyns are imbued with the belief they will live
most
in general
no matter what
if they try hard

when this is taken from them I fear for us
the weak most of all
among them myself physically
who has oh so far I could fall from here
not a lofty peak to some
but high enough and more for me

ONLY LOVE SHOULD HARM YOU

A Soldiers should love few people and STRIVE to allow only them to emotionally harm you.

Trump is trying to incite a civil war, using not those people you see at his rallies...  he will use trained underground groups who are experts at body removal, and have been lawless so long their ruthlessness is unbounded by any moral qualms.  I ended up working with this group, until I knew better, when I was in a state of complete ignorance, and being used as a puppet, a pretend person who the CIA could film and then say I was giving secret orders from something I did, or drew.... even something as stupid as my putting out a toy, a lobster --  under our little fake Christmas tree,  with other beanie babies, which M. collected, along with other toys --  inspired ruthless torture with tanning booths.

  I only found out when my Jewish pharmacist was attacked. I do not know how the hell they got that from anything I said or they filmed... and I was pissed as hell about it... and told the spies bugging me as much.  They bring up Nazi's who are our friends when I say protect the Jews, but I never back down, same later with the blacks.   I did not know I had no control of any of what they were doing.  Though one day someone broke into my apartment and set a flyer on my desk, saying Nazi's had control...  bush being one of them.  And later, when I discovered there really is this huge network of Nazi's that no one could imagine, who are in the white house being fetted at times...   huge, growing.  The tRump is the tip of an underground fourth reich of sorts.  I do not care what a person wishes to think.  That is their business.  I care how they act.  I believed my revolutionary mission required that I work with anyone who could bring order, and socialism, to this country.  But I was way out of my league, really...  I knew nothing or it would not have happened.  This is my defense, and all my actions prove this.  I AM HATED for the sins of others, and my own brutal actions at times.   I saved London and New York from being bombed.  To kill civilians like that over Gold...  over my disliking a monarchy and making fun of them, after they were all offended before, when they all thought we were making up.

I had no clue there was a war needed with them, let alone that in our own country I could give orders that would actually be taken, so many seemed ignored.  I got occasional reports of people mimicking my words, a mother saying her son lived to help the future...  after I wrote a lot about saving the future.   Many other things.  Always there was Supernatural.  They showed me much and I own them much and NO I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE JUST A SHOW...  though there is that part of me that wants you to be, of course.  I do not know at this point if you hate me or love me.  You told me so much that if I had realized you were not taking my word and dramatizing them.  Or what happened to me and dramatized it...  until I learned better.  Until you shouted to me you were not the enemy, when I did not know who was who and I took your word.

I cannot see the world out there...   you are on the other side off the glass, I am in a zoo.  Where I have been kept, as all around me hell broke loose, except in the city of Children.  That first summer you wanted me to walk around and be this liberal Christ or something.   I am not sure how many sides there were to that.  People who believed I was the Christ, an Angel, an Alien, or a Hybrid, or many things....  or the people who duped them into believing such things, and the people who did not care what I am, I was causing problems because so many believe I am the son of God, and that I gave these crazy ass orders... when no, I would not do that.   I would not have made the decisions I did if I had known more in the context of war so I have to trust God had some plan that I was not told about, because I would not go along as soon as I heard of the evil around me.   I AM not a criminal, though I am sympathetic to all criminals...  I am not many things you think, I resent the most the pedophile stuff you accused me of... very low, after what I had been thru in my life.

But you wanted to hurt me any way you could.  Now you can't.  I watch or change the chanel depending on my mood.  The drawing of the armless Jesus, befuddled, a pirate, on a river of blood with heads floating at his feet.  A simple drawing on lined paper.  There is so much in there.  The first time I was thinking anything Bush did would be against me, so I stopped the CIA from being punished for chopping the arms off people who helped in a revolt attempt.  Saved the jobs of 25 people out of pure stupidity.  Without knowing why.  Did not sue, without knowing why...  when this seemed offered.  I was thinking like Jesus, not who I am... or who I am with bouts of a mania, which was unconstrained by reality.  I read through it now and think I gave myself more power than I should have.  Though who is to say?   I seemed to have drastic effects on the weather, and  I do not know if that was staged or not.  Weather control like that is easy.   Other times,  once I walked in the park and fire crackers, huge booms, went off as I walked out on the dock, saluted the sky in four directions.   Some people watching me started clapping and I looked at them puzzled, wondering how they could ever understand what I was doing.

They thought I was a show or Christ and when I barely went along, and gave insane orders, everything was tossed into disarray, especially when I said REVOLT.  It started.  A bloody start of martyrs dying deluded and hopefully ecstatic.  Heaven bound I know.  I feel their spirits as I write, pushing against me, a feeling of cheer about them, pulling me up a bit from the deep depressions of writing about this...   in my heart of heart, the Christ is the reality.   I will always act in ways I would think He would, if given the choice.  Being less reactive, more like myself now, but still...  if you ask me who I am I will tell you Jesus Christ, the son of God...  this is how I am known in this time.  I tried to explain to you the concept of the God of Many Masks, to show a certain universal beliefs, genetic even, we should all agree on and enforce by any means necessary.

They say at first I tricked people into thinking I had this huge army when I did not... well, I seem to have had that army and lost them.  I got rid of a lot of the communists, though they were given trillions of dollars, but not nearly all...  I did not know anything, and thought they were trying to take over the country.  I was so naïve.   I ended up doing the right a favor and ending up branded on the side of racists, and killers and thieves, all because they kept everything from me.  I see tRump claims these armies work for him now, and one woman responded to my very first slam of trump, LEAVE TRUMP ALONE, WE'VE ALREADY HEARD YOUR SONG AND DANCE.  This was interesting because I took it as spies at the time, but I think now I see that some of the same people who followed me, are following tRump.

This is very disturbing on a lot of levels.  One, it tells me that my influence was created by them, nothing I did.  They used my often immoral sounding words to get you ready perhaps for tRump, I do not know?  I hate so the thought of being watched.  I have been told twice that I am being watched, well, three times, including tonight.....

I cannot preach to you with the crazed passion I once did.  This fire has burned too bright, taken down too many buildings, people.. God, how anyone could think Jesus would want what you did...  I wanted a revolution, and you were awaiting orders I did not know enough to give.   If I could turn back time but fuck no...gotta go forward and looking back all the time will kill me.  There is no dealing with my past, there is only trying not to think about it.

When I saw the brief message that I would be used on jobs that I could not mess up and get someone killed by accident.  I have no illusions about my ignorance, or my use.  I hope to be useful, and evidently the enemies I have accrued believe I AM something to someone, or they would leave me alone.  I cannot imagine they just do this out of spite.  I get occasionally communications that come and go saying I am more popular than I know.  I also suspect Hollywood lies a lot.  I had no intention of harming Hollywood, let alone giving it over to scientology.   I should have explained myself better but I did not think it mattered one bit.

I would go into those trances and say things that I should have cleared up....like Kafka, which in one day, or however many it took to clear that up...  I never even entertained the idea people would think I thought his awakening to being looked at as different, would be taken as all Jews are roaches, and bad...  too much did not enter my mind, because this is not how I think, and I forget there are others out there, haters.  I never meet them.   Finding out the Jews hated me was a shock, and I was not sure why...  I saw something about Jews and bowling alleys and had no clue what was happening, why they should have to hide, what I could do about it.  Nothing I would want or ordered.  I would not go along.  I proved as much when finally you began to tell me the truth.   Ignorant, my natural allies were made to hate me.

The race war is of course the worst example of the divide and conquer.  I write this long letter to Jackson about working together, etcetera.   Hoping he will fight at my side...  or get out of the way, was what I meant...  a phrase that I liked and used for a few days, blown all out of proportion without consulting me....  lord, the last thing on earth a man being held hostage by the blacks would want would be a race war.  I would not expect to survive such a thing, for starters...  for starters.   I would have ended up just as I did, I suppose.   I saw a bit of the tactics used but I thought this was in a good war, not...

Regardless, I would have been a willing hostage to stop a war.  Anyone of conscious would.  And I would never start a war that was not for independence, and all people.  I would never be a judge, especially using religion, in the political realm.

I DO NOT WANT to tell people what to think.  I do not mind giving people something to think about but I am as fallible as the next guy and sometimes plain out misinformed.  I do not write gospel.  Usually....lol.   And when I feel I am, I hope it is obvious... but that does not happen so much anymore and of that I am glad.


I long  to be with people who believe as I do... who can teach me the ways of this time...  and I dread this much worse than death.   Still, I could be more effective as a reaper, which I will always be for some.   I wish to be more a catcher in the rye figure at this point.  I believe my mission is to help people with the worst problems, from places that change can actually take place.  The USA is that place.  Long ago I wrote he put me in the most powerful armed forces in the world for a reason.  Once I thought it was to fight, now I realize to dismantle.  To send the soldiers home, and dry up this wasteful use of tax dollars flowing to the one percent.























































 I not five minutes ago getting a message from a friend in that world saying I better watch what I am writing.  Sometimes I write something pushing the boundaries of what I am allowed to say, the text disappears.  I know they watch my words as they come out, as they should, because my words have inspired death before, at first unwittingly, and later in war.  

I wrote a very character, a Christ who would purge this earth to keep children safe from predators, to preserve the very future itself... to stop slavery, womyn from being second class citizens...  and everyone else.  Justice.  The USA lacks this entirely.  I worked with the police and my heart always goes out to them, my sympathy, and my thanks.   Above all, I know there are many there whose hearts are true, though they are battle weary, and defensive.  Etcetera.  They are UNION and this to me means there is a chance for equity.  Right now their Union backs everyone and I do not think this is right.  YOU NEED TO POLICE YOUR OWN, BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL....  HEY COPS..

I am not sure what is wanted of me....

      I am not sure of my reach....  I am not sure if my caress is love or poison?  I do not know if I should reach out for the better angels in those who seem to have acted like fallen angels while watching me rage, taking me for a wanton murderer?   Seeing people who I was working with doing atrocities.

    I AM glad to be moving forward again with some direction, if the signs I am seeing are correct.  A lot of mixed marriages on television has pleased me, the gay situation of representation is much better, minorities... still, womyn, are getting the shaft on the abortion front, era, etc....  ridiculous matters that show the patriarchy does not work.  Never did.  Nothing has, I suppose, for long, we humans who have been around such a ridiculously short period of time and think we know so much.

I saw China Lake and if what I am reading is correct, and the signs I was given point there...  used to be tv was addressing me so much I would try to just watch and miss things over and over then it would hit me, they are talking to me?     I do not know your strategy with this unless it is what I discussed, not allowing them to live since they killed us.   I get that one, but I am less enthusiastic for wasted blood.  That was fighting a genocide, this is organizing for a mass human extinction.  Two entirely different matters.  Had I know I would have went out on a sub...  I truly wish that I had.

Regardless, the point here is not what I wish I had done --  God is in charge, and saved my ass from letting loose even darker powers than we had running things before.   They tried to tell me I destroyed the house of hart.   I realize it is all bullshit propaganda, stuff they would not even put out if it were true.  The easiest way to tell how powerful I am is by my enemies.   You would have moved on long ago if the threat had disappeared.  We need to be much more than a threat, we need to sit at the table with five aces and have the rest of the players too afraid to call us on cheating.

I do not want people harmed.  I do not want the gulliontines for anyone.  I want a sane approach to what is about to happen on this planet.  That was always my mission, to try to get peace.  I never thought of fighting for peace.  The fighting was for revolution.  To stop the corporations.  Now that this illusion has passed through, I am fighting to make life fair...  and if the climate change can be stopped, do it.   I would use any funds right now to aide those who have been harmed so far.  Then I would let them laugh at our proposal enough they understand how serious they are.   I thought of a cruel circle of death developing around them.  This seems wrong to me on reflection.   They should start at the center of the circle, then work out until they find someone who will negotiate.

This fund must be seen over by scientists.  Economists.  Etc.  They need to be doing what you need done in the now, but also giving us accurate predictions of what we can expect to come, and how best to sanely, humanely, and with dignity and grace deal with this as best we can, for as long as we can.   I will be around a long time more than likely.  Another fifty years will see many changes, and what I have just seen with this cult will be even more so repeated by false prophets everywhere, in all languages...  they will fall into cannibalism, they will...  you know better than I what will happen, some of you, who witnessed this break down of law and order.  You waited for a leader who was waiting for the calvary, unable to believe he could have fallen so far so fast.  Angry as all heaven at the world.  When I should have been kind and gracious.   Who knows then how long behind the scenes horrible things would have been happening.

People thinking the flood I spoke of as literal going out on boats, or just to escape some break down in society of which I was not privy to any extent, for the most part.   When anything added up to something I was against I fought.  Had I went along peacefully I would not feel I could even write these words.  My war never ended.  My war cannot end except in peace.  I see no peace on this planet.  I see no movements for peace on this planet.  Jesus could have brought peace, but instead I became war like, why????    I cannot begin to understand.

Well, I could, but I am tired...  pain, confusion, reacting to the criticisms, the mocking, people even knowing what I was doing... it was so...  nothing anyone should be put thru.   I realize this was a special case, and I have to forgive you.  I cannot go on without the thought that people must be forgiven for acts of war.  I would not want mobs out killing people who are involved in activities I do not personally care for, or criticize.  Thinking twice before they get involved with them would be enough, just as any other writer asks for.

I could not believe one of your first questions was about fixing animals.  I fixed my animals when they sprayed.  The first two I got were already.   I knew I would never let my cats out, so I gave them a chance to live with them.  I AM not everyone.  People who let their pets outside should not take the risk, period.  I DO NOT know what is best for everyone, or necessarily for cats.  This was all a joke, a joke about balls....  in the character of Johnny Pain, and I am not my characters... never was, never will be.

NO ONE I write down is me, because I am not important at all.   My actions are of grave import to some, but I myself...  I saw GOD.  If you could see what I have see, you would know what is important, and it would not be the current flesh you are in.  Still, I care about life, all life.  I want to of service to humanity if I can.  This is what I SET OUT to do.  I started this as an artist, who lied without compunction, etc...  I am not the creature they created in my mind anymore, or not completely, or I do not think so.   I may have been hypnotized over and over as they said, and did not remember it... but the one time was so jarring when they brainwashed me, that I find this hard to believe, though...  it would explain all the prophetic dreams and such.

Science can only explain so much though.  I should have allowed my seed to all who wanted it... in my anger I said no...later, unthinkingly, crazed, I said something about...   ugh, I do not want to repeat it.  anyways, my point here being...  it is good that I did not, with the end of the world coming and all, probably better everyone adopted.    I will give it away if someone makes that decision, etc... though I will wonder always if this was the right decision or not, given the coming times.

I saw supernatural showing Chuck bringing a real apocalypse.... just as I have seemed to have announced one.   I said God reveals himself though Science, as well as prophets.  Now he has.  A time to leave this planet has come.  I am angered by those who brought this on, though most of them are already dead, and it is too late now.

God have mercy on our souls... and our flesh.  and let us be the hands of God.  Not holding a gun if we do not have to.  This time we need to think about where to set up safe havens, funding, a trustworthy way of keeping commodities, not cash... etc...  hiding spots around where we can... etc.  All that is long away some day but someone has to begin to prepare.  There ain't no one else but us.













I do at this point forgive everyone I have ever fought against or for.  I did not know better.  I was not a gray person before...  my white is faded gray splashed with red blood.  A COMMUNITY.   This is surely what I want.  I will not tolerate certain behavior on the part of anyone if I can have a choice.  No racism, islamophobia, patriarchy, homophobia and all the nuances on that theme...   these are all distractions.   Economic equity will make cultural differences something to celebrate, not fear.   People are afraid, and with good reason, but we can give them all a chance.  All a decent life for a bit.  The best we can provide.   Ending war is the first step to making diplomacy and open boarders and example the way this country teaches, lying on the USO to Europe and communist countries will no longer work.

The lie of the states is so huge, the secret societies, so powerful.  I know now power presides with you folk, but you have yet to tell me YOUR plan.  I want to trust you very badly, know that the mission I set on, like a jazz song, has now went into improvisation for awhile, and can get back on course.  Should I think we are re establishing a house?   Should I think I am helping women stop being sexually harassed and treated like second class citizens, etc -- all for that.   Matriarchy?  Go for it.   A man should never be the leader of women.  This I know.  Our culture has destroyed us, porn has destroyed us, history has destroyed us...  there are echoes, evil voices from the past, that ring through us whether we want them or not.

I know women have the same impulses and are not perfect.  I do believe that you will stop war before the men will, or I hope.   That is my simple plea.  A government that stops war.  I do not even care what type it is, other than a theocracy or a monarchy or... well, yes I do care, and a benign world dictator was a good idea.   I could do it now.  WITH A HELL OF A LOT OF HELP.   I could not do such a thing as a religious figure, and use myself as an example, rather than a candidate.   Better qualified, science oriented people should be in charge in a round table, but they will need to make hard decisions, though if they are not based or race and prejudice,  they will do alright.....

People only fear this now because of the type of leadership they have.  Or a real united nations... whatever.  Power has to be restored to responsible hands.

I will be backing the democrats,  and try not to be too hard on Biden in the build up in case you sell out because he will be better than trump, and his vice president may get in and be better.  We will see.   I still believe you will lose the election without Sanders.  Gabbard I am beginning to have doubts about, all of them voted yes for the largest military budget in history.... sickening.

I believe at this point tRump is talking about using bikers and cops who worked with me.  I did not know what they were doing is all I can say.  I do not know how much power they have.  I get told about a biker movie, Nicholas cage, with a cult and think is this what people experienced?   I refused to say I had anything against biker's all along when they were questioned, because I do not.  Never had.   There is a huge difference between saying all these people can be saved than... which is what tI thought was happening for awhile.

I want to continue to be a friend even to those who have done the most hideous acts, because I forgive them and believe redemption is possible for anyone.   At this point redemption will not come from fighting for tRump.   The mob has to hate me for what I did.   I do not want that war to continue either, unless there is something I do not know.  They got their president, it seems to me...  but I am better than that man, and would never have led where he is.

I am imploring the bikers and cops to stay out of this or join in with the people attempting to save your children, and you.  tRump thinks you are pieces of shit, attack dogs.   Your lives and the future mean nothing to him.   I pray it means something to you, when you decide where you will be.


To the cats in black, I believe, and the women, Amy, I am thankful to you.   I am thankful to all of you, grateful and humbled.   That I was loved astounds me.  That I am hated, I get.   I expected that reaction due to my somewhat more radical views than the norm, and invited it once.   Now I see it and it strengthens me not by making me hate more, becoming a monster to fight monsters, just a determined soldier of God glad he is striking fear in the hearts of the wicked.

The Gotham ending asked me what my name is...  fox hated me, with good reason...  I guess.  Regardless, my name is John Scott Ridgway.   I am not the Joker and never was.   I do not really want anyone harmed from that show either, in any way.  I do not care.  They taught me that the socialist side of my work is scaring them....   but they have it very wrong if they think these last tten years have been spent doing nothing except plotting revenge.   I don't care about any of that.

I also wanted to address Supernatural.   Sam said to Chuck, our life is just a show to you?    I want to say your lives were just a show to me for a long time, I had no idea you were telling me real events.  When I DID know I was sickened.   I know your efforts were mighty and painful.   I am thankful to you.   None of your pain is just a show to me... though it was for a long time, which is why I could laugh at death or have a poker face when I should have been raging.  I do use the poker face when I need time to think or do not wish to show my emotions.    I have seen myself resurrected as different characters.   You gave me hope I was being understood.  I had great hope for Jack, a resurrected with the name I was mostly called.  I  have not lost my soul, I put a dying cat out of it's misery and it haunts me daily.  Hardly someone who does not love and care.  I hate that this happened, but I watched the one die in agony, and I could not let him scream like that in agony.