The memories of the mammaries

I do not still know what all your groups represent.  I was too quick to lump everyone together and then think that people would get their shit together.  I made mistake after mistake that I am glad I made and mournful of the dead at the same time.  The latter comes easier... often.  You do not give a shit about my internal thoughts.

You want to know about the plan and how to get there and all the questions you wanted to ask me before that I could not answer as ignorant as I was and still am.   I know enough that my mission is clear now, stop the genocides, and aright the distribution of wealth, return power to local regions...  ruled by a few universal laws, an Iron fist enforcing sane peace.



I should only come in here with a clear idea of what  I want to say.  I want to say I AM more grateful than I can express.  I am mourning more than I can express.  The past has chains though, and I will not allow them to hold me back, I will break through them and carry on, free again to continue my mission.... the endless mission.  Handed to me by fate or God or blind genetics or whatever...  I am aimed and the trigger has been pulled and I am in flight...  there is no turning the bullet back that I have fired toward a few foreheads.

you can do as you will, for now.   My only message for you is that though my past may be insurmountable in your eyes, in my GOD'S EYE I am redeemed.  I have done penance of my own accord because the human part of me will forever be wounded by the deaths around me.  I do not have any idea which of your sides I would join, and I cannot go along with anyone's will except that which God has given me.  I will not follow, to a degree.   I cannot afford to just leave this alone.  You have set off within me certain genetic impulses to fight to the death, and I trust them to be where my intellect and my animal converge, making a decision every bit of me is prepared to go into with everything I can muster.  Perhaps we lost the war.   Perhaps I ended up in the service of the bad guys so to speak for too long to be redeemed.  Am I supposed to let that bother me?

I guess, but I am not going to spend much time there.   I want back into the flow of intelligence, work together as much as possible.  I also want to dictate what is right for a  number of years, then shatter the throne into eight billion pieces...  that is not something you are going to give me unless I can convince many who feel betrayed to reassess their positions on certain matters, forgive what has happened in the divide and conquer race wars as much as possible, or keep your thoughts to yourself, instead of trying to impose them on the world...  there are solutions other than mass death.  There are other reasons to fight them though.  Now, while I am assuming, after that song on XRT that they made sure won some award, saying how heaven only existed between a woman's  legs, the refutation is on big time against the Christians who seemingly did all these horrible things.   I am not sure of all of it but I know enough to see the truth in the bit I have been told, and to feel horrified to the point of having to compartmentalize my mind into thousands of rooms I seldom allow myself to enter...  they come unbidden at times...  but others, I lock deep away.   I wanted the spoils of being a  God without the benefits, which all looked like an offer by satan to my recently brainwashed mind.  And still do.

This business with being on a side still worries me.  It reminds me there are sides in the first place, that there has been no breakdown in the crazed beliefs that separate us, hide our commonalities.  Wittgenstain wrote about how words often hide more than they illuminate, and can be used other ways.

Better a dethroned king than a leader of the likes of you, to be honest.  I cannot forget that you filmed me all those years against my wishes, and my written words were taken for lies.   I used lies as people use lies all the time in war, it is like having to use weapons, nothing anyone wants but required now.  Not a deity to enough of you to understand that I am the Son of MAN, as well.  That is your department, humans, to create a being of your time, from your morality, so he can shatter it with rebukes when he is called by God to fight.   I have been called many times to fight in these fleshes, and I have defeated and been defeated by your likes before, though the cloak of lies used in the present time is formidable, and to find out a bit of what was really going required losing years of my life, inviting the humiliation of critics, who finally told me the truth my allies would not allow be spoken.  I learned not enough, though I did learn that I cannot represent all of you... I saw on wgn some band of theirs come out, dressed in all the colors of the revolution, then at the end they put up in large letters, FAREWELL TO THE KING.   These were groups that at one point considered me a king, though I had no idea what that meant, and felt like the king of nothing, out in the real world my actions were having reactions all over the place.  Some terrible, and most that I would have been able to stop had I been told the truth of the situation long ago.

I heard the news from people with agendas, about the shadow war, and what happened.  I was stupid enough to accept what they said without examination.  People I owed only gratitude and redemption I fought, feeling like I was in the center of attacking enemies, not yet realizing the mixed messages came because some forces supported me, and others did not.