THOSE WHO WEAR BLACK

A group that only wore black came to the beach one day
I looked into the eyes of a young man, pain there.  He did not respond to my pleasentry.  Many different groups came, they called the beach holy ground.  I wish I could have been there for you then, known you were waiting for leadership.   I felt alone.

I fought your watching me.  Thought, if I am not going to benefit from this life of mine, I might as well martyr myself.  There is nothing more significant than what we do.  We have to find ways to bring justice without taking no for an answer, anywhere.   I hear of the darkness that prevailed, torture of blacks -- who later taunted me back with what was done and I had no idea what they were talking about.  jhy Other matters …

I THINK I was called a rat or was actually.   By someone whom I wanted to check the blood pressure on, affiliation, who broke my heart once, and fool me once, and such...  I considerr them guilty of leaving me ill informed.   I could not calculate a  scenario without all the evidence;  I needed the proper facts to be Spock, rational.  Leaving me ignorant of California …  matters like these drive me mad.   You never would have seen me at my worst, or disgusting-est, had I known what was happening around me.

I DO NOT WISH TO BE A SILENT PARTNER IN CRIMES

I AM not here to see people who believed in a revolution or a spiritual revival
harmed in any way.  I believe we are all victims of brainwashing of one degree, like my at least three days in a hospital,  the harsh sort of changing of a personality, inserting a voice.

The circle of life/piles of burning of bodies....

I wonder now, looking at the body of my work which was taken as a plan to revolt, and later a religious text or life text more like where metaphors were taken literally, leading to hell's...  I cannot imagine your hate of me, even if you did realize, someone else had set this up.... and I was not in charge, never was, had various groups at  back who I did not even realize were there, let alone were the public told as far as I know, though of course I am still more ignorant than so many of you.   I have no idea what my audience is now.   I know about the communists.   I know little else and I am grateful for all assistance, though my cores never change.   Freedom of speech, a free press... to hunt down the vermin, write stories that make the law jump.   Ain't this stacked world, where presently, the us president is walking all over the law.

I know some of these people once believed in me.  I know of others.   I feel for all of you, and empathy awakened late, now that I have digested some small bit of what you went thru.   I needed ten years, and I did.   We did not have it...  I wanted to be convinced my life was normal other than tv seemingly following my life, while outside my door nothing much seemed to change, the bills still came in...   I hated creature I knew you saw me as when I realized I was being worshipped, because I am not like the one I became fighting against the only face where my friends or foes seemed to appear, screaming at the television.   I cannot explain those last few months, after I became a darling briefly, and bill moyers said I was finally ready to go to Washington and be a speech writer....   so much bullshit I had heard on that tv....  then I did the unthinkable.    AND THEN I learned the truth, who I worked with, their tactics, the place I had in this world.  The race war, for God's sake...

I have to be grateful toward all my critics.   I have to learn from the most hateful of them....  Makes me think of xrt, who I can only see as the people who tried to be my friend, until that became impossible, and I understand why now.   I remember one dj saying he did not want to go to prison, and I am fairly certain he did not.  Again, obliviously leading a group I thought only existed in my mind, and evidently enough in the world that a show came out with Keven Bacon, whose poor family had to live under security because of this, and I am sorry for that experience, and pray you have recovered and thrive.  I thought I was seeing lies, had no idea I was in a cat and mouse game with the FBI.


I honest to God had no idea why the FBI had any interest in me, and I had hoped actually that if my work caused death that they would come and talk to me.  But things do not work that way in the rabbit hole, and I was a hostage...   then, beginning when?    I was offered all these places to go live in the first few days....  when I was stunned to be Christ and high a hell on love and weed and pills...  I was stunned I was loved.  I am not sure why I expected hatred?    Maybe I knew that is what is always happens when a new message from God appears, and the old salt is tossed out... so once more GOD can inhabit the cathedrals, now disgraced for their rape of innocence, institutionalized.   Until these sins are brought into the light, the Catholic's will be disgraced on certain levels....  This requires exposing many long hidden, and they have power in the church.  Their firing would cause further damage to the PR they say --  the path to salvation if fraught with pain....  redemption is earned with the crack of a whip, not soft words of forgiveness.


I know this to be true, and accept what not what is my due.  I do not want anyone judging me on this planet.  You will and I will judge you and we will both be way off and not even know it.  I judge you and you judge me, both of us way off and we do not even know it.


I think sometimes I WILL JUST SHUT UP... then I remember when I tried that, and was rightly called a deserter...   told my own pain did not matter right then, I had to fight... and I did a bit, not as hard as others.  I have been sheltered.  I wonder if this is why my mental health still seems intact?

I never meant to …  is over.   Mostly I mean now, though then not always... Dylan, I have to get over caring about that... totally unfair.  I am sorry for any pain I have caused him, like his peace prize... my cackles go up as I write this, but still... I the man does not deserve to have his peace of mind messed with me over events I cannot quite conceive of yet, and without being a witness have no idea.


No who criticizes me that I get mad at deserves any retribution of any kind.  I do not ever feel the same way once the storm cloud as passed.   I do not want kill or be killed.  I would rather be ignored than be that person again.   I had no idea people were actually taking my words like you were, thru the phases of what gangster, porstar, whatever.... stardom was never part of what I had.  I was messed with and fighting forces I did not understand, and am still vague about.  I will make mistakes.  I do not write from the highest peaks, I wish my useful words used and the rest ignored.

This Joker Business.

     I am saddened of course by the events that led to this movie, than the movie, which is meaningless to me in some ways.   I am not flattered by the attention, more astounded, as always, that I am still seen as this huge threat.  Things were done in my name over which I had no control.   Every time I stood up to what was going wrong and fought for what I believed to be right, no matter the consequences to myself.   Other times I was cowardly in my thinking, I realize now.  Had I known the then I would have been able to defeat it, as I have now.  Fears I can live with -- I would much rather have them.  I have had too few on the larger scale of life.  Too many on the petty.


    I thought for awhile it mattered that my name be cleared, but the more this settles and I am able to accept and process the scope, to the degree I have, the less I wish to be troublesome, to say the least.   I led from an inspiration that I believed to be God himself, in my poetry.... in my life I was a rebelious teen offending everyone to no good purpose.   I have a message or two for this world, or a way of saying old messages anew, that appealed to some.  I will not fight for no reason though for the right reason I am all in.  I would prefer every avenue be explored first, but only within reason.

I lost my ability somehow to define myself.  I did not lose this entirely when the Jesus idea was new to me.  I lost it to the public image of me, which has nothing to do with me in the least.  And everything to do with me.   I feel now like I will use what influence I can to continue to advocate for the people to participate and change.

I am still fought and seemingly still asked to participate.  I do wish to fight this pedophilia shit they place me within.   I have never even been around children since I was a child.  I hardly fit the description of a pervert.  More a guy embarrassed to go the toilet in public sitting down, than.... and I have NEVER had sex in a bathroom with a man or a woman, or in a public park or any of these things I played around with, trying to normalize the idea of different sexualities.  I did not much care how you looked at me if this bothered you, I was trying to help the people going thru it, having problems.


I feel as if I made a statement saying I GIVE UP...  the environmental destruction is inevitable, and I do not want to go out fighting for a revolution that is going to made irrelevant in the course of events...  on the other, this might prove crucial.  I do not know what plans people have for going into space, or travel, maybe they all arer adepts of some sort, and know we are all just going to a higher plane and do not worry about it.   I worry about the pain of getting there.

I want to help you but I am always confused by what is required.   I do not have the expertise or source documents around me to make judgement on much of anything, in some respects, in others I have been studying ethics, through novels, art, philosophy, and religion my entire life.   I believe in these things but I am no ideologue about anything.  In a leadership position, I would have proved effective had I been contacted and properly introduced to the parties involved, without having been brainwashed, reduced to someone I do not know now, when I re-read his convictions.   I am not God.  I thought I might be a God or something of the sort, and I am something different, enough events have happened to convince me of this, though the ultimate creator is a being I have had a relationship most of my life....  never once did I think I could come up with all this.

I welcomed the love of this being who inspired me to do good, but that was mostly my parents, as well.   Still, whatever, the reason why people did not recognize the person they saw on the webcam was because that was not me.  I surfaced in my writing, where my various higher angels end up.   I was a sinner though I am not going to call it that.  I think of it as being stupid, needing to learn a few things.  I came into this ill prepared and always will be, my keepers do not want me to know that much I think.  I am the tiger, I am all in black.


I forgive everyone who hates me outright.  In the context, my behavior was monstrous, and my words fanned on mass murder, crime, mayhem...  and in others a revolutionary spirit, but no one seemed to know what to do with the convoluted shit I was spewing.  I could not lead a war I could not see, nor even be allowed to know much about.  I could certainly not be expected to act all I LOVE YOU WATCHING ME...  If you need guidance, if I am in a position to make peace, or lean this country to the left, help the unions, the down trodden, God's people... who to me are nothing special to anybody though miraculous to me all along.  I used to marvel at people who could buy a house.  Have those kind of lives.  I envied car mechanics, I never looked down on people because of their job.  My parents did not define themselves by their jobs, but by their societal beliefs and ethics...


I do not like being feared.  I did ask for your fear, and indeed, of course, deserve your fear.  Though in another manner you have NOTHING to fear from me.  I do not have any designs on harming anyone.  I have responsibilities to civilians and combatants on all sides to be judicious and sane about these matters.  I am a person who will not act violently with premeditation, 99.9 percent of the time.  I do not want it.   I do not want plans that require violence.  I am not God and in control of the ways things are, or what works, either?

I told you the myth I take as my metaphor for my existence.  I am a soul far from home, on a journey helping souls develop.  I am not sure why I am here?   I thought it was to provide a mercy killing for a bit, or maybe I just sensed the end was coming in a hundred years or so...  I don't know.  Did a number on me...