Knowing now what I didn't know then

I am a completely different person today than I was most of my life.   I have given up on ever achieving the approval of my peers.  Indeed I feel I have no real peers, people who have gone through exactly what I did, which is unprecedented in some ways, though there was plenty of other people who were brainwashed to be leaders of cults that are controlled by right wing intelligence agencies, likely the moonies owning the Washington post -- their old leader was Korean Intelligence when he started the cult, surely getting a lot of help from the CIA.

I am someone they tried to use for a drama about religion, like it was magical and not real, just an act...   others believed what they were told in the beginning, the CHRIST had awakened.  I felt this was true, especially in the trances that came over me and I wrote a book unlike any prose that I written before, which had been adamantly atheist before those three days in the hospital that I do not remember.... came out of it with notes written all over my arms, things they told me that I did not want to forget, but they made no sense when I came back around to something more like my regular self, though quite different.  

The brainwashing messed me up enough they put me in a psych ward afterwards, where I was given all sorts of messages from the other patients, one trying to warn me there would be cameras watching me everywhere, another telling me the blacks were backing me in my revolution, and the Catholic Church, though I was told later since I asked for A Mormon bible, because they were the ones who predicted I would return here, I caused many catholics to convert.    I am not why I could not accept the Catholic bible, though I know now, the same reason I cannot accept becoming Jewish.   I do not think you become Jewish, I think it is often a cultural, and it is not mine...  and the Talmud I disagree with, and their present leaders, and all kinds of things that would make the decision wrong for me, who must always remain a critic...

As soon as you have an ally, mine being China, I am humbled and honored to say, you so not look for reasons to be piss them off, especially a culture that is very sensitive about words.  There is no reason to bring discord into this world unless you have a damned good reason, then bring it on...  however, most of the time, a polite level of speech is the best way to deal with people whom you owe a debt, and wish to earn back what respect I have lost, and was stolen from me in many ways with the video footage, etc...  China gets this about me, and also knows that I want more socialization of the USA... in fact I demand this as a condition of negotiating any real peace.

I almost hope Trump tries something against China, because he will see us tear this country apart from within, igniting civil wars and leaving radioactive dead zones where their major cities once were...   as I have written many times, we will kill and kill and kill and kill until we need kill no more.   I never meant this as a reason to randomly kill anyone, and was thinking much more in military terms.  There are many things I said that were taken incorrectly.  Many incidents that could have been avoided had I truly had a chain of command, or knowledge of what was happening in the world.   Our enemies may have won big because of this, and I remember, during the period I was stunned by how many people were behind me, and the things they were about to do, that I stopped them from because I simply did not have enough intelligence. 

I can imagine a few reasons for this.... one would be that no one seemed to know what side I was on, and not knowing your codes or groups, seemed to say or do something all the time that pissed off someone, who I would not have had I known.   The women who died for me...   I would read about the suicides in horror and pray they were not associated with me...   Their sacrifice brought a new level of commitment to the struggle, a force prepared to die to get their objectives, to save the earth....  though I would NEVER WANT TO SAVE THE PLANET BY BECOMING THE GREATEST SERIAL KILLERS IN ALL TIME.    Seven Billion.    I do not want to live with people who would do such a thing.... better the body is ash and the soul flying free.

I wish I had not done many things, but God works through me, sometimes much to my disgust, humility with a capital H, or as a buffoon making mistakes that turn out to be the right thing.   I remember the car accidents and the talk of the trains take off or not.   I had no idea what either meant, took them as criticisms that  I was doing something wrong...  I had no idea what it was, let alone what letting the train loose meant...  I was still under the idiotic impression that I was working with people who had a similar philosophy.    I was trying to deal with all these questions coming from my tv, and the occasional people who seemed to outright address me...  I did not want them bothering me by that point, so I usually did not respond, until during the interrogation, when I was offline.   I keep remembering Robert Downey Jr. speaking directly to me at an awards show, which happened a few times, because only then could these stars talk directly tome... which always shocked me, but I had no idea of the extent of the webcam... I figured all the stars were spies and in on it, when indeed many were victims, while others were, and are for the most part, out right traitors.... that night Downy acted like I did not recognize him, and chose to point out he was in Chaplin -- which is an astounding movie, and his acting... nothing short of a masterpiece.  I was laying back in a chair and just turned away, both M and I were tired.

I tried to make it easier for the people using the tv to talk to me, and I guess others around the country...   thought watching children's shows would be easy to change, but they could change anything, or shot a lot the footage long before.   This mission had been laid out many years ago, billions must have been spent. 

In the end the question in people's minds was whether I knew what was happening in the out side world, activities that I ostensibly caused, though there were always others in the shadows, cia saying HE MAY HAVE WROTE THIS, BUT HE MEANS THIS...

OVER AND OVER.

I had one world in mind to revolt against another, and found not one castle but nine, rivaling or exceeding the white house in power.  The complexity threw me.  Up to then most of my knowledge of the world was academic and I thought politics was a bunch of sell outs for the corporations, at least those in power in my voting life, which is just over thirty years...  I quit following it entirely for years, preferring to study ancient history, or a ...  write stories had nothing to do with other than letting my mind improvise some comedy.  I knew something was waiting for me, from a story I cannot tell, but it added nothing to my knowledge of what I was running into.. had I known I would have not done much differently in the years between that and being drafted by intelligence...

There was always a message underneath the stories, though many were misread.   I came across a story of a high school male killing the parents of his girlfriend.   It is kind of like....  well, that sure as hell did not make the situation any better.   And wondering what kind of mindset could do that?  Imagining myself inside that character, but acting from a combination of muses...  trying to show the naïve, unthinking act they played out.

I would never have written this story if I thought that people would mimic this.   There are many other incidents in my writing that I find have nothing to do with my prophecies, nothing to do with the messages I bring from the cave in my particular mountain, where I have spent a monkish life studying the ways of humans, and the craft of writing.   When I heard a song suggesting this was happening, that kids were killing their parents, and people were beating each other up in the name of love... I was looked at one way by some, another by others, I assumed...  after at first thinking everyone knew I was Jesus and would act accordingly, and when they did not, I began to fight... and anyone who stood in my way seemed like a fair target, though I had no idea who was stopping me, helping me, just stealing money, etc...

I was harsh and angry when I first made these connections.   This I did not expect, nor quite know what to do with.   I did not expect my words to have any more effect than they had in the past, and often wrote things that have been written for thousands of years, like giving people carnivals to keep them from revolting, and I named tv, music, and sports.   I had read this written by many authors, goes back to comments about Ceasers in Rome.   I   continued watching tv and listening to music though I had never followed sports, unless I could go to live games, which I loved.  There was much made of this because once more stopping sports was someone chosen as a way to revolt.   I remember seeing a teleplay talking about the poor manager who was shit on by the jocks and wanted to get them back...  it made me wonder, once again, how stupid were the people I was dealing with?  From the pop psychology of a twelve year old...  I was a manager of the sports teams up to my sophomore year, used to keep score of the Junior High games, and get paid for it, and enjoyed the games.   I walked the long mile plus home from practice with George, who was usually my best friend.  The guys on the team I had known all my life and we enjoyed each other.

I understood I had missed formative years playing sports because of my back and would never be great at them, but I was good enough to play in our neighborhood and loved playing football and later baseball, too.   Mostly liked foot ball.  We has a basketball court and a baseball diamond on the corner of our block, and plenty of open space for a football field.  Truth by told my favorite game involved climbing this huge tree, and one guy hat the bottom would have a ball of some sort, soccerish, and they would try to hit the people in the tree with it, who would then climb down and be it.  I was a real monkey at the time..   And it was fun hitting people with the ball.   I no care if people are into sports than I care if anyone else is into something I am not interested in, like collecting stamps.   If I was right there listening to an expert talk about the topic and showing me stamps, cool... same with going to a baseball game, or any sport except bull fighting and shit.



The first year after the brainwashing they asked me the toughest questions, and I only understand them now.  I WAS NOT GOING TO FAKE, THOUGH...  pretend I was some pompous priest
I could not with stand the drug interaction between Seroquel and my body in general, though especially with Tramadol.  I lost a year to that, feeling like hell, not myself.  When I got off them I lay in bed for almost a month.   ANDY Dick made a joke about it, Saying he was sending the kids, whom I had inspired to revolt, to go to mcdonalds because he was napping.  No one seemed to have any idea what had just happened to my mind in that hospital.  No one seemed to have any pity at all for the situation I was in.   I kept waiting for someone to come openly to me and talk of these things, and they never did.  TV stood up and tried to aide in the fighting, and I would call them acting as patriots at times, even if their actions were grave mistakes,  the redemption and forgiveness of God's Grace is always there for the asking....  or even when it is not asked for, or believed in.


When I was in the hospital a second time, they tried to say they had taken the hitler out of me... and jokes were made about it by a third character we brought in sometimes, which I filed away and wondered just what the fuck they meant....  I wanted to ask when these things happened, but I did not.  I wish I could go back and change that....