LINES ECHO IN MY HEAD

lymm breihmer or whoever at xrt once accused me of having the PERFECT ALIBI.   I am not perfect, yet I have the perfect alibi.  When you have an alibi  you are innocent.  I am not innocent, I know that now.   I know much better what others have gone through, and how they rightly saw me.  I was set up to be lucifer reigning from the throne of God.   I think.  I no longer pretend to know what I do not know.  I must still be deceptive on certain matters, because, quite frankly, I am tired of being terrified or angry or...  I am determined.  I will act as I always have, as moral as I can in the moment.  This is contextual of course.

This was during the period when the group that seemed to be with me from the beginning turned on me, and I could not even understand why?   They were asking me questions I could not possibly answer.  Trying to consult me on a Race War I had no clue was happening.   Thinking of this the other night I realized how far I used to think we were beyond such thinking.  I believed the liberal ideals that are the golden rule would win in the end, the way they seem to have throughout history.  In one way of seeing things....

I digress whenever I write in the blogs.  I want to write about John Hamm saying 'his guy was smoking and staring out the back door,' which I did a lot during this period, trying to figure out just what the fuck was going on?    I did not know what was expected of me, and I still do not.  The offers of monarchy and all this sounds fun of course, but I know the realities of such matters way too much to want to involve myself in such a form of rule.   Maybe it would work if I were king of the world, but the blood involved would make the effort joyless, pointless, causing more pain than it would ever be worth.

I never planned on such a thing ever in my life, though if it would have gotten me out of the crappy life I was living in rogers park being watched all the time, trying to find the solution  to an equation I just did not have enough data to solve.  Guessing about this shit is impossible for me.  I am not twisted enough/

I was kept as ignorant as possible of my situation.  Amazing.   The last thing in the world I want is a world where race is an issue, other than one where historic crimes are RIGHTED, not marginalized by the victors.  From the Native American's to Slaves around the world, lives and minds destroyed by predators intent on stealing whatever the law allows, or they can get away with. 

I am not excused in my mind from hating myself for actions I took.   Beyond the blood are the higher levels of my hell, where I have been humiliated into a statue of mortification.   I call this humbled, and surely this it is as well.  Were there no blood involved I would consider the pain worth what I have learned.  I mean, my own pain....  of course..  Not others.

I hear another line often echoing in my head, from early on in operation bluebeam, when they were showing me to world in attempt to one world government under their selective, rancid minds...  too long in power to care -- to consider caring a weakness.  THIS LINE IS MY SCREAMING, I AM JESUS CHRIST, EVERYTHING I DO IS SIGNIFICANT.

I did not mean that I was going to give orders, or that people should watch me, or whatever, you know?  I was always too ignorant to do much more than sit back and watch, puzzled as hell.  I wanted my side to win without knowing who they were, figuring they were  people who agreed with my politics, which were basic liberal with a streak of paranoia that was not there before I was in a world where you better be paranoid.   I was never paranoid enough.   I thought there was a world in the television and then some hell you for some reason were keeping me in.   I did not think anyone believed I was Jesus at all, really...   I thought it was a secret in a way.

I myself even found the idea too preposterous to ever have a discussion in person about this with someone else who believed the same.  Nor did I with those who thought this was an act to string along the Christians, or whatever.   I felt like and believe myself to have been what you at one time in my long history of incarnation was a man named Jesus Christ, who is not from this earth, a spirit sent by a GREAT SPIRIT.   I cannot claim to be that God in any way shape or form.   The weight of the crown weighs heavy on the head of those who have heart, who are militarily disciplined into controlling their feelings,  following orders no matter what... following orders.

I am glad I never learned to follow orders.  I distrusted the world enough to test what their laws were, detested people who tried to order me to do anything, let alone kill.  No one will ever order me to kill.

I watched JESSICA something on netflix today, and realized why I quit watching her before, this dr who actor shows up, who uses mind control.  He wears purple, causes these women and others to kill, steal, all these horrible things.   Then he keeps saying I HAVE NEVER KILLED ANYONE.   He caused people to kill themselves as well, something else that I watched praying this had nothing to do with me, showing horror to you...  people should have asked.  Had I walked free, if people had just taken me into a room and consulted with me once, but no.... had to play fucking spy games which I outright refused to fuck with, since I did not believe a word you said half the time.

I stopped criticizing anything for a long time after this...  afraid my words would be taken too seriously and of course a few were... by enough people that I was forced to really examine how I feel about such matters, and what bridges I will make with people who think different, as long as they do not act on their prejudice or whatever madness or old wounds they have.  I had to figure out how to deal with all groups.  The blue and the brown and the green.  I invited everyone to the party, the CHRIST offered salvation and a better world for all.   Instead, violence, which was planned and coming, etc..

I felt that way though...  like it was time to change the world...  fucking pain had way too much to do with how I behaved of course.  The brainwashing...

I have been on facebook for so long explaining my behavior to people...  in this blog most of you probably know more than me if your security clearance allows you to understand these events.  OR perhaps they were so huge that everyone except me is in on it, the truman show.  This would surprise me though to a degree I certainly experienced that.