THE WEBCAM

I was trying to drive you off when I masturbated.  I kept threatening you with doing something really disgusting if you did not stop filming me.   I am still pissed and will die this way over the way certain groups reacted to this;   instead of listening to an easy message, my words, saying, "SOME PARTS OF LIFE ARE X RATED."   I WOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS HAD I KNOWN THE EXTENT OF THE AUDIENCE, and if you do not know this about me by now, I am pretty much done with your lying, deluded ass.   Why would someone who NEVER even spoke much about his sex life, let alone show any sign of being an exhibitionist, etc... suddenly do what I did?   I still feel sorry for the fine actor from Modern Families who did me the favor of breaking the fourth wall, though just the second I realized you were watching me in my house, which occurred when I saw you show someone, from the perspective of my tv where at least one bug was located, putting on a green housecoat like I had been wearing.   The pitifulness of my situation struck me hard.   I reacted in a deadly rage, and would have killed over this.   I heard someone in south korea was fired over this, where evidently I was a big hit due to the gay community over there being so repressed, and here  I was protecting gays at every turn, as I have my whole life, and it would be hypocritical with my past to think I should criticize someone for natural urges. 

I was trying as hard as I could to live my life as if you were not watching me, which is why I bristled so much when people told me to watch what I said and shit like that.  That is true in public, but when your house has been invaded, as mine was, and your life basically raped, I felt I should be particularly defiant.   I expected to make money off my fame, instead you gave me the persona of the joker, then some psycho with a nuclear bomb holding the city hostage, and then finally superman, who you had batman kill....  stupid.   I did not watch that movie because the others pissed me off so much I am waiting until it is free and I HAVE PLENTY OF DRUGS BETWEEN ME AND REALITY as a buffer for my rage.   I have never asked to be worshipped, etc...  never thought a throw away line in a short story, that I would edit, and was surprised was even there, would cause libraries to close.

I have a very difficult time seeing any of this from the perspective of watchers and believers.   I feel like I can relate though to those who hate me, and believe their faith was abused.  When Ben called me up and told me two guys I knew had went fishing and caught two types of fish, I believe a brown and red trout, perhaps... the added he saw a science fiction movie about people who lived underground and were so pissed when they came out that some of them had to be shot.   This was during a very suspicious period in my life, when a lot of people were down on me and trying to tie me to the slaughter of the people who had been worshipping me, who I did not even know about.  That I never had a chance to talk to these people, as I would have had I known they existed, is a tragedy that many should be hung over.   Including those two irish drunks in Rogers Park, but that would open a can of vipers that you fear, of course.  Can not have anything that happened to me surface, because I am now top secret.

You made me a hero for awhile, then a villain...   you are a hero when you are winning no matter how much death is attached to you... and a villain when you are losing.  The big war I started then refused to lead, mostly because you took me by surprise.  The last thing in the world I thought would happen was a revolution.  After the fiasco in 07, which again, I learned about way too late to do the right thing.   I am not angry I saved the president, because I never set out to harm the puppets in politics, and puppet he is because I had those strings for awhile...  though I did not know it.

I feel particularly bad toward Mexico and Puerto Rico and the other countries who stood behind me even as I acted the fool on a world wide webcam that was evidently much more of a hit than  I can still really deal with.   My life shows none of the outer trappings of the millions I was offered, or the time when states all over the country were inviting me to come live there.  They were heady times, no doubt, but I wrote to you very early on DO NOT GIVE ME POWER...  but you did.   I probably did need it, but that was not what I set out to do when the Christ was pulsing thru me, and the words of God were etched on the human mind once again directly from the source.   I still get this feeling at times, still know I AM.   It does not matter if I am the only one in the world who believes in me with exception of God, and he told me many years ago, while speaking to John the Baptist, that I am his beloved son....  I wonder about that line while I suffered on the cross.   I really expected the sky to open and angels to save me.  The circumstances were very different than the bible writes them up, which is rather easy to see if you even do the slightest bit of research of how the Romans treated the Jews.  For one, there was no holiday freeing a Jew every year...   and I was crucified for being a ZEALOT, a revolutionary who did want to pay taxes to Rome and support their unholy icons, the worst of which was the roman leader who claimed God head for himself.

The thing about me is that I do not like to announce my presence, until the exact right time.  You humans made the mistake of brainwashing, to make me more moral... me... who had lived more moral than any of you hypocrites could ever understand.   For this you had to pay and you did.  Should you look at the actions of all who took advantage of me, abused me, etc... you will see the CURSE OF GOD destroying them one brick at a time.   I told the TRIBUNE when they wrote an article saying I had no wisdom, and was merely internet savvy, I did not buy it, just looked at it in the store...  I did not need to read what my critics were saying at that point because I knew I was being misjudged and did not want to throw gasoline on the fire, so to speak.   I did get home and tell you the tribune was done.... and now a hostile take over almost got them, and another will be alone, and another perhaps, before the mighty tribune is hollowed out and turned into other, basically destroyed. 

You took me for too left and you took me for too right.  When you had a show suggesting I was Ralph from the simpsons, because of my affiliation with the police, and the republicans and democrats wanted me to run for office, and someone came on my tv with a dull gray background and said he would demand to see all the prescriptions for anyone running for office.  Fighting the chronic pain I for a brief period went to two doctors, and occasionally ran out early on the tramadol and ordered them on line.    I was taking way too many that is for sure.   I do not do anything of the sort anymore.

Now is the time you could have came to me and told me I was such and such and had a shot at leading these various groups, or just working with them, and I would be very honored and humbled, as I am by the thought of all those who put their belief in me.   I can only say I thought I could see through the forest of lies, but I could not.   I was still trapped in the MARK mentality that is bred into humans around the planet, so they never fight the power structure.

I do not know what happened to the people  I worked with...   I know some, like WXRT, who provided music that I would find strangely mirrored my life, and was this started spoke directly to me once in awhile.   I did not know what they were up to either, just knew they were on my side, our fates tied together.   THEN they turned on me, like the rest of the world, when I made sure that people could criticize me, which was the only way I learned what was going on.   I think God for the brave people in the media, etc, who came to my aide.   I am sorry that I did know enough to function properly....

I do have a great welling up of love and humility and respect and horror and responsibility when I THINK of those who died, those who tore up their roots and hit the streets...   we should have held the country when we could, though that will only happen when the blacks and whites and reds and yellows or a certain philosophy, and more importantly economic victims of the elites politics of hoarding wealth, come together.  WE will win again.   They may have purged the navy, and my vague much qualified speech about forgiveness and such....  a song them came out on XRT, from some unknown Irish band that sold their soul to write a CIA hit, slamming all religion and saying the only heaven was between a woman's legs.  They won all kinds of awards and such, in a mission to discredit me, and all religion.

I keep telling you that you must not lose your religion, no matte what you think of me.  My father is God, and he is your creator, and I have experienced him in my life more times than my memory allows me to count....  God Bless you all.   I will never allow the webcam again unless the revolution or the religious require such a thing, and then it must be done by me, and only at certain times.  When you told me and it finally sunk in that children were watching, it came to me that if I HAD kown about that I would have quit cursing while around them, and told the nice stories, not scared the holy head out of them.   That was for those who were ad pressedl