I do often wonder

 Spend my days wondering about things, not a childish wonder;  a more adult wondering where every answer brings more problems.  A problem that solved creates others, or always has more awaiting than one can ever get to.   I see things thrown at me that show the simplistic creatures involved in this debate with me, however vague the perimeters, and at least from me, loose of any party, just issue oriented.  

The time you asked me if the players treated me bad as the manager, and this was why I hated sports, which I did not... it was among three distractions from revolution that came to me as I wrote a poem.  Bread and circus is the oldest trick in the book, and this was my reference.   I have nothing against sports, enjoyed my friends on the team.  I was treated as an equal, the same as the players...  sure as hell never had the jock versus the stoner thing, though a few jocks tried it on me, once at a new school, though it did not work very well when the long haired guy got right in their face and scared them too much to even want to look my way again...  I feel like I am dealing with either very unintelligent people, or this is the comic book version of life you want to believe...

The questions about these matters always surprised me because I felt clear in my writing about what was going on, and resented when the tv intruded, for the most part, or mentioned me, even when I had to watch the shows that did, I would have preferred not.  I think that is part of why this crushing feeling of humiliation and how the masterbation had went out and then I am asked why I put my dresser in the only fucking spot in the place it fit...  by then I was so beyond caring what people on the tv thought of me... I had to learn all I could so I stood it, took it in... etc...   I made excuses for it in my mind, that it did not feel like hell all the time.   I used to love being alone for the weekend, would shut off the phone, just do art.... or get drunk...  still, loved the feeling of no other eyes creating me than my own.   I still have a bit of the in and out of the matrix on all of this, just to survive, a day to day normalcy once in awhile though usually 24/7 this is going through my mind, reaching for ways... praying for solutions.

I feel like I will do anything to avoid violence that I possibly can.   I believe this can be avoided entirely.  The time has come for all parties to come to some understandings, though they need to take the concerns of the many into consideration, or we will need a war to gather resources for the future our leaders ignore.  This is why I mentioned piracy.   Money can only go to this project, I hope.   I know other things get in the way, and I do not always know best, but donations are the best.   I should think people who wish their children to have something in thirty years, who cannot afford the ticket underground, should help.  I do not want people made broke, or extorted or any of these things....  the end does not always justify the means, because while the mountain top is the same, there are a lot of paths.  HAVEN.  Why not.  It gets across, taken from a tv show, but still... why not... though the name is hardly something I care about, just the idea of it brings life to the dream.

I am sorry I wrote about m c so meanly, whether he deserves it or not is up to actions I have only been hinted about, so I hope he is a good guy.  

the black boots just like mine, Canton Ohio, Leader unknown

 I see many things in super-gnat-rule, to coin a phrase based on the idea of free will, making all of us free of dark destiny, despite whatever limitations our particular society forces upon us to remain out of jail.... Libya was great, a Christian Monk said, then added, of course you cannot talk about politics...

Especially the Top Secret shit.

.THE SUPER GNATS RULE finale had Dean being stabbed in the back, and screwed;  he dies from being pushed into this large screw sticking out of a Barn Door.   Then the bad guys come in, they have my boots.  The other signs I will not list, because I know you prefer discretion.  I also understand the show was staying up with my life until the end, in so many ways....   I was Jack, in the beginning, and enough certainly knew.  That was when people liked me, before what I seemed to start because a horror show, and I terrified the world, primarily because I was kept ignorant of too much, and when I found out did not know how to react.   If you ask me should you do violence to people I have never met and are not hurting anyone, then no, I would never even consider such a thing.

I no way in hell thought I would ever end up in any kind of position of power, except in my dreams as I wrote of revolution, and used General X.  My poetry... when I saw echoes in the media I always kept waiting for my life to change.   That it never did added to my confusion about what was real, and what was not.  I was not used to looking everywhere for clues, or thinking a song or tv show was based on slandering me, because I would see things they were telling me that my followers were doing, which I took to be exaggerations of my words.  I found out finally when the DICK was revealed, and the dark elements I released in my first words to the world, FORGIVE EVERYONE...  I had no idea why this made everyone so happy....  did they think I came with a sword?   I did not pull out my sword until attacked, as others thought I might be.

I saw this last episode and remembered saying, OUR FRIENDS DRESS IN BLACK and seeing a lot of people do it... though I knew the idea that these vampires killed the father, cut out the mother's tongue, and took the kids...  seemed like a tactic used by Boko Harem, the type of use of children that I condemned in my book one war... though evidently to some this was taken as inspiration.   No, that book was about a Poet looking for truth, and finding a bit, and dying.   This happened to THE JOURNALIST WHO BROKE THE STORY  in real life, and I had it written when I saw him speak....  I based the poet on me, and my life, but the killing in reality makes the book prophetic.

I feel like this one show got it, this one group, or perhaps I am mistaken?   I second and third and fourth guess, because I am slow on the uptake at times, things pop up suddenly in epiphanies more than contemplation.  I want certain things to mean that my vision of God was much more me as an angel and God as JACK... this other being, not me at all.   I look at the writing from the period when Jesus was so strong in my mind I could say with conviction, I AM GOD.   You came back at me with Crowley saying I was nothing but a delusional angel.   You were right, there I was going from ego maniacal ranting, to...  

As you well know, the Angel concept in the religion built around me, got out of hand, and people who were sure as hell not acting like the warm and fluffy angels I always heard though hardly did I believe they existed, but murderers, slaughterers of the human race, seeking revenge for those who were an affront to their Gods.   I temptied heaven, by refusing to go along with any church....   I could not.   You were not based on my scripture, but on tales told by others, lies about me...   starting first and foremost that I wanted your free will.  

 I wanted a revolution, and I wanted a spiritual revival, and both took me into trance states as I wrote of them.... nothing before or since like that, really.   I wrote so much speculation, and often what is downright wrong, because I was misinformed, or not informed at all.   I remember john stewart once saying i was wasting my time on conspiracy theories, but I was seeking some mention of what was happening in the press;  the tv world, radio, both were too distant.   The strange figures I met on the beach, or elsewhere, I should have questioned them more?   I felt like....

I was Jesus returned and would bring Good things, at first.   I would bring forgiveness for all, and a message of a God who loves you more than you know, and does not send any souls to hell, though recycling through life after life a soul lives all ways, from saint to sinner.   A lesson I have no clue why we learn, or even if my speculation is correct?   I have experienced the God of love though, interceding into even small events in my life, let alone the large ones, where I sabotaged, or tried, the right army, when I finally discovered what was happening.  

I do not want those who got involved in that to think I do not think you should be forgiven for action taken while in a cult doing government work.  I could never hold any of this against you, and we must learn to forgive those who did not choose a race war, but had their FREE WILL stolen from them one way or another.   The death of friends, or the rationalizations for killing, or the hatred at the killers, drove the vicious circle within circle.   Each time you misjudged me, I worry people died.  I just watched Jack in an episode where heaven uses him to kill when he has no soul.   I guess I seemed soul less, after I was asked in by a group.  Are they the angels?  I for some reason revolted against the idea of being merely an angel from the very start.  It was weird, I was physically sick when this started.  Hard to remember, but I was pissed they kept calling me an angel in these commercials, saying the rich guys brought an ANGEL, a real life one, and had all this proof, backing of the Vatican, sort of....

You convinced me.   I did not know that I killed off my allies early on fearing a foreign invasion.  I did not mean anything against anyone specific.  I am not willing to accept any of the visions I saw for the USA that my allies seem to hold, so I just went for my own.... as vague as it is, I suppose.   I believe the individual should be encouraged, not punished.   Most.

I saw in the episode that Billie wanted to kill God and everyone I guess, and become God.   I am not sure what that meant?   I can certainly guess?  Was there someone waiting in the background, a black woman, which is used as Michael in one episode, and then Billy, that points to a reality?    I saw on the episode of american horror stories that you seem to make me a trump supporter, a woman hater, who had been promised power after admitting he was scum to women.... all this shit.   He had killers and things happened, like him offering anyone protection, people calling him the God Emperor or some shit, fat-shaming the women, these paper thing model type actresses made  a big thing of that in the drama, which is the one thing I am guilty of, and I learned.   I apologize.   I was joking in the first place, would never in a million years judge someone solely on their looks.   At all.  Except in my sexual preferences, and I could not help that much, I do not think.   Never tried.   I was raised in a sick environment.  Too much porn and shit, and expecting perfection in my weirdo head.

I digress as I write what is really a serious tomb, and I will never get answers, Chuck left to die without a dramatic ending, to grow old and die.   That is what I want, personally, but then I never felt what it was like to have the powers of a God.   I know what it feels like to feel intensely loved by this God, who tells you he is pleased with you, his son.... and he does.  I know my mysticism is meaningless. . . compared to my acts on this earth.  They mysticism that only makes the slightest sense because it is written in sentences and paragraphs that imply TRUTH has been found, in the a world of pure chaos, primarily, when one reaches the spiritual yearnings of humans.

I love the way the writer's showed a Jack at the end who wanted neither 'sacrifice or worship,' as is how I feel it should be, and to know God is everywhere, even us, and God cares about us, no matter what is happening to this earthly shell, and the answers are in heaven if you want them...  I loved that Michael created the idea of the loving God among the humans, who wanted to loved back was all.... and then they would get to heaven....   Of course it worked 'better' than he thought.   All myths about God in the bibles, that I love, too.   They were stories by writers supposedly channeling GOD.

I saw that Jack's red car in the end was the same model I used to drive, though it was rusty brown, it was a great car.  When I was them driving the fancy version in my color I guess, red, commie red, not fucking red state.   I believe in the welfare and the will of the people being the same.  Cars always meant a lot in the race, and if I have been given, symbolically, this car.   I get that.   I am not sure what you mean about Jack disappearing/chuck just growing old and dying without a dramatic death, which I do not care for myself, as much as some think.   I ALWAYS EXPECTED TO LIVE.  I NEVER FEARED DEATH BUT I KNEW I WAS SAFE FROM HUMANS.   I knew.  God works in this world in ways.

He is more hands on than Jack says, or perhaps that was the old God, in this mythology.  Or perhaps this is my mythology still playing out.   Jack the reality, who basically goes undercover, who drives a red car...  I keep remembering when Chuck first appeared he was writing a book on revolution, as was I.  Metatron asked him to write about Godly questions people wanted answered.  Why I do not answer prayers and you should be glad.  I saw myself all over the place, except Dean.  Cass... mostly, during those terrible seasons, when I saw what I took as fiction, events that I would later find out were real.  That I was inspiring acts of violence with my words, when I did not mean to, and then later, as I wrote of my rebellion, and gathered soldiers, I assumed anyone on my side would agree with me, act moral and all this shit and when I heard what had happened....   what existed, I was too stunned to be rational.   Or I would have changed this country there and then.

We must share a love of freedom and justice for all.   That people have developed prejudices and shit during this is obvious, though I ask only for your behavior around those who you disagree perhaps with their very presence on earth, burying the differences as I once drew a drawing about nazi's and Jew's which I should have explained, and would have, and now do.   An answer for everything is what I should have given you before but manipulating the past is beyond me.

I have manipulated the present enough to tip the mental geography of the youth, to turn them as far to the left as possible, in a time the only war we should be waging is to save the planet, and the people effected already, and in the future, by this slow demise....

I knew the family I was originally from was based in Ohio, where supernatural got their 80 plates, which once used to refer to me long ago...  they went back to Canton in the end, and I had a skeleton in my window for Halloween, so skeleton masks it was...  telling me perhaps, as I thought, this was still happening, children being taken for an army.  Not to be juiced by vampires... God only knows what they can do?  The idea of the first three seasons showing a demon who would raise an army of children also kind of hit me, I guess, though that was before I thought I was known, though of course I was.

What am I to say?   I feel I owe you much.   I cannot imagine what your cast and crew went thru on this show.  How hard you worked at the end to get all the proper messages in to me, to I hope not say goodbye...  though if this free's those involved from something against their will...  let them go.   I hate the idea of people being forced to watch me.  I could forget sometimes and feel like no matter how bad it got, I could watch you guys... though I felt for awhile that connection was broken...   I will rewatch what I found so far removed from my experience, that I could not understand what was happening.  The English chapters were like this.   I still have little clue of what happened there though my outright hatred at Will Ferrell, however irrational to despise the messenger and thank God he said what he said, or I never would have known.

 I am not a mobster, which none of you seem to get.  Or Bowie lied about on Blackstar.  I do not know.... but if I watched me, knowing I really was life and death to many, I would have been terrified.  Had I known you had made me that...  I could only re-act as I did, with disbelief.  Why I of all writers, who writes what others have written, not particularly well though opinions at times, pure reckless bravado and...   I pray the inspiration of God.  Some good must come of this...   I feel this is possible.  

I see Supernatural's Jack, a name I was very happy to hear named, because it was the first name they called me...  and when they knew of a certain innocence to my powers was at the center of this...  I though they were all mystical musings, you were told orders of murder were being given.   I was all for a class war but you were told something else altogether was going on.... told to ignore my writing as a lie.  That was the worst. 

  I never meant to end up on some show like this.  Organically happened around me or planned for oh so long.   Why did you have to mess up my mind right before this, what made you think you needed to 'take Hitler out' as you referred to that hospitalization.  No, they inserted I AM.  Bowie got that part right.  I think because the voice started before I was hospitalized.  Brain washed, then tossed out when I did not want a Catholic Bible, but a Mormon one because they predicted Jesus would come.   I read the words and it seemed like I had written some off them...  later I would feel this way about tiny lines in the bible I made sure were kept...  while the rest of mankind writing in their rules and laws of the moment. 

 I did not mean to outshine anyone's star.  I was not thinking of fame, I did not think I had any and was surprised when I saw a direct reference, let alone the view speaking directly to me.  Disney.  You surely are a brain fuck. Had I realize real nazi's exist you would have not found me calling on you to help me.   I would have judged you as you judge others.  You prove to serve the class war and I do not care how you think.  But when in this organization military discipline is important, free will, to think what you will, is respected.   No one should try to convert anyone.   I suspect just coming together and learning you are not so different, and finally winning financial freedom for all... not just a few, that you can go your separate ways.

I see no way to get thru all the divide and conquers setting us at each other's throat... so the common enemy has to be exposed, as members of their team.  Starting with the worst, republican's, and those in power in business who refuse to pay taxes or support taxes being raised, especially since the democrats just passed a whopping military budget, not much of which goes to soldiers, who make just above minimum wage and a third get food stamps, etc...  regardless.   My dreams seemed just dreams before and even after some came true.  I have never though I am ''all that' inside.  That is for you, and true... but it does not excite me.

I feel more unworthy than ever to serve God.  I know I will and I know who we are a bit.  I do just wish peace.  I do not want the visions that gather around my thoughts of war to ever come true, because everyone is fucking innocent of everything, I tend to think.  I see life after life where we experience all ways of being a human, to make the older souls kind to all...   but this is just musing.   I have no idea.  Kind killer.  The man who caused mayhem, a Charles Manson reaction times millions.  I would never ask a human to take their life.   I would never ask anyone to do something I would not.   I used to write all these horror movie things I felt I wanted to do to enemies, etc..  or things I said happened in past lives, that I surely did not expect to be practiced now.

I can never apologize enough for the terror, and most obviously, the deaths... and the lives forever changed.   Revolutions do that.  I expected leaders to rise from the masses, but they were religious, not the people I wanted to influence at all.  I wanted to change the world, thought that I was ...  I don't know, part of the military perhaps?   Then the pain was all mine.  In roach and bed bug infested hells, still watched and somehow still important to some people.   I am not quite sure why though I suspect.   I do not want to order people around, or someone in power who does...  I prefer listening skills and trusting  the experts in the field, as far and wide a net as you can throw. 

 I should think a president should call in academics from all over the world to talk on topics they are working on.   I also think as much as possible the work of bills and issues should be the focus of media attention.  Let people judge us by our deeds, not what we say...  statistically the democrats are much better for the working class and they need to let this be known.

God, digressing...   I spent a weekend in distress after noticing county road seven and thinking too much about how Dean felt like he got screwed, and stabbed in the back.  I am praying that is not how they feel about me.... all about me, but you were dealing with life and death and getting thru where I would not listen to others.  I do not know why?  

I wonder now how this feed goes out, and why?   Money and torture are my answers.  I know perhaps I am being selfish.  Perhaps there is something supernatural about me, the wings story possible true... you certainly introduced me as an angel, and I am not sure why anyone would do that, but they were very rich people.  I do not know if the overwhelming number of people who saw world leaders responding to this guy, and others believing the end was here.   I thought that was my fate for awhile, wanted it at times...  thank God I got over worrying about this vision, and seeing how it could have meant many things.

I think of William street and understand why they hate me.  I hate what happened in Colorado as well.  This was nothing I could foresee.  BUT A FEW SENTENCES were all they would release, those bastards.  Never enough to see the blood wet and new, and more flowing all the time....  between my words...

 When you were crying out for leadership I was pissed that the world seemed to know about me on tv, but I was poor as hell and not benefiting from some money they kept talking about.   I did not see this, and when offered again, after finding out how it was taken, wanted nothing to do with it.   Little did I know....  sickening.   They began to hate me virulently, about the time south park left Colorado, and I surmise now people thought I was moving there.   I looked at my situation, broke as hell, etc... my life, and I saw no way in hell of getting to Colorado in the first place...  I had to assume these things were being arranged by others.

I had yet to learn of the rosarch test my life would become, creating which ever order best suited the mission.  What was your mission in the end?   Mine was to fight the one percent, to fight for the workers, not the company...  and I have become all the more so of late.   In this area I know people are listening, thank God...  because the Unions empowered is the last hope to avoid war.  And the elite will do everything they can to call it whatever, if it is race, religion, country of origin, green card status, whatever... they will find a way to get some to fight everyone except them.

When I wrote CHOOSE YOUR SIDES I meant the one percent and ninety nine percent and people went crazy thinking I wanted...  all these different sides emerged that I had never known of.   I told you no, no, no.... when SOROS made this clear in one of his commercials.   I have the feeling he hates me now as well though I do not know, and if he is who he professes to be who he says, he would be helping me... but they fear me.  I will not take their free will, though their license to kill and live beyond the means of the planet will fade...

I have written before about Michael creating the Church and a loving God, not God...  Chuck did not seem to care about worship, either, until the very end.   I saw myself in Chuck of course, this writer...  at first.   Not in the end, I hope...  I had to kill my grandfather, which is what Jack kept saying... and it was my grandfather who came up with operation bluebeam.   The only way to end this was to leave people with a savior who would not command them, or make himself their god emperor, or...   I never did any of these things.  What you called me behind my back I had no control over, but never in my life was I addressed as a God. I simply wrote and lived a life ignoring my life, to a large degree...  falling into the confusion of a pitch black rabbit hole so deep I still feel like I am falling after years and years...

I guess this screed is meant to be a thank you...  to everyone who once believed enough to do the nearly impossible.  You're hard work was kept from me though I could not believe at the time all you folks put into it, how the focus could suddenly be on me like this, had to have been planned by a lot of people or it sure as hell never would have worked.   A SET up so huge...  how you hid this from anyone, if you did?  

I cannot back down because of Supernatural, but if they have placed the simple religious beliefs I have out there for Jack, great.  No sacrifices or prayers.  I believe this, too, and the icons of churches and such I talk about they reduce God, rather than show God.... that any image is .... false.   The God I saw looked nothing like a human.  I was so tiny compared.   Now I am smaller than ever though I still feel the connection of love when I see his/her/it's face.   It could be anything what happens there, I myself believed that souls would want nothing more than to bask in perfect love, perfect bliss...  nothing else is really needed.   This is why I see them still forever.  A choice I never made, growing up on a planet I said was close to God, called Heaven, my home.  I am not sure why I see the creatures there as purple and blue tubes, moving gently in current...  our souls far from our bodies, or returned for a moment to tell of their adventures instantly to all on the world.

A fantasy world like all religious myths of the here-after.   The levels or hell and heaven and purgatory, the number of angels high and low, in heaven and hell...   all of these are simple tales for simple people, to give reason to death and pain, in their short, brutal lives.  To control them for Kings.  To stir up hatred against those who do not share our myth.   Meaning is God loves my soul, no matter how many times I falter, and I believe during this life I was meant to falter many times.   When I think I was placed on the same side with tRump sickens me.  

 I have damaged my name too badly to ever go back and expect this world to care about me.  I will play the part of the bad guy, if that is what it takes to work for the future.   Someone must.   I see it playing out differently all over the planet, the collapse, and unless we are prepared, like apocalyptical zombie attacks coming prepared, we will have failed those who depend on us.  Those who we allow to sleep thu this to keep society crippling along as much as possible, let as many live and be happy as long as possible... why not?   

But once you know about evil, you are responsible.   This is how I feel. I do not wish a repeat of last time, I would rather see progressives take over politically, but we have too little time.

I also saw 80 disappear from the plate when you symbolically went back to Kansas, after coming back from OZ.   Either you were the best friends or enemies I have in this media world in a way;   most shows switched around the areas that had the most about me.   I saw a community they changed all kinds of things in.   Ridiculous stuff.

Still I feel small when I hear I am being watched again, first by the kelsey grammar slam, with the black God, the racist show I wrote a friend about after seeing the first one.... they opened the second with the black God doing something I had been doing, but regardless...  my reaction is always to turn this shit off, when a cooler head would take the time to study the person, which I wish the hell I had done many times.

I wanted to ask everyone about me, what  they knew....   why I did not is a mystery I can only answer by saying even amidst all this, there was a disconnect, between television and my real life.  I never saw them meet and if they did, still....   I ended up as I am, which makes me think of Chuck, alone, without a heroes ending or anything, just plodding along a forgotten nobody?   Or Jack, who takes my philosophy, hands off, no need for prayers or sacrifices to me.   I liked Michael and not God had started the churches, but there is power in the churches, undeniable.